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| this is going to be my final entry in this xanga, i guess to kind of symbolize the closing of a chapter of my life.
it's not much of a secret anymore. i'm still in love with heather, but it's not a burden to me anymore. i'm really happy for her, and i want her to be happy. this love i have for her has matured a lot, and made me grow up a lot in the process.
it still hurts sometimes, but my unconditional love for her makes me happy most of the time. i never thought someone that hurt me so much could make me smile by just thinking about her.
we had a great conversation yesterday, where i told her how i felt. i told her that i was sorry for how i've acted towards her the past year and a half, how i was sorry and didn't mean the things i said to her. i told her that i was still in love with her, but it was ok that she didn't love me back. i missed her, and wanted to be good friends again, if she could forgive me.
having coffee with her was probably the best decision ive made in a long time.
i wont ever stop loving her, and she'll never love me back... but hopefully we can remain as close as possible.
if by some odd chance you ever read this: i love you heather benson, and happy belated birthday. i hope you enjoyed that iced mocha. i sure have missed you.
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| i think i was right about the cause of my nightmares. i think they're finally going to stop.
i haven't been happy like this since
http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=theenlightened&nextdate=3%2f11%2f2005+23%3a59%3a59.999
xanga's been a good chronicle of my life, starting at the top, falling all the way down, and now i'm finally at the top again.
all the entries here, some private, most public, will be a great read in 10 years. that is, assuming, it will all still be here. i hope so. i sure have grown up a lot i the past 3 years since i started this thing.
funny how something like xanga can change your life, even though it had an almost overlooked part.
strangely enough, if it wasn't for xanga, i wouldnt be anywhere close to who i am today. thanks xanga.
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| and i'm still having chronic nightmares every night. over 2 years and counting now. woos.
i had one a few weeks ago that kind of resembled dane cook's nightmare with the giant crab chasing after him. no loafers though, so i'm not gay. whew.
oh yeah, and i'm a double major in philosophy and psychology now. i'm also minoring in business and biology. nice.
i wonder what tonight's nightmare is gonna be.
i also wonder how long before my chronic nightmare friend is gonna drive me a little bit loopy.
given the ever so subtle events of today, i'd imagine tonight's nightmare will use a little bit of my 'past ghosts'
they're usually themed kinda like that.
i'm tired as hell.
oh yeah, and i found out something about my physiology a few months ago. apparently i have a mild form of non-verbal tourret's syndrome. did i spell that right? maybe. i'm not looking it up.
so yeah about this new little syndrome i found out i have. i was watching an episode of south park during spring break or some crap, and it involved cartman pretending to have tourret's syndrome so he could yell whatever he wanted. it was kind of educational about the disease or whatever it is. so i got curious and looked it up to educate myself... and what do i find? i have a ton of symptoms of the non-verbal kind. what a discovery, eh?
so here's a little insight as to my little syndrome: i have this leg tick where i have to 'double clutch' my right foot when i walk. it feels like i'm not walking on it hard enough or something so i have to double clutch every step or i get really irritated at it. you'd never even notice i was ever doing it, it's pretty subtle.
i also used to have this nose thing where i would crinkle my nose like a rabbit or something all the time. i still do it on occasion. i remember i started doing it when i was like 8 or 9, and my sister actually picked up the habit thanks to me. ftw.
and this new one that a girl named wendy pointed out to me a few weeks ago. apparently i wink a lot when i blink or something. i only notice it when people actually point it out. i think i just blink my right eye more intensely than my left eye once in a while and it looks like a wink. i can probably pick up chicks with that one, eh? maybe not.
i also have this really weird one where i have to bend my neck in a certain fashion to the right in a clockwise direction at a rather intense angle.
if i dont do these things when i feel the urge, the urge gets worse and worse until i just -have- to do it, but if i resist for a while i end up doing the little motion rather more intensely than i normall would.
just figured out another one. when i'm typing my right thumb, where you rest the meaty part of it on the computer, has to be moved to the left with the skin touching the computer so it pulls the skin a little bit in the opposite direction.
isn't this a weird ass little disease? funny thing, there's not much research or anything about it because noone knows what causes it. fun.
I FUCKING HATE NIGHTMARES
it's good to get this stuff out once in a while. i'm getting rather frustrated waking up most mornings thanking god it wasn't real.
i think i found the cause behind my nightmares, too. can't be too sure though, but i'm pretty sure i know what causes it. no way to fix it though, so i'm at peace with it for the most part.
noone reads these anymore. xanga was more fun when everyone was on here reading and commenting. then there was that rare drama spit that would happen via xanga. man, those were pitiful. maybe even more pitiful is the fact that noone uses xanga anymore so they keep sending out emails to me saying 'we miss you!' that's sweet. i love you, xanga, but i dont blog much anymore.
"i've got this acid but i can't take it"
"well... i'll do it"
hot rod rules.
"i dont know cindy, cuz it's SUPER BADASS?!"
oh yeah, hot rod definitely rules.
so does the book 'a confederacy of dunces,' by the way. everything ignatius says is gold.
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
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| i shot a 24/25 and a 25/25 in trap today. tight. my laptop is fixed. in record time too. i also scammed wal-mart into replacing my cracked oblivion disc. that saved me $60. holla. i think i'm going to have to cancel my subscription to the beta sig float trip next week in order to shoot at a trap tournament with my dad. i didn't even notice the two overlapped. no brainer, i'm shooting. father's day bbq tomorrow. you're invited (maybe). | | |
| "11. Limitation of Coverage. This Agreement Does Not Cover: ............. d) Damage or other equipment failure due to causes beyond Our (they capitalize themselves. someone's got a big head) control including, but not limited to,........................freezing, unusual atmospheric conditions, telephone failure, or acts of war or acts of God." ok then, so if a Tomahawk Missile strikes my computer down, or if God hates my computer, i'm screwed. good to know. it was actually me who screwed up my computer because i'm a bad electronic parent and abuse my electronic children, i.e. my laptop. but they don't know that, and they're giving me an updated, brand new laptop. (humbly) i'm amazing. my laptop would be a crappy bullet/locust shield anyway. | | |
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