Well, I have been back at Olivet for almost a month. DC feels like a dream, like it was unreal. But it wasn't. I changed and I have to remember that being back here. I'm not who I used to be and I don't want to become stagnate, I want to keep persevering and moving forward. As I look down the road to my last 3 semesters here, there are many things I wish I could do over, not because I regret things, but because I feel like I'm trapped myself onto a path that I don't really want to take. I sold myself short and I'm still doing it. (I think I'm also having some minor panic attacks realizing that this time next year, it will be time to be living in the real world. Don't worry, I realize this.) I'm really struggling because I don't feel this burning passion for any career choice and that scares me. I'm a passionate person, but I feel like I'm trapped here. One ordinary day after another and I'm fighting so hard to break this mold. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. I wish I had ordinary, day to day dreams for my career or that my dream was to just be a stay at home mom. But, that's not me. I want a family but I don't want to live the kind of lives I see so many Christians living. They seem like they have lost the sparkle in their eyes and their joy for life. (Thankfully, there are many families in my life to whom this does not apply.)

When did we stop dreaming? When did we quit believing that God performs miracles? Why do we buy into the lie that this is all there is when there is so much more He is waiting to give us if we would just ask? Are we blind to the fact that He is here with us now, closer than any friend...just waiting for us to stop filling our lives with wasteful activities so we can just stop and really listen? I want to do something amazing for the Lord but I feel like all my college experiences stripped me of my dreams and confidence in my talents. It's almost like I'm standing still while I watch everyone around me go about their lives and new opportunities and relationships. But I can't move because I don't know what I really want. I say that, but then I think to myself...I do know what I want. Sometimes it is easier to deny it and then present the 2 minute speech I have been performing the past two years about what I want to do in my career and life. So maybe I am just standing here paralyzed in fear. It's frustrating to come back from a life changing semester and realize it's time to go back to a normal routine. And no one cares because they don't understand. I've had a taste of what it means to live in wild trust, so why is it harder for me to live like that in the little things than in the big, exciting, life altering times? The bottom line is this...I must be recklessly abandoned to Christ and I must surrender to him completely. I want my indomitable spirit back and I want to live a life that reflects my favorite verse Ephesians 3:20. And I can't wait to find my kindred spirit who believes that anything is possible if we just have the courage to believe it.

Time flies when you are sleeping...

Break has been wonderful. I can't believe I have been back in the Midwest for two weeks...it feels like yesterday but then again it feels like two years. This could be due to the amount of sleeping I have been doing. I have slept at least 9 hours a night if not 11. In between, I've been spending time with my family and friends. It has been so great to just relax for so long. I worked all summer and then I worked in DC. Even though it was a blast, it is nice to sleep in my own bed and slow down. Right now I'm at Aunt Lori's hanging out with Heidi and Brian. Basically, I'm getting paid to play Gamecube, take bike rides, go bowling and go the movies. :) Yesterday was fun as well...I just helped clean up around the house, organized my DC pics that I finally got printed, and then headed to Greenwood to go out to dinner with Emilee and Mrs. Foxworthy at Don's. It was a great girl's night, I'm thankful for those times! And tonight I think Sarah and I are hanging out. It should be a good weekend with the Linn family here for New Year's and Linz is coming as well! Can't wait for our homemade pizza tradition...=)

Please continue to pray for my Uncle Harold who is still in the hospital. It's been four weeks, but he has such a long way to go and this is all very exhausting for his wife and kids.

I can't believe I've been back in the Midwest for over a week. I miss DC so much, but mostly I miss the people. How is it that I felt more understood and more myself with people I'd only known for 4 months? All I want to do right now is sit around our kitchen table with Lindsay, Rachel, Elissa, Laura, Neal and Andrew and play euchre, joke around, and talk in the Big Momma voice. Or lay on the floor in the middle of the living room with Lindsay and talk about how we need big, burly men to come hold us. No one here gets these jokes and that stinks. "Harsh reality." I guess I'm frustrated because Olivet is such a bubble! And I've been out in the real world and it just makes some things at school seem so ridiculous. I guess any Christian school is like that.

I know the semester is over, and I'm moving on. And I know it will be an alright semester. But I can't put into words what I feel. Everyone here moved on with their lives, and I moved on with mine and I feel like I grew up a lot. Then I come back and I just feel like I don't fit back into my old space. That's because I was free to be myself and I refuse to be molded back into what everyone expects me to be. I hate that I don't deal with these changes well. I just loved those people so much and then one day we are all scattered across the country again? Harsh reality. I am so glad to be at home with my family and friends here. It is a safe place to re-adjust and process everything. Maybe I've had too much alone time this week. I have to continue to trust God more and more and remember that His plans are better than mine, even when it seems I get teased with situations, I know God's plans will be greater than I can ask or imagine. I only have to look at the last year of my life to remind myself of this.

I am so excited for Christmas, and I am loving being back in my own house.

I'm Movin' On

As I wind down my time here in DC, I am apprehensive  and excited about coming back. But I know that when I go back home, I won't be returning to how things used to be. Because I have moved on. I have changed. I had to leave. I am going to keep moving on even as I return home...this experience has changed me. It has been so fun, so refreshing, and so freeing! I can't wait to see what happens next...Thank you Lord for this opportunity! Thank you for the people I have come to love here...Lead me, guide me...Wherever you want me, I will go. Whoever you want me with...I trust You! I have faith that you will continue to do more than I can ask or imagine...Amen.

 I'm Movin' On- Rascal Flatts

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demonsFinally content with a past I regretI've found you find strength in your moments of weaknessFor once I'm at peace with myselfI've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for toolongI'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the facesEach one is different but they're always the sameThey mean me no harm but it's time that I face itThey'll never allow me to changeBut I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' onI'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not aloneThere comes a time in everyone's lifeWhen all you can see are the years passing byAnd I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn'tStopped to fill up on my way out of townI've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn'tI had to lose everything to find outMaybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this roadI'm movin' onI'm movin' onI'm movin' on