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Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Ever since I broke up with Ralphy, Ive been so hard on myself. Im too fat. Im not handsome enough. I dont have a nice body. My shoulders arent wide enough, I dont have the right shape to my arms, my tummy looks gross, my clothes arent nice enough....Now the summer is over and here I am. And its crazy. For once, Ive changed everything I dont like. For the first time when I look in the mirror, I dont see anything anymore that I dont like. I changed it all. I changed my hair, I changed my clothes, I changed my shoulders, I changed the shape of my arms, I changed my tummy....I changed everything....and I realized the reason i had done so much of it, was so when he saw me next, he would see how attractive I am now. Is that strange? It feels so strange to me, but I bet its so common. I havent seen him in a long time. Months and months. The way I feel now, it really doesnt matter. I feel like Im a big pretty shell with nothing on the inside. I know its not true....Ive got more crammed in my head and in my heart and in my soul (wherever it is) than most people....but amazingly...there is so much more room I know I could fit so much more. I dont know how to fix that inside part. The outside was easy enough, even though its not easy. Its just eating right and lifting weights and setting them back down. So now my outsides are great...and my insides are still bruised and bleeding. It makes for a strange combination. I realized talking to him the last two nights on the phone....how much I miss him. Lastnight he called me on his way home from school. He could only talk for a few minutes, but told me to call him back later. I texted him at midnight and didnt get a response....texted him again to say goodnight and then he called. He was taking a bath. I was almost asleep in bed. I havent talked to him while I was laying in bed since we were dating. It was weird. For the first time it seemed like it was just him and me. It was very peaceful. It made me feel peaceful. We talked for a while until I knew it was time to go....then I let him take his bath, all the baths we took together flashed through my mind as I said goodnight. I had tears in my eyes when I hung up the phone. It seemed like he did too. Or he could tell that I did. I felt good. I missed him and fell asleep.

Today I wrote a song. I wish I could write them all day long.

Monday, September 27, 2004

I really need to be careful. Somehow after all this shit has happened between Ralphy and I, after everything he did, after everything his ex-boyfriend said, after everything I went through, after everything Ive worked out within myself, Ralphy and I still have a good chance at a friendship. On Friday Ralphy called me, and I told him all about the thing that happened to me last week, which Im not going to write down here. Basically, it was something someone did to me that will change my life for the worse, for the rest of my life. I didnt know how he would react, but he cried a lot. I cried a lot. We talked for 2 and a half hours and it felt good. I felt good being able to talk to someone that knew me better than anyone else knows me. I felt good that that person was him.

Mom, Kelly, and Heather were coming up Saturday morning to go with me into the Art Institute. Friday night I invited Ralphy to meet up with us at the Flat Top grill for dinner. He said he would love to and I went to bed excited to see him. I said we would eat around 5 I thought. Well, we got into the Art Institute and mom wanted to eat right away at the restaurant there. I tried as hard as I could to get everyone to not eat very much so we would all be hungry at 5....I had these 4 little lamb chops in a yougurt mint sauce....it was awesome. But mom and Laura got a full meal and when Ralphy called right after lunch and asked about dinner at 5, I said it may be as late as 6:30 now...thats what the girls wanted. He said "Marcos and I are hanging out tonight and if we eat at 6:30, we wont be done till like 7:30 or 8"....I said "is that a problem?" and he let on that it was. We went to Millenium Park and by 4:45 we were ready to head up to the Flat Top Grill....I called to tell him we would be there by 5:30 and he said "Oh, well Marcos is on his way and everyones here, I just ate cause I was starving so..." and I dont remember what I said. I was so upset. I remember him saying something like "but i still want to at least say hi to you guys" and I just kept thinking "is this all Im worth to you?" I said "I guess we'll just see you some other time then." And I said goodbye and hung up the phone.

