ten_bob_Revolution's Xanga

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 09:49:58 GMT

I am 102.5....
Drats! .5 lbs away from my goal weight for the week. I am taking a walk downtown in a bit bit so I'll burn some cals. Then I'll prolly just nosh on a salad. Anyway. I don't plan to eat alot I can tell you that. Stupid half pound. Next week my goal is gonna be 100 lbs. I just gotta make sure I work really hard on it. Maybe actually go to the gym. I haven't been to the gym in like two weeks. I bet I would have been 101 lbs today if I actually went to the gym. I just get so tired after work and school that all I wanna do is veg with my Dad watching reruns up Two and A Half Men (thinspo is awesome on that show.. lemme tell ya)

The entire family figures that I now have a bad body image (ya think) and I'm definitely starving myself. Shit. I's the truth but I hate hearing it from the people I care about. "Eat! Damnit."

My Friend O. took me to see the Bob Dylan Biopic. "I'm Not There"... I love Bob Dylan. Freaking love him. Was raised on the stuff. Thanks to my Family. Anywho. The film was amazing and getting out of the city on a Friday was good. (cos Fridays STILL are shitty) Cate Blanchett was in it (giggles) and she was outta sight. Skinny too. It was AMAZING. Loved every second of it. And O's brother kept calling me 'Barbie' cos I was in a little skirt and black jean vest and ankle boots with stockings. Anyway I looked pretty art school fabulous except I had the blonde thing working for me...."Art School Barbie" by Matel.

"No, I ain't gonna work on Maggie's Farm no more"- Bob Dylan

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 19:54:18 GMT

OK. I was 102
Now I'm 106.....water weight and I'm sure on the account of SO many fatty pancakes and a trip to the Olive Garden. Not even sex burned it off...(i have lost my interest in it anyway) for real after just lying there. I have decided not to have sex again unless I am a double digit. I am definitely for serious about this. I don't feel sexy.
No one should just have sex to have sex. I've been having sex with my Brother's friend.... it's not all that great. I've also had been dabbling in a rendezvous with an ex. C. I NEVER wanted to get into that again. I'm tired of just sitting in my car after the act cos I haven't orgasmed yet... at all. AT ALL. Sex without orgasm is just alot of bouncing around and just lying there til he finishes; eyes closed and pondering on the thought that if it finishes soon I can get home in time for 6 hours of sleep before work tomorrow... yippee.

So here is a list of things I need to do to make myself feel a little more complete.

1. Get by Counseling
2. Meet new guys....that aren't associated with any of my ex's, and that are not my friends, or my brother's friends..... I'm upset. I need to be in a new relationship.... but new guys. I have no idea how to go about this though.... not a CLUE.
3. Get to 90 lbs.........must get to 90 lbs must have a low BMI: must look like Cate Blanchett

Needless to say I have a plan to get to 102 lbs by Saturday again (if not sooner) and from there By the following Saturday I will see 99. I'm going to try really hard. Cos I have nothing else right now. Just hollow emotions. I'm going to try though. Just working on me.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 19:52:58 GMT

hey....
Dad took me out to eat. One of those we can either Kill him or Kill Her talks. hahahaha.
This doesn't make sense... it only makes sense to me. hahahahaha
I was 101.5 this morning... I know I'm not now after a ceasar salad and a hunk of strawberry pie.
DAMNIT!
My dad sure is mad I haven't been eating. He was downright stern. My dad and I have the perfect relationship....and I am just all beside myself cos everyone is so mad at me. I don't want anyone mad

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 20:03:09 GMT

102.5
at 5'0 my BMI is 20.0

I'm at a new low weight. Actually I was even less yesterday but I ate some food pretty late, and late night fast food run while I picked up my Bro kinda blew (damn you Taco Bell and My brother's seeming lightning fast metabolism... bastard) but i only nibbled a few nachos and ate a half a crab-wich at girl's night.

Today I am right back to these devilish old ways. Today I had a cuppa tea with sweet-n-low and a piece of thin crust cheese pizza. Cos I kick ass.

My life is just...... a mess. I should be committed. I will be pleased as punch if my BMI is lower tomorrow. Quite frankly It's the only thing I think I have control over at the moment. That soon. Very soon. I will be 100 lbs or the double digits and maybe then I'll be happy about something, damnit.

