Currently Watching Sense and Sensibility (1995) [Region 2] By James Fleet, Tom Wilkