|
tgallagher
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Country: United States
State: New Jersey
Birthday: 7/22/1984
Gender: Female
Expertise: your everday college student-dancer type
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message me
AIM:  tbonegall
Member Since:
11/30/2002
|
|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| "we could go to jail"lauren's words after we agreed on the irrestibility of David Archuleta at the American Idols Live tour... yeah we're about 12 going on 14... we also have tickets to So You Think You Can Dance. jealous yet? too bad i had so much fun and cried my eyes out. so much to say.... but at this isolated exact moment, i am listening to DA's new single in Bar Harbor, Maine getting not so oddly emotional... i don't exactly know what it is about him that gets me in the gut. i think i must be the combination of me, his voice and passion, my life journey, and a smattering of maladaptive coping mechanisms. but i'm actually not that different from the girl i was at 16.... and it therefore begs the question... should i be? i had to sneak nsync on my walkman in highschool and yet i keep feeling the need to justify my cheesiness... but in all reality i am cheesy when it comes to music and have been for a pretty long time. it might be the cognitive dissonance involved knowing that i also love Descartes philosophy and ancient Greek texts at the same time. but that's what makes juxtopositions what they are, pearls look better against a black dress than an off-white one. it makes me want to be in a supercheese music video dancing with some cheesefest cinematography. i do feel somehow connected to something supernatural when i listen to him. i'm chalking it up to hardwiring. I'm honestly just hoping he's on repeat on Jesus' jukebox. i want to explore this better in a more dynamic argument, but i climbed like 4 mountains today including one that was mostly ladders on a sheer mountain face and I am a bit slow and unable to put together cohesive thought. soon... very soon. my professional advice: download 'crush' (or whatever song brings out your most free, romantic, idealistic side), play it on high in your bedroom and dance around in your underwear like you know you want to... you'll feel better.. even if you didn't think you could. ps. my grandfather loves him and cries too. he even downloaded this before me. and i want to be just like my gramps. therefore DA + italians = expected bliss i mean who couldn't be moved with lyrics like this.... come on folks.. ha I hung up the phone tonight
Something happened for the first time
Deep inside..
It was a rush, what a rush
Cause the possibility that you would ever feel the same way about me
It's just too much, just too much
Why do I keep running from the truth
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I just got to know..
[Chorus]
Do you ever think when your all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it real or just another crush
Do you catch a breath when I look at you
Are you holding back, like the way I do
Cuz I try and try to walk away,
But I know this crush ain't goin away, goin away
Has it ever cross your mind
When we're hangin spending time girl
Are we just friends
Is there more, is there more
See it's a chance we've gotta take
Cause I believe that we can make this into something that will last,
Last forever, forever
| | |
| putting the high back in highlightso, its late. need to write something. here is a free association of sorts.
the week of interesting events and casualities.
it started with pre-birthday existential crisis and subsequent meltdown. birthdays.. why? milestones. passage of time. aging process. finding out who cares and who doesnt about your existence and entrance into this dust ball. i was ready for 24 before tuesday because i had gotten all the crap out of my system by monday night.
my birthday itinerary: 8 am arrival at church, 10am arrival at the Trenton Area Soup Kitchen, 10-11am tutorial of TASC services with gratuitous information offered from the director regarding her attempt at taking the GED and surprisingly failing the history section as well as her repressed desire to hopefully have to break up a fight between the bloods and the crypts, 11-1pm serving beverages to the homeless, 1-2pm scenic tour of the seedy underbelly of trenton which happened to include my family's house, 2-3:30 pm coffee at running dog cafe and personal tour of morrisville including swings, 3:30-6:30 integration with children and mothers living at transitional housing facility in morrisville, 6:30-2am homeade pasta-heatwave-friends-and-family-birthday extroadinare. note the dichotomy between this birthday and lasts where i was in barcelona dancing the entire night experiencing the best of spanish culture.
this years was beautiful.
