one of my best friends is gone in texas.
and the other one is here, but shes still gone.
i dont know whats happened, and i dont know if its something ive done--or havent done--but i feel helpless now, lost without her.
this best friend is either too stubborn or too scared to ask for anything from anyone. and i wish there were something i could do, but i feel like im intruding, or prying, or just generally being annoying and nosy. and the thing is, i would give her anything she wanted. i would offer her my heart in my hands, if she asked.
im scared that im losing people who are with me. and i dont want that. ive already lost too much. ive already lost enough. i dont want to be scrambling for that feeling of unexpected happiness that glows in my stomach every time i am with her. i dont want an alternative. and i dont want to compensate. i just want her to be okay.

"i held him as tight as i could to try to take the pain into myself. i wish i could have done that for you."
                                       -wasteland, flb

today i talked to sarah on the phone for a half hour.
her voice made me realize just how much i miss her.
and as much as i may want to go back to when things were together, and things were simple, it will never be that way again.
sarahs left, and now im leaving, and i have to understand that this is another portion of life that is beautiful and wonderful and maybe a little scary, but its life.
...and then there were three. and soon there will be two. and ill be in france, half way across the world from not only sarah, but from the rest of my family. chelsea, nellie. courtney and amber. my parents. my step parents. good friends and great people.
sarah brought up the fact that although its going to be hard getting used to, being away from each other, the fact remains that its still us. and no matter what, we will continue this friendship that has been going so strong for so long.
but anyway, its already 2:00 and i havent done anything with my day and i feel awful and lazy. so im going to shower and get my visa application ready and do something with my life.
au revoir.

so sarah left today and i feel a little more empty.
sarah left today and as i hugged her goodbye, i realized i was losing one of the most important people in my life.
one fourth of this little quatriem made up of a group of girls who were no longer lost when they found each other is now gone.
sarah left and i dont know what to say or do.
i layed in my bed this morning and thought about all the memories we have created over these years.
my god. a friendship of three years, so strong its unbelieveable, and now its gone.
i looked at pictures and read letters and notes and i couldnt stop myself from crying.
its odd to think that i cant just go to her house and sit at her kitchen table and tell her a random story anymore.
i cant look at her and just smile to myself, knowing that shes mine. shes my best friend. and i cant look at her with a shit eating grin and make her crack up like usual.
this hasnt hit me until now, and i dont even think its fully hit me.
sarahs coming back in mid september for two weeks...but by that time ill already be gone.
so, a year. a full year, at least. until i see her. until i can hug her and talk to her with no qualms and just be myself with her.
the tears are welled up in the back of my eyes but im pushing them back. crying isnt helping, and it only induces more crying.
tomorrow i have to work and as much as i may not want to i still have to. so im going to crawl into bed and close my eyes and think about things that make me happy. like chelsea today, cracking jokes, and holding me, and tickling my back, and just being there with me. which i love so much.
but yeah, now its time for me to sleep.