I picked up my brother. Then we were joking around in my room. He noticed my scale and asked me to step on it just joking around. "don't you think you're thin enough?" he asked. I looked at him and said simply..."no." It's as close as I will ever let anyone know what I'm doing. Everyone in this house has noticed I lost weight. Alot of weight (according to them) I am getting a bunch of. "you're getting thinner" comments. But I'm hardly Amy Winehouse or anything.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 20:26:21 GMT

My "Journey Journal" is full of scribbles and little saying... and loads of British song lyrics. I can't really focus on growth and building trust. When my world is spiraling out of control.
My dad just hugged me today and told me that I was strong and he was so proud of me. Then he sat me down and we had the you need to eat something talk. He's never brought up my weight before.... except once after pneumonia and I had gained weight on steroids... he said something flippant. But I think he caught himself. Anyway it wasn't relevant really and it didn't leave any lasting impression. Today though he looked me in the eye "No matter what ANYONE tells you. You are thin. You are FINE. You are a sexy, young, beautiful woman. And you need to eat something other than 3 olives, a grapefruit, and a hand-full of Raisinets. And you're going to the gym cos you're trying to try to win something back that someone else took away from you- but it's not gone. We love you so much and I'm sorry it's hurting you to feel right now, and I'm sorry the world is coming down hard: Helter Skelter. But the number on the scale, or your dress size isn't going to bring anything or anyone back. And you need to eat something today, and tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that. Cos quite frankly your mother is upset and can't talk to you about it and I can't listen to her shit anymore; in fact I'm going to strangle either her or you if this isn't resolved soon." The last bit was a joke you'd have to know our family to get that twisted humor. And it's not as if I don't talk to my mom about things, or as if we're fighting. She's been this amazing sounding board and just the most supportive person. She's just timid about bringing up weight, she doesn't know how to approach me about it. I dunno.

I love her. I love my dad. I don't want to cause any unease. But I have some control over what I eat. For once in my life I have a mind over matter mentality over my cravings except for the occasional handful of Raisinets (damn those tasty little bastards). For real: I used to just mindlessly chomp when I was studying or working..... now I eat when I know someone is watching. I'm now a social eater. When I am in these social situations I nosh too much on the communal bowl of Cheetos or indulge myself at the plate-o-wings, but I don't feel bad about myself cos I know tomorrow: I'll have a glass of skim milk and a multi-vitamin in the A.M. and in the P.M. I'll have 4 Tums and three olives, then go to the gym and burn 360 calories. No harm done.

I'm not ready to stop losing weight.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 16:31:10 GMT

It's Superfat-Superbowl-Superbad-Sunday I kid you not. That's what my invitation said to my (ex.ex. boyfriend's) C's party. To party all day we need to make something super-fatty and drink much beer. So the afternoon so far is entertaining. C. is on my ass but one of my best guy friends O is making sure nothing gets out of hand. Being here in this apartment again just makes me feel like in two years I just made two very large steps backward. I deep fried some homemade crab-cakes and later I'm making Chinese- chicken wings. I had a couple crab-cakes and a piece of pie. They'll be some Shrimp scampi later.. so maybe I'll have some of that.
I went to the gym burned 400 cals running and 71 cals on the stand-alone bike. Not enough to partake in the shrimp scampi probably.
I'm nice and incognito now. I'm on my laptop while everyone is watching the "40 year old Virgin" Later we'll put on "Superbad" and start the par-tay.

I hate counseling.

My life isn't getting any better. In fact the only way it could get better is if Noel Gallagher walked through the door...(waits) nothing. Damnit. Dudes. Life is unfair. Just in case a few of you out there didn't get the memo.

106.5 lbs after two days of pretty much stuffing my face. Not too terrible. But I want to see 90 lbs shortly; March or April so I'm hoping.

Part of me wants to be Cate Blanchett... the other half just wants to be vapid and sexy like these Playboy ladies..... what do you think?

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 12:06:50 GMT

Yesterday My mom and I drank alot of wine and stayed in. It was nice and chill but fattening since I had 2 pieces of bread and nutella and popcorn. My friend L. called later. 1 in the morning about and said she at my ex-boyfriend's show, she had hoped to see me there to catch up on things. I never told her we broke up so it was SUPER awkward cos she was going on about why he would be all kissy with some other girl...if he was with me. So I had to explain things and I was drunk and that was bad. "oh, I'm so sorry Jen. I thought he really loved you, he always seemed to just adore you. You two just looked right together" Thanks L. I dunno. Friday nights and Saturday mornings are hard for me because it was our time mostly. I'd go to his show, and then go back to his place and we'd......., we'd wake up or not go to bed at all and I'd make him breakfast/lunch and we'd just laugh and hold each other and watch a movie or listen to music. And he'd say things about how fortunate he is/was to have me in his life and that I made him so happy and that he loved me so much. I don't have that anymore so it's tough to wake up in my own bed- alone for another week. Cos he made me believe those things....like forever and maybe I wasn't as damaged as I thought I was.... and maybe he really truly loved me. I don't have that, no CK-One and cigarettes and his warm arms wrapped around me. Saturday mornings and Friday nights are just HARD.

