-39-

so yesterday was my first day at work and it went AWESOME! i love working at food places cause i just tell my mom i "ate at work" and she buys it. so anyway im allowed ot drink as much fountain soda as i want when working (HELLO DIET COKE!!) and im not supppooosed to eat the food for free but every other employee was eating food and taking the desserts home with them. this one kid told me that no one really cares...only the manager so i can take whatever i want as long as shes not around.

so i brought home some brownies and stuff and gave them to the fam who was all happy that i was to "thoughtful" and everything. its so satisfying watching other ppl get fat eating shit i give them. i felt that way when i gave my friend one of the brownies this morning. any other anas feel liek that? like its empowering watching ppl ur size eat caus eu know  as ur getting thinner theyre getting bigger?

skinny moment #1: yesterday my mom saw me adding calories and she was like "IF U LOSE ANY WEIGHT I SWEAR blah blah blah" and she went off about how i look fine and how she can tell im starting to lose weight again because my  "face is getting thin" my dad said that too and they both used to sy that last year when i was losing. so that means i HAFTA be losing weight. i mean my size 1 pants that didnt get up my legs last month are now fitting very snugly on me. very snugly but at least theyre fitting. that means i hafta be losing right?

skinny moment #2: today the kid matt (the one im sorta kinda maybe starting to get interested in ) and i were discussing how i wanna do crew in college and i was talking about how the person who sits in the front and jsut gives instructions doesnt hafta be all buff or row or anything. and so i said "the only requirement is that they have to weigh under 120" and he said "oh thats easy for you!"

...too bad i need to drop 10 lbs to hit 120...but it WILL happen!!!

*36*

so basicaly today my parents went out for dinner leaving me and my brother alone. all i had was two rice cakes, and 50 calorie cold cuts. adding on to what ive eaten throughout the day that leaves my calories under 800. i also did my 40 mins morning cardio and biceps today

my throat is feeling A LOT better which is great because it sure does make the morning cardio go by easier. and im not smoking today...i didnt smoke on saturday or sunday either. i think my lungs and throat need a break!

tomorrows plan is lotsa diet soda, protein shakes, rice cakes, cardio, and abs.

is it just me or does being ana make you realize how pointless other stuff in life is?

like seriously, going to the mall or playing games or hanging out with certain people just isnt worthwhile. i could be on the treadmill for christs sake!

however the other day i did go to the mall and i think im going back to my klepto ways cause i jacked a short from Abercrombie and one from American Eagle. oh god. but i mean i saved myself $55 u know?  and theres this kid matt who ive been talking to more lately. hes not hot or anything but he is cool to talk to...and i guess wintertime just makes me really girly feeling and wanting a guy around u know?

anyway heres the daily food porn:

ummmm i think im craving chocolate today?

-35-

yesterday i basically passed out around 6 pm. i slept alllllll night till 10 am this morning. i feel alot better. the best part is i got to skip dinner last night due to my dozing off which means my calories were 500.

i also just got a job. i start on wednesday at Chicken Out Rotisserie. this is good because now i can be like "oh i had a bite to eat at work". but my mom seems to be on to my eating cause when i told her how convenient itll be for me to just eat there if im working late she said "yeah youll tell me youre eating there but then you wont eat anything" well isnt she psychic...

anyway this is gonna be a long week. im too sick to do any drugs. which is good because i really am thinking about quitting all this shit because the cigarettes and weed are probably making me lose a bunch of muscle mass which could be burning so many more calories.  

and now for some food porn...

sooo thats basically all ive been craving today....

34

so yesterday was interesting because i ended up going out to dinner with my parents and they were gonna drop me off at my friend Emilys house for a sleepover. so around 6 pm my mom told me how my dad was gonna only be home around 8 pm and i know i get super anxious waiting to go out to eat because im all nervous and shit. so i took a valium and fell asleep to pass the time...

BAD IDEA. i woke up to my mom yelling that it was time to go to dinner. upon waking up i felt really dizzy and sick because ive had a sore throat for a few days now. so it was 8 oclock and me and my parents leave for dinner. On the way my mom says that i cant get anything on the low carb menu. me, being dizzy and feeling sick, just said "ok". and then my dad goes on to tell me how the only reason im sick is because im not eating anything again and my tolerance is going down.

then my mom starts saying how shes not gonna let me go to U of Miami because im "incapable of eating right". and then my dad says hes gonna buy a scale and weigh me everyday and the minute i drop below 120 lbs im not going to u of Miami. so i start crying "I WEIGH 132! IM NOT EVEN FUCKING SKINNY ANYMORE!" and then my mom continues to say how stupid i am for thinking that size 0 is so perfect. GEE mom i wonder where i picked that ideal up seeing as how she used to freak out if i was above a size 2 back in middle school. and my dad was like "youre going to eat every single meal with us. after u run every morning i will come downstairs and watch u eat ur breakfast. and every night at dinner you will eat exactly what we eat". hes so full of shit. they cant get their lazy asses outta bed at 6 am to watch me eat breakfast. and they cant force to me to eat the same portion of food as them.

so we ended up going to panera for dinner and i knew what the safest menu item was so i ordered it but then it turned out that they were out of that bread. so i opted for the low carb bread and they were out of that too. so my dad goes "thats ok SHE CAN EAT THE FULL CARB BREAD" so i opted for rye. i dont care because my calories were sitll low enoug and how many more calories coulda been in rye than in sourdough (my original choice).

then once they finally dropped me off at emilys i was too pissed about everything. so we ended up going ot this girl alexs house and she had all this weed. i smoked a lot (even though my throat was killing me and it really wasnt a smart decision) and got high as shit. i was really hungry and stuff but i just stuck to gum and green tea.

another sucessful day as far as ana goes. another failure as far as my life is concerned.

*33*

ive been doing great girlies. ive managed to keep my calories under 1000 for the past couple of days  only not so great thing is that i think im getting sick and my throat hurts like a bitch! its been so hard doing my 40 mins of cardio these past mornings but i still do it. i just take a break every 15 minutes.

UGH if only my arm bone would jut out like that!! seriously i love her!

back when i weighed 102 lbs...i had a back like that

 i just cannot get over how GORGEOUS her arms are!!

dinner tonight with the family at an asian restaurant...im praying that all goes well and i dont consume a lot of calories chinese food is so calorie filled though...ughhhh. anyway im hitting up this party and spending the night at my friends house. she has so much yummy yummy food. but i cant eat it.

-i have to have discipline.
-i have to stay in control.
-i cannot let temptation destroy what ive worked for.

for god fucking sakes i ran on the treadmill while i thought my lungs were gonna explode cause i was so sick. if i could do that, this is a piece of 0 calorie cake.