week of missions in feasterville, blew my mind. more to come later.
the offer of 4 jobs at PBU. attitude=psyched out of my freakin mind.
lazy sunday afternoon watching Amadeus and East of Eden. Amadeus was dark and depressing while EAst of Eden was dark, depressing, and devastatingly romantic beyond all measure. truly one of the best films i have ever seen.
today... biking, friends, book club. enjoying so much the two churches and their respective leaders. the niche of the middle road.
received a suspicious rolling stone magazine in the mail today. I think that its a present from a secret admirer... i'm going with that story... because i can.
birthday presents of chanel perfume and diamond earrings, feels like= a dumpster of love.
trying to find the balance between arranged marriage and infatuation and in the spiritual realm between, emotional asceticism (monks) and an eternal succession of jr. high retreats.
| | |
| life is probably more painful than i'd care to admitis it masochistic to look at old pictures?
some people are dead, others figuratively dead. its surreal to look and see myself in the pictures, trying to remember how i was feeling and who i was at the time and what was concerning me. what deadlines did i have? what were the epiphanies during that season?
me thinks this was a bad choice at 1 am... most decisions usually are when made at said hour.
i literally feel like a ton of bricks just fell on my freakin head. where do we put all of this?
as i age, there are relationships and lifetimes that i leave behind. as they grow further and further away from me, i dread the loss... deep within me i dread it.
what do we do with love and loss. hand in hand they arrive and hand in hand they leave. what do we do with those remains... those vestiges of something so real and so spiritual. how i wish i could bury them or maybe amputate the memories. then nothing would be left. just pieces of a destined whole. but do the parts of us die when people and relationships do? then why do they flicker when least expected or thought to be long forgotten? why must they live on within us? sometimes i imagine that when we die, all the memories within us will walk out of our bodies. they are the life force... the lasting realities. the imperfect perfection of the relationships that have made us who we are. their season is over in the temporal but the impression cannot be undone or removed from the intrinsic. half of me wants to return to those days. travel back in time and come alive again in the pictures. to start over from there. to fix the mistakes and do all the things that i should have done. but half of me knows that to all things there is a season and that hindsight is 20/20. the ideal doesn't elicit growth. can i enjoy what was and what will never be again or will i always be grasping for a memory of things past. one of the greatest challenges in life is loving and letting go... and letting go... and letting go... and letting go.
but please forgive me if next time you ask me to look at some old photos... i politely refuse.
| | |
| let the cheese begini want to write on this thing everyday. its just laziness that i don't plus i want to be able to look back at my life and say with pride "wow you really were strange...even then"
i'll keep it short cause i haven't taken a shower in a few weeks and i have class tomorrow at an hour too depressing to utter.
but it must be said that the repercussions of singlehood are taking their toll. basically when "step up" the movie makes you weepy and sentimental, its all over... bring on the cats.
a scary moment similar to the former happened to me about a year ago when i was going through emotional hell... i am not using that word as hyperbole... i was real toast. sooooo all to say that i was working at the bob evans in hamilton (chuckle) when avril lavigne's 'keep holding on' came on and i had to run to the bathroom crying. Fromage meter....off the radar. so maybe i should be blaming all of this on spring. yeah seasons are my new scapegoat.
But really, who doesn't love a good dance movie. they are all exactly the same and ridiculously hilarious. the end dance scene is always fantabulous as well. pretty much makes the melodramatic acting and 2nd grade script palatable. my mom and i have really become the gilmore girls. we watch movies just to mock them and on my netflix queue all the good movies i choose are coupled with a real cheeser. i've always wanted to have a dance movie marathon starting with the behemoth of all dance movies Centerstage, moving into Save the last Dance, honey, you got served, step up, step up 2, and then deviating into the obscure, Rize, the children of theatre street, home videos...
