| YO! YO! YO! Most recently I have been thinking that maybe I care too much, but what if it is the oposite? I wonder if really I am just has spineless as I never thought I was. I wonder why, really why like I thought long and hard about it, people take any time to hang around me. I have yet to come up with an answer, but at the same time I have realized that people don't hang around me. So, then I wonder why the people who do hang out with me choose to do so. I again have no answer and lately have been watching my interactions with the people I see most regularly and really we don't ever do anything. I never do anything. I bore people way too much. I am pretty sure even if I moved away the same thing would happen again. I just think that maybe I am such a wasteful piece of space in this world. I am useless to society. I also have been thinking that the people that do hang around me are realizing this, so I think the best thing would be for me to end things with all people and carry out the rest of my existence alone. That way when I die nobody will really know and nobody will really mind. It will be a simple death and life. I will not be a nuisance to anybody in my life any longer and I can just carry on alone. I am pretty sure this would be best for all involved. I will just dissolve back to atoms and molecules and what not and hopefully smash back together into something so much better. I no longer want to be a human. I think that everybody would agree that I would probably be a better rock than a human. At least if I am rock I can provide either a resting place or a wall or something useful. Instead all I do know is create wastefulness and cause so much anguish to the ones I know. Please don't anybody take this as I am depressed, I'm not. This is not a suicidal thing either. I don't know why I even put this on here. I just don't want things to be taken wrong if someone should choose to read this. I mainly wrote on here, because I ran out of paper and I was unable to find a pencil. I think mainly this is just what I am thinking right now. Just a thought. Nothing real. There are instances when I don't believe I am real. Sometimes, I feel so much like everybody else and then like nobody else and either way I don't feel real. I sometimes think I can disappear and then I do, but I always come back. I don't know why I come back. It confuses and frustrates and relieves me all at once. I am confused as to why I came back. I am frustrated to see that while I was gone, nobody noticed. I relieved because I am back and I was afraid I was going to loose something. Mostly though, I know I am real. I just want somebody to notice that I am real. Maybe it is one of those things where I have to believe that I am real for other people notice it. A lot of times I wonder why I have not one decent attribute. I am just plain, normal, and nothing extravagant. I know I should not complain about this, but I just want to be able to be "good" at one thing, not just mediocre. I want to be awesome at something, but I always find that anything I do I am just mediocre at best. Is there anything that I can do? I don't know, I really don't think so. Mostly, I just see that I will never be able to be very good at anything and so I give up. So, I blame myself for my mediocrity. I like to make up things. Like how I think I have all these different disorders and what not. I do it, so that maybe it will make me different, but all I realize is that I don't have it and also a lot of people seem to have it. Its frustrating. Its not like I just want to be different. I just want one original thing all to my own. A lot of times, I don't even think the things I say or think are original. I always feel like I am quoting someone or something, that nothing I say or think is ever my own. Its so frustrating. More and more I just feel frustrated and confused. More and more I feel a wasted life. Then, like now, I think "STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING WHINY BITCH!" I hate being a whiny bitch. Maybe it is the only thing I actually am good at. Maybe not. Who knows. Peace out bros. |