So there are two ways to look at this story. One of them is true, one is not, but I dont know which is which. But the facts are....he see's marcos all the time. They live very close to each other. Also, Ralphy knew about this weekend before he and marcos decided to hang out. Another fact is that this is the 6th straight invitation he has accepted and then declined to hang out with me. 6 in a row from the beginning of the summer. The first was when he said he would "try" to hang out with Ashley, heather, and I on the saturday we were in Chicago. He ended up not coming because his friend was going to hang out with him. The very next day we were back in the city to pick up Justin and he was going to go eat with us then. He didnt because his friends were sick and he wanted to take care of them. The third time I had called him from Florida and said I would be in Chicago, he said "We can hang out, watch strangers with candy...it will be fun!" I planned on it, and when I got to Chicago, he didnt answer his phone until he left for work, then he called me. I was very upset. We invited him to Eat fest this first weekend in october, and he was excited to go. I invited him the next weekend to go to Frightfest at Six Flags...and he was really excited to go. Both of those he canceled later because his boss is a few weeks pregnant and he doesnt want to ask off work now. Last was this weekend when he canceled on dinner at Flat Top.

So heres the question....incredible coincidence? 6 in a row? It could be. It could just be that these situations come up every time I want to see him. Or it could be that he doesnt know how to say no to me....it could be he doesnt want to see me. It would be awkward for him maybe. i dont know.

But after this weekend, after our conversation on the phone, I realized that I have to be incredibly careful with him. Without knowing it, I was giving him back control over my emotions during our phone conversation. I was happy about it to. He made me feel better. The next day though, he made me feel horrible. The whole time I was at Millenium Park, the whole time I was at Flat Top, the whole drive home, the whole night, the whole next day...the entire time I felt like shit. I dont know a lot of whats going on, but I know this....Neither one of us wants him to have that kind of effect on me. I dont, and he certainly doesnt. He is a good person, he wants me to be happy, and I know it would upset him to know that his new person, who he is now, if I let him, can really hurt me. He already did in December, and January, and February...March..April, May, June....and now here it is almost October, and I was convincing myself Friday night that I was talking to my best friend, who would naturally want to see me no matter what, the next day. After what we talked about the night before, he would go out of his way to get to see me for a few hours.

I dont want to put that kind of pressure on our new relationship, whatever it is to be. I have to watch myself. This weekend I gave him more of my emotions than he wants. He starts school today. He'll be busier than ever. I think the way we were working things in September were better. Keep it light, and keep it meaningless. This is still too soon to be having heart to heart conversations with Rafael.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Here we go. Life sucks. Not really. Im just so sick of Biochemistry and Neuroanatomy. I havent even been at them for that long but boy do they just wear out fast. Ive been sitting at the piano a lot lately. No music of course. I dont remember the last time I had written music in front of me. All I have are words scribbled out to songs I dont know, and everything else is sitting somewhere in my head. Sometimes when I play, Ill think to myself "where is all this stuff stored..." Ill notice as Im playing a particular song, that as I play it over and over, from day to day...it will not change. Once Ive got a certain set of notes set out, thats how they stay with that song. So somewhere up in my head there must be a group of neurons set aside for just that song. Each song has hundreds to thousands of notes in it....add on top of that timing and rhythm, and the sustain pedal...and you have a pretty complex process....then, Im able to put all of that in the background and let it play...like a record, while I sing to it. Our minds are amazing. Actually I know quite a bit about the process...thanks to neuroscience....its all because of our Cerebellum. It coordinates fine movement like walking, and playing the piano...and balance. Our brains are wonders. Right now Ive got about 30 songs up there. I havent learned any new ones this week. I learned 3 last week though. It takes a while before I put them on my list though. Ive been going back recently and polishing up some of my favorite ones....moving them to different keys or reworking the sound. Last week I worked on "Desperado"...by the eagles. I like how it sounds now. This week I did "You're still the one" by Shania Twain....I like how it sounds now. Its a cute song.

In other news....Ive attached a bell to Mr. Fluffles....he's still getting used to it. Its a cute little brass bell I found for 2 dollars at a junk sale over the weekend. My mom bought the rest of the bells...they are all at least 100 years old. His bell is now attached to a brown leather studded collar. It is adorable....now if I can just get him to stop scratching at it.

