Well, I have been back at Olivet for almost a month. DC feels like a dream, like it was unreal. But it wasn't. I changed and I have to remember that being back here. I'm not who I used to be and I don't want to become stagnate, I want to keep persevering and moving forward. As I look down the road to my last 3 semesters here, there are many things I wish I could do over, not because I regret things, but because I feel like I'm trapped myself onto a path that I don't really want to take. I sold myself short and I'm still doing it. (I think I'm also having some minor panic attacks realizing that this time next year, it will be time to be living in the real world. Don't worry, I realize this.) I'm really struggling because I don't feel this burning passion for any career choice and that scares me. I'm a passionate person, but I feel like I'm trapped here. One ordinary day after another and I'm fighting so hard to break this mold. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. I wish I had ordinary, day to day dreams for my career or that my dream was to just be a stay at home mom. But, that's not me. I want a family but I don't want to live the kind of lives I see so many Christians living. They seem like they have lost the sparkle in their eyes and their joy for life. (Thankfully, there are many families in my life to whom this does not apply.)

When did we stop dreaming? When did we quit believing that God performs miracles? Why do we buy into the lie that this is all there is when there is so much more He is waiting to give us if we would just ask? Are we blind to the fact that He is here with us now, closer than any friend...just waiting for us to stop filling our lives with wasteful activities so we can just stop and really listen? I want to do something amazing for the Lord but I feel like all my college experiences stripped me of my dreams and confidence in my talents. It's almost like I'm standing still while I watch everyone around me go about their lives and new opportunities and relationships. But I can't move because I don't know what I really want. I say that, but then I think to myself...I do know what I want. Sometimes it is easier to deny it and then present the 2 minute speech I have been performing the past two years about what I want to do in my career and life. So maybe I am just standing here paralyzed in fear. It's frustrating to come back from a life changing semester and realize it's time to go back to a normal routine. And no one cares because they don't understand. I've had a taste of what it means to live in wild trust, so why is it harder for me to live like that in the little things than in the big, exciting, life altering times? The bottom line is this...I must be recklessly abandoned to Christ and I must surrender to him completely. I want my indomitable spirit back and I want to live a life that reflects my favorite verse Ephesians 3:20. And I can't wait to find my kindred spirit who believes that anything is possible if we just have the courage to believe it.