i get these periods of complete sadness that taker over my entire being... usually it's in reaction to something so trivial that i can't even fathom where the emotion is coming from... i try and analyze the situation but it's like trying to put a rational set of reasons to an irrational set of emotions...and it leaves me as suddenly as it appeared... today i was upset because one of my roommates asked the other one if he wanted to watch the movie he put on and didn't ask me - does what i think not matter - am i invisible??? i have yet to have the choice of what to watch on tv except for 2 times since we moved here - it sounds so petty when i write it out but i got so upset when this happened... i know this is my borderline personality disorder acting up and without therapy i don't know how to handle it... i just react and even when i try and rationally think about the situation, i can't stop the feelings that overwhelm me...

i'm so tired of being like this... when i have these emotions i'm not capable of being rational or sane... i want to scream and shout about what i'm feeling but i know it's stupid so i say nothing... i just let it fester inside me - thinking of ways to hurt myself in relief... i keep waiting for the one thing that throws me over the edge but thankfully, i guess, it has yet to wield it's ugly head... i have visions of cutting myself into ribbons of blood - even killing myself but then i think of something that prevents me from doing it - like my baby boy - he would be so upset if i did something like that and for now that's enough to keep me from taking action - that and the threat from Avenue to to Real that she will kick my ass if i kill myself but i fear that one of these days it wont be enough to stop me... i could just go to my trailer and hang out for a bit and then do it - no one checks on me - they think i'm napping or something... i watched a movie the other night where the girl killed herself by slitting her wrists in the bathtub and it made me squirm... well it actually made me jealous but it made me squirm too...

ohhhhh- i just checked my myspace acct and i had a msg from my littlest son telling me what he's doing this summer - i specifically asked him to respond with more than one word or so and he did!!!! it makes my heart sing!!!!

i'm really an emotional mess right now - i just don't know what's going on - i can't think straight and can't feel for shit... i just feel like an open sore where even the air blowing on it hurts like hell... i have to have to teeth pulled tomorrow and the pain doesn't worry me... i look forward to it... it will be good to get the broken tooth out of my mouth - it's awful and annoying and i can't wait til they take it out...

i feel like i'm writing til someone takes notice and rescues me... i went to the store today and got a really excited cuz i think the girl that owns the store hit on me - whether she did or not, it felt good to think she did... it made me feel wanted... i want so badly to feel wanted by someone - someone who loves me.... someone like a companion - a boyfriend or girlfriend - someone who wants me - i can't write about this - loneliness makes me sad...

Anyway - i have to make a phone call this afternoon that i'm not enthused to make but need to so i guess i'll be done writing... hopefully my mood will improve and i won't have to worry about taking bad action...

For those of you who aren't familiar with 12 step programs, there's a saying that goes "One day at a time" and there's a daily meditation book called "Just for today"... i've been thinking that these are phrases i need to keep in the forefront of my mind... i think i'm trying to bite off more than i can chew... i keep thinking about not eating my favorite foods, aka trigger foods, for the rest of my life which is a huge endeavor but i can more easily not eat them just for today... i'm also going to do the same thing with portion control... i know that if i can deal with the pain of eating less for 3 days, my stomach will shrink and i'll be used to eating smaller amounts of food... i just have to get through the next three days...

Today will be day one... i'm going to do really well with my eating today and not overeat at all... i will be aware of what i'm eating and why... i will not stuff myself and will be satisfied with just being full... i don't need to eat everything on my plate if i don't need it... AND i will use a smaller plate to serve out my food... i will also be aware of what i'm putting on and in my food like butter and mayo and the like and will cut down on those things too...

Ya know - the weirdest part of all of this is that i've lost weight before and had no problem doing so - of course i gained it all back obviously - but i managed the losing part... the problem this time is i'm becoming more aware of why i eat and facing the issues that haunt me... i was thinking this morning about how it's hard to lose weight but it's no picnic being heavy... here are a few things that i look forward to doing when i lose weight....

1. Putting on toe nail polish without having to hold my breath when i bend over...

2. Using a regular bath towel instead of a beach towel and being able to wrap it around my body and have it cover all my girlie parts...

3. Buy clothes off the regular rack and not in the plus size department... and having bracelets fit on my wrist!!!

4. Walk up a steep hill without getting out of breath - hell, walk up a not-so-steep hill - oh who am i kidding - walk any major distance - even on a flat surface - without getting out of breath....

5. Having my boobs stick out further than my stomach...

6. Buying sexy underwear instead of stuff that just covers up - buying sexy bras and not things that resemble small hammocks...

7. Being able to get out of the boat when fishing without help (this one embarrasses me and i almost didn't write it down)

8. Not snoring (i actually don't snore when i'm thin - honest!!!)

9. Not be embarrassed to join a miss xanga hottie contest

And 10... have guys - and girls - look at me cuz i'm hot!!!!!

There are of course some health reasons that come to mind when thinking about losing weight - things like high blood pressure - high cholesterol - diabetes (which i don't have yet but last time i was at the doc, she said my sugar was kinda high and when i tested it at home one day it was high too so we'll see what happens with that)... general aches and pains... swollen feet and a lack of energy...

I also need to remember to call my sponsor - every day like she said - i have either forgotten or not got round to it the last two days but i'll remember tonight... maybe i'll set an alarm on my watch to remind me...

Well...today will be a good day - i will eat properly, i will call my sponsor and i will blog when i need to vent some feelings... today will be a good day!!!!

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