Im heading home tomorrow. Its Bryces last day in the continental United States before he heads back to Alaska....this would be a strange season to be up there....the days would get shorter and shorter very quickly this time of year. Im hoping he doesnt get sent back to the middle east. He did his time....Im afraid for his life.

Hopefully I can catch an auction this weekend. Heather called me from one last saturday and I got anxious hearing the auctioneer going in the background. You never know what you are going to find and you never know at what price you'll get it...but I just love auctions. Especially at this time of year. The weather is perfect for outdoor auctions. Its funny how certain ones stay in my head. I went to one 2 years ago that I still remember very well. It was October, the last nice warm day of the year. It was just warm enough to not have to wear a coat. The auction was at a farm outside of Rushville and was filled with antiques. There were many people there, but no one wanted the furniture....they all wanted the horses. My mom and I bought as much as we could put in the van. There were apples ripe on the trees. Everyone was eating apples. They had an old mine cart there from the coal mines....at least 100 years old....all original. It belonged in a museum and sold for a dollar. We couldnt buy it because it was way too heavy. It even came with track. There was a one-horse open sleigh. It was from the time of the spanish american war. It had never been touched. I could have bought my dad a pick-up truck for 200 dollars. It ran well. I remember halfway through the auction, everything had to stop because a rumble was heard in the air....it grew so loud that no one could hear the auctioneer anymore. I knew what it was by the sound....but it frightened a few people. A giant C-130 Hercules flew 80 feet over the top of the farm.......its 4 engines and huge propellers were droning with that low pitched hum. You could feel it in your stomach.....the vibrations from its propellers. Crazy! I love airplanes. I dont get to see enough of them living where I do. It seems like once a month, a huge NAVY jet, all in grey will circle Rockford about 6 times at a very low altitude and then disappear. Its the only one I get to see. I wouldnt mind living close to a major airport....I love the planes. This past July, I actually chose a flight with a layover so I could ride on a plane I had never been on before. It was a Boeing 737...they've been around forever, Ive just never been on one. Ive been on a 737,747-400, a 757, 767, 777, and then a few airbuses in Europe. Flying is such a treat. Man, what a ramble this entry has been. Not one of my best huh? Oh well. Im gonna go make some pancakes. I really love this log cabin syrup.....its the shit.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

I started writing this a long time ago and got interrupted. I was gonna write about my adventure with Wade....which occurred about 2 weeks ago. It had all the makings of a hollywood action blockbuster. Hot guys (that would be me and wade)...tall cliffs, asians, a giant river, torrential storms, huge waterfalls, explosive diarhea, submerged construction equipment, the Russian Mafia. Ok, so the Russian Mafia wasnt there...  I got into town late. Why? I have no idea. Wade had brought a book and was reading it in the lodge...which was full of people. The park was full of people. It was a saturday. The weather was cool and overcast....which was fine with me. We had lots of rain in the days before so all the waterfalls were running. I made Wade go with me to the giant beautiful secret waterfall that only I know about (yeah right....but seriously almost no one knows its there...and its one of my favorite places). I played in it while he watched. I know its not wise to go hiking and climbing up these giant hills and around these monsterous cliffs in flip flops...but it pays off when you get to go play in the waterfalls and not worry about getting your shoes wet. Wade got his shoes wet. He's so cute. And so quiet. I can see why his ex-boyfriend...or boyfriend now removed....or whatever he is called. I mean they arent dating because he moved to florida....but wade still really likes him.   Instead of giving him a title, we'll just call him....oh...lets say....Jeff. Well Wade was telling me that Jeff has been making some puzzling statements recently. Like describing his ex-boyfriends ability to "clean up" after himself using just his tongue...thats right....Jeffs ex boyfriend had a dick so big he could reach it with his mouth. Jeff had gone on to tell Wade he thought that was hot...and was thinking about it the other day. Wade was upset by it. It was something he didnt want to know...and was wondering why during this time when he should be missing Wade, his boyfriend was thinking about this other guy. Personally, Ive seen this kind of behavior before, and I think Jeff is probably doing things with other guys down in Florida....but thats not for me to say. I found out lastnight that Jeff is returning to Illinois next January to attend school. Wade is excited, but Im worried for him. I dont know if I like Jeff.

