| I don't know what to think of myself sometimes. I just want to do the right thing, and be a nice guy, and make people happy, and maybe stand up for what I believe in. But I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing, or something that I was taught wrongly.
There's a person I know that has done cocaine. And to me that seems like a big deal. Mostly because of how people who do cocaine are portrayed in the media. Like these gaunt people with sallow skin, and zombie eyes, and look like they're goin to collapse, and blood comes from their nose, etc. I KNOW this is not how my friend is. But I still can't help but think of these things when I hear that he has done it.
I told my other friend, this thing (I don't know what to call it) and he said what's the big deal. Is doing coke not a big deal? I was always taught that it was. But didn't the musician, Rufus Wainwright, who I appreciate and love use to do coke to? Didn't The Beatles and countless other bands that I greatly admire use to do all sorts of drugs too? But whenever I hear of a friend that's trying LSD, or coke, or whatever, I get these feelings of worry and concern.
Am I overreacting? I don't know if I am. A lot of people would say that I am, but a lot of people would say that I'm not. So it seems that there is no clear-cut answer.
It's just very odd when I see so many people do drugs on their free time; so many people do it--mostly pot. And I guess I don't have a problem with pot, but some friends were smoking it in my van, and that made me extremely uncomfortable. But why was I uncomfortable? I was mostly thinking of my mom, and how she would feel ashamed of me if she found out that this was happening. But I don't know for sure if she would feel that way. I know for sure that my dad did drugs in high school; he's even told me that I could try it, but if I did it a lot he'd kill me. I guess he just doesn't want to see my life go down the drain.
So when I see my friends smoking weed every day, and when I hear that they've done coke on several occasions, I kind of get this feeling as if their lives were going down the drain. But I probably don't have the power to judge that one. And I know that people probably hate it when people don't understand that drugs are actually okay. People probably hate it when people judge them for smoking pot, when they think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. That it's incredibly relaxing, doesn't affect your driving skills whatsoever, and is maybe even healthy because it lowers your stress. And stress is probably unhealthy for the body.
I don't know. I guess I also fear, because marijuana is illegal, and for example, the situation where pot was being smoked in my van, I had this strange sense that I was doing something wrong. But then again, lots of cultures depend on pot, such as the native americans, and it's the most normal thing in the world. So how is one to judge that it's wrong, when the law might even be wrong. I don't know... I really wish there was no stupid law, and then I wouldn't have to worry about this whole situation, and worry about friend's doing coke.
I guess I've babbled for too long. And I don't think I've came to any conclusion whatsoever. I just want to live a professional life, be a nice person, keep a clean soul, and perhaps make my way to heaven if such a thing exists. (which is another issue that I deal with from time to time--the existance of God). So let's just say that I have to form some solid opinion on what I think of coke and LSD and marijuana, and figure out how to behave when this stuff is around me. Because it's all there.
Oh, and another thing that really bothers me is that my friends are buying drugs from drug dealers, and I can't get it out of my head that eventually that money is going in the hands of bad people. And it's the same as Walmart or slaughter houses that mistreat animals or whatever. The money towards drugs are going in the hands of bad people, which doesn't sound at all good in my book. But I don't know for sure if that is true. Maybe really nice drug dealers exist. I have no idea. Maybe they use the money to help build Venezuela, I have no idea...I just don't think I want to have anything to do with it. And grr...that's where another problem starts. Like I have a friend that sells drugs for profit. I mean, I don't know how to react to that. They're really really nice people, but they have this business, which I was always taught to be wrong. So yeah...
I was a sheltered child, and I'm sure a lot of you guys are thinking that I'm some sort of baby. But I think a lot of people understand what I'm going through because they were raised pretty much the same way. That drugs are bad, and you don't want to be with people who do them.
But its so odd, because my mom hung out with those people too, and maybe even tried it, I don't know if she would tell me if I asked her. I know my uncles have done it for sure, cuz they did it in our house. grr...it's so weird. Adults are so weird. And I still don't know how I'm supposed to act or behave. |
But it might prove interesting...Who knows...And I know the Chaucer class is going to be a pain in the butt, but it's about time I've read the Canterbury Tales.