I had a hangover this morning and so did Mom, so she made me a Bagel with cream cheese. She also cooked up two hard-boiled eggs (but I only ate the whites) I dunno. Bad, but I don't really have to eat for the rest of the day. I was 106.5 this morning. I have to go to my introduction to counseling. It's a battling depression seminar and I have to 'take notes' yippeee skippee. So I have to hit up the mall to buy a I kid you not..... a 'Journey Journal' ( I hate that band...Journey sucks...) The seminar is two hours long. So by the time it's over the gym will be closed. I have 2 seminars before I go into the one-on-one baloney. I know I'm bitter....I mean I'm the one who cannot get over past sins that were perpetrated against me and I cannot get over the sins I have done and put out into the world either.

New Jen cannot live without a new attitude either. This will be good. It's a journey....change cannot happen overnight.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 18:46:22 GMT

Yesterday I went on a date. I mean what the hell. Why not. We went to my favorite Mexican Restaurant. I ate much burrito and some grapefruit alcohol concoction. I felt bad, he broke up with his girlfriend cos apparently they didn't "connect" - I didn't feel bad about that. I had scowled inwardly at the thought that she apparently was an Angel to him and he didn't want her (sound like anyone?). Nice girls finish last.
I let him talk mostly. It felt weird.... I practically grew up with the guy so it wasn't supposed to feel weird. Least that's how I rationalized things. I mean he grew up a half block away from him, I used to play with his sister; his mom used to invite me over for dinner. Technically I thought 'hey, two friends hanging out' He kept talking and I feel awful cos all I heard was a low hum..... a monotone rumble. A nice guy. We drove around then and smoked some pot. Then I let him go too far....but his Mom gave him cake earlier; that he later gave to me. And his mom's cakes are FREAKING AMAZING so I felt slutty and later ...fat.
I have to be close to 108 lbs....

Today my Mom took me out to eat on my break between work and school. So we could talk about the counseling malarkey. I got to the quaint downtown restaurant and she had already ordered my food. So I had a ceasar salad, a crab cake and this wonderful toasted pita thing (oh so much cheese...green beans and shrimp) I felt weird cos she ordered my food but she said it was just so she knew I had enough time to eat and enjoy my food; since I only had and hour to spare. She's concerned... I am too. The last thing I want to do is be where I am now..... I hate it.

Soon.

Soon I won't be me anymore. That would be so nice. To look in the mirror and maybe I won't even recognize that girl from pictures.... 'Who was she?'

I'm doint maybe a fruit fast tomorrow and into the weekend. If I can keep it up...maybe through the whole week! Then I'll be like 102 lbs...that would be so swell.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 18:41:46 GMT

New Jen is 105 lbs.
But she had a piece of bread, a thing of hummus and carrots, some fruit snacks, a latte, & a can of soup. 1000 calories tops. But New Jen doesn't eat that much until she is 100 lbs. The last time I stepped on the scale; I was 5 lbs away from indulging like that.

Meanwhile Old Jen failed her psychological examination and cannot work with cancer patients until she goes to counseling. Joy. Part of it is Boy/relationship I'm-gonna-die-alone-and-cats-will-eat-my-face also...this is my first real devastating break-up. I mean I've dated DOUCHE-BAGS but this one...this one: pseudo proposed...talked about the future... made me fall in love with him, met my family, shared Christmas dinner with HIS family...then dropped me cold. BUT! I'm still in love with the sunnuvabitch and will be for the rest of my life. Yeah. I have never hurt like this. I've tried flirting, I've even been asked out on several dates with several different guys.... but without going into the lyrics of "Nothing Compares To You" I am crippled with depression.

Which makes me Pretty Fucking Pathetic. New Jen is P.F.P already. Cate Blanchett isn't PFP she's Fucking Gorgeous. So.. I gotta get from P.F.P to F.G. and fast.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 16:33:32 GMT

NEW JEN!

New Jen is blonde
(New Jen is also 107 lbs today ugh ugh ugh) But she will get down to 90lbs soon enough (today 95 just won't do at all) Dropping 12 lbs was just a start... I have 17 more lbs to work hard on.
New Jen is stylizing her new look after the effortlessly regal Cate Blanchett.

Cate is my new Fashion icon. She looks so put together in everything she wears. New Jen is going to look VERY put together in everything she wears. Cate also has such a pretty lithe body...not muscular...just womanly light. PERFECT.
New Jen is dying to become whole.
To be released from her former self. There's a whole wide wonderful world thats going to lay itself out just for New Jen.
New Jen wishes to be completely transformed by April. (if not earlier)

So much is in store- so many changes to build... so many changes so far!