   Anyways, when Jeff found out that Wade was spending the day with me...he decided to call over and over. Each time he would sound worried, then sad, then angry, and would hang up the phone saying "I know you're gonna go have sex with him now...arent you?" Weeeird. I just thought for a 22 year old....thats pretty immature. Wade didnt think it was too mature either, but I think he at least was happy to see that Jeff got jealous. That would have made me happy too. I didnt have sex with Wade by the way...in case you were wondering.

    After walking to the secret waterfall and back, we decided to go into Ottawa and get some chinese buffett food. What a mistake for me. It turned my bowels inside out. We were just starting on the trail to Ottawa Canyon when the explosive diarhea started. I made him turn around and we drove back to the lodge....I had no time to spare so I burst through the doors just in time to interrupt a bride on her way to her groom. Thats right, I burst through a wedding. I couldnt help it. And its a public place....so back off!

   Afterwards, Wade and I decided to walk on the trail leading to St. Louis Canyon.... As we were walking through the thick woods, we both noticed it get dark incredibly fast. A dark cloud must have moved over us, however we couldnt see it being in the deep woods. Rain started to gently fall and Wade said "Maybe we should go back." I, on the other hand, have a keen eye, I believe, for watching clouds and predicting weather based on them. I hadnt seen the clouds for about 20 minutes, because that was when we were last in the open, but everything just looked hazy and misty....low clouds, but nothing too substantial. So I told him "Oh, its just gonna keep sprinkling on us. We'll be alright in the woods. We wont get that wet." We walked ahead for another 2 minutes. Suddenly a crazy heavy wind blew from the northwest. It came barreling up the river bluff right at us. I said "What the hell" and wade said "look at that" and pointed into the woods about 80 feet in front of us. There it was....this wall of rain and wind speeding at us at a speed we could not outrun. I just said "oh shit" and we turned around and started running, but it didnt matter. We were a half mile from the lodge. Within 30 seconds I was soaked to the core. Wade was too...except for his butt...which somehow never got wet. The only reason I could come up with....and you have to work with me here....well, some could say he has a "hot ass"....so maybe the hotness dried the rain....or it had some invisible force field around it. I dont know. Yeah, yeah, yeah....you are asking how I know he has a nice ass....well when his overly-jealous guy-friend said something about me probably checking out his ass...even though I handt yet, I made sure to do so, and decided it was nice. I mean if he really wanted to know....Im more obsessed with eyes and lips...and I had checked Wades eyes out a lonnnnnnnnng time ago, and decided he had very nice lips. But thats beside the point. He's just a friend right? So we run back through the woods, and I swear Ive never seen it rain so hard. The path became a little river almost immediately, making its own little waterfalls and rapids at each stairway. It was crazy...and unique. Id never been caught in the rain like that before. We quit running almost immediately. There was no point. I was as wet as could be. We got back to the cars just as the rain let up. Wade got in his, got a blanket for me and we sat inside with the heat on so we could dry off. I found an old shirt in my trunk I could wear since my other one was wet. We sat and talked and listened to music for about 20 minutes I think. All the while the juice in his car battery was running out! I got warm enough and decided to go. Before I got in my car he said "Wait...how about a kiss?" I said "sure". I was standing on the parkinglot and he was on the curb...which made him just about my height or a little taller. I barely had enough time to think "this is really nice" before it was over. Too quick if you ask me...but really nice. And really innocent. He had very soft lips. But I seriously had very little time to process the whole kiss as it lasted under 2 seconds.

He walked back to his car....I got into mine and started taking my rain-soaked pants off and he motioned for me to come back to his truck. His battery was dead. I put my pants back on (lol) and pulled my car up to his....we got it started. But those jumper cables freaked us out! Im not a big fan. I took my jeans back off in my car and drove home in my underwear. It got dark fast so I didnt have to worry about givin' the truckers a show while I was on I-39. I have a great time with him no matter what it seems. Ok, thats all for now.