wow!

Wow I really haven't updated on here in like a really long time. I'm trying to decide how much has changed but I guess that's not the kind of stuff that people want to read about right? Hmm well I have decided that I AM going to move to California this summer because it's a chance that most won't get to take so I might as well do it right? Well that is what I keep telling myself anyways...
I'm not going to sit on here and brag about how great things are because right now things are actually pretty hard but hey we're doing it right? I'm never giving up baby so never think that for a second!
I got a ring and it is BEAUTIFUL thanks to Patrick Brian Edmondson!!
I didn't go to school today because I really feel like shit, but hey that's okay I guess. There is always tomorrow to feel better right? Lol..
Hmm well I'm going to get off of my butt and make myself a sandwhich lol...I'll update later!

PEACE

Not this way...

   I tell myself over and over that things will be getting better here soon, but it seems like everytime I do tell myself this, something else gets fucked up... I don't know why I keep lying to myself...I really don't. The things I won't feel so out of reach that there is no way of acheiving them.You try convincing yourself that 15 days or however many ever, are not that far away, but honestly it feels like lightyears away..I try calming myself all the time, I read certain things and for awhile I'm calm again. But that feeling doesn't last very long. I try keeping myself busy as much as possible but that doesn't always work either. When you feel like you have nothing..Suddenly you realize that you are nothing. You're just taking up space in this world so that there can be a sence of fullfillment, but only you know the truth. Every other day I feel something different and I wish I knew why that was. Sometimes I feel like God is torturing me but I know that can't be right...
   I really don't know what I am thinking right now. The people that I've  hurt these past couple of days..I'm sorry and my apologies will never be good enough, that I'm aware of. I'm constantly trying to make things right between me and certain people, but when I feel like I'm the only one trying to make things work...What's the point?? If you cared, honestly, you'd call me and say that you're sorry because I shouldn't be sorry for anything. That's the way that I see it. You broke so many promises to me and contridicted the things that you said that you WOULDN'T do, whenever you ended up doing them anyways...
   I've felt like I've lost my BEST friend from awhile ago but now I'm trying to make things right. If you want to continue to lie to me and abuse this friendship then I really am FUCKING done with you and I couldn't care less either.
  Chrissy has really been there for me here lately and I've tried to be there for her as much as possible, I think...
   I know that Patrick would love to be here to help me out through all of this and it really sucks because I know that he can't. Every time that I picture him coming home, I start thinking about how I'm going to say goodbye once again and I guess that's what brings me down the most. I really dread that because each time that he comes home it gets harder and harder for me to say goodbye to him. This is what I couldn't tell you baby and for that I truely am sorry. I just didn't want to get you all feeling so depressed like you said you did feel sometimes whenever we talk about this or whatever...I never tried to make you feel this way but now you know what I feel inside. It's crazy to think that I haven't seen you since my birthday and I rememeber spending as much time with you as possible. I remember you coming in to see me at work sending me text messages that said "if there weren't so many people in here I'd probably jump this counter!!" It seems like yesterday when we got caught at every single park in Saint Joe at 3 in the morning. Those are the times that I remind myself to keep moving on. You calling me a bitch all the time at work but then making out afterwards to make things all better again..I miss that so much. I'd give anything to have that back in my life again. To be able to see you anytime that I wanted to and crying on your  shoulder every time that life seemed to get a little harder. I'd trade anything to be with you and see you now, not having to worry if you're okay or loosing you..I close my eyes and picture you laying here with me holding me until I fall asleep and it burns my eyes knowing we can't have that for awhile. So maybe I fucked up somewhere. Something happened and I can't explain it, but the moment that you left my heart went with you and I wouldn't have it any other way. So now I guess that we're stuck with each other whether you like it or not. Some people tell me that I should just forget about sharing the rest of my life with you but those people don't know what I'd give to just be with you. They really don't and I don't think that I could help them understand either. Know matter how far away from me you are, I continue to love you more and more each day. I'm sorry if this makes anyone mad...You want to know exactly what I want here it is
December-January see patrick and be with him every day that he is come
-May graduate from high school
-June move to California and go to school there living with Patrick
-December come home for Christmas
-marry Patrick
-graduate from college
-start a family with Patrick

Maybe all of those are dreams that will never happen...But baby that's what I want and you're not loosing me ever.. I love you Patrick Brian Edmondson...

*Bobbi Jo*

Hmm well today I found out that I pretty much failed my Finite test..Oh wait there is no pretty much..I definitely did!!! I think that I just might cry about it too!! I thought that today was going to go by fast, however it isn't but I can't wait until later on because I think that Chrissy and I are going to be hanging out once again because we both have no lives and yep it sounds good to me!!  I want to quit smoking but I just can't. I can't take how I feel inside whenever I 'm depressed and I feel like I NEED one...I'm pathetic.. I just wish that someone would slap me in the face and reality come with it as well...

My days off so far except for yesterday have been pretty boring if you ask me. Nothing really exciting going on at this point. I really need to start reading my book again because I have to make up some of my language homework for Ms. Wright even though most of the time I work on Bentonian anyways. I just wish that there was a way out of here only still giving me what I want. I haven't talked to Patrick in what seems like forever.. I think that it has been since Thursday or Friday..yeah I really am pathetic..I feel like taking a nap but I can't because I have to start heading back to school here in a little bit because my off hour is cut short today, which doesn't really bother me because we get out early so I guess it's just like a trade off.

Hmmm.........I don't really know what else to say. I guess when he feels like he needs to talk to me then he will call me right?? I think that I'll go crazy before he does though, so either way I guess that I am screwed no matter what happens.

Well that is all for now. I'll update later and hey maybe I'll put on a show or something...k bye.

*Bobbi Jo*

Tell me how much you hate me...

anyone want to trade lives

Hmm well you have got to love people right?? Fuck that shit!! Blah I'm so tried...Just really tired. I feel like I need a nap that lasts forever. I have got to finish all four of my stories by the end of eighth hour today or else...well I don't know. I love having these off hours and I'm so glad that I have them. It makes it even better to know that I can come home by myself now and still have money left over!! How crazy is that?? Pretty fucking crazy. All I want to do right now is sleep. Tomorrow we have an early out and I think that me and Chrissy are going to hang out tonight. I'm canceling all other plans that I had. I feel pretty "into" it right now...

I don't work again until Saturday now I think..Yeah I definitely don't!! Haha...BITHES!!

Don't really know what else to say. Hmm I think I'm going to go take a nap now because I'm really tired...

things never go my way...

Man this whole last week has been completely fucked up...Okay well today I got sent home from work because my manager was being a bitch and I was being a bitch right back at her and then she sent me home, which is okay to me because I enjoy nights off!!  Amy and I are completely through and that's okay because hey at least this way I can actually save my money!!  My little sister is being a bitch and trying to start a whole bunch of shit but I'm not having that. School really sucks and I need to finish my stuff for Bentonian because I think that I got front page story...AGAIN!!! Man this whole writing stories things are getting old, maybe...

I'm so freaking stressed out that it isn't even funny. I need to start doing my homework because I'm starting to fall behind again and I can't let that happen...

I will update later whenever I feel like typing..

*Bobbi Jo*

...Tell me how much you hate me