so here's a random story about my day. driving home from Lo's house for her birthday dinner and i decided to have one of those inyourcarfeelingsorryforyourself cries (man, i'm starting to sound like a real sap). I wasn't two seconds in when my eyes started burning with the fire of mordor. I think that it had something to do with the fact that i had not showered after my 5 mile run today and the left over sweat (just lovely, i know) mixed with the mascara packed a real punch. now this has happened to me before, but never at all at this level. So they start burning and then they feel like they're on fire and then i can't see... and i am driving. so I am screaming, driving, and blind... kindof like most suburban moms in suv's.
really it was terrible, so realizing that i had no tissues or napkins and wasn't about to ruin my white shirt even if the result was going to be death in a fiery car crash. because if you know me, you know i hate dirty clothes. my motto: "clean clothes, dirty body".
so in my savage attempt to stop my eyes from melting into pools of liquid i began to rub them vigorously. black was all over my face and hands and i literally looked like night of the living dead when i returned home. my mom almost shrieked when i walked in the house... if i hadn't warned her as i was walking in, she may have tried to exorcise the demon from me. scary stuff. you can definitely use that at your next campfire when scary stories are being shared... i know i sure am.
just remember, sometimes feeling sorry for yourself feels really good, and other times... it just might kill ya.
alright, the shower calls as well as my self-respect which is, by the way, about to disown me.
also, what's worse than a class on career development counseling?
I know... i couldn't come up with anything either
| | |
| hot nights, beating heartits truly these type of nights that i live for. so smoggy and hot and yet raw and real. I sit here in a film of sweat and rainforest-like humidity while the warm voices from people at a neighborhood party lay a festive soundtrack. it reminds me of this one night in syros, Greece. i couldn't sleep and so i went out onto the balcony of our guest house overlooking the Aegean sea and i could hear the voices of people talking and laughing from a restaurant just down the steps in the cliff that led to that gorgeous body of water. I remember the Jennifer Lopez song, que hiciste also wafting up and adding latin rhythym to the magic of it all.
who knew that you only had to travel to bucks county to experience the wonders of the european experience?
but on an existential level, it reminds me that it truly is what is in your heart that creates the environment on the whole. my heart is so full right now. and i know that that statement can be somewhat amorphous and abstract but somehow it fits perfectly. I drove home from the city tonight with the windows down and the dew of the philadelphia thickness covering me. I put on colbie's cd and i realized why i truly love it so much. it is completely a summer cd and that is why i had to put it away for winter. Her smooth and deep voice sang me the lullabies that i have so needed to hear and really hear. the words were strangely apropos to my life at this very moment and i wanted the drive to continue into eternity.
when we went swimming in Santorini for the first time, i felt that my life was finally complete and i felt okay about dying with that as my last memory. Tonight i felt sortof the same. The drive felt so magnificent and beautiful within my soul that i felt like a cessation of life would be alright because i was overflowing. it wasn't the outside circumstances or surrounding but it was internal excitement and joy. Its not so much that i don't want to live, its just that these moments leave you speechless and you know that they have a shelflife. Its like when rory gets sad at dean when he gives her the car because she says "I am so happy right now but i know that it is going to go away and that makes me sad".
these nights are the nights when you want to drive down to the beach and fall asleep looking at the stars and wake up to the sunrise. The nights when you want to walk the entire city of philadelphia and after completely exhausting yourself, fall into the arms of the one you love and stay there. the nights when you want to be on a roof garden with white lights surrounding reading shakespeare to one another and when your eyes are too tired to focus, the book becomes a pillow where you lay your romance-filled head.
you can't hold on to any of this. but i can embrace it and bask in the beauty of right now.
the more i realize that travelling might not be happening this summer, the more God shows me that its never about the places, but its always about Him. so whether it be the charles bridge in prague or 95N in philadelphia, He is never far from my heart. I am so in awe of the mystery of this.
I want to feel "like that" again. a longing not an idol.
You've got magic inside your finger tips
its leaking out all over my skin
everytime that i get close to you
your makin me weak with the way you
look through those eyes
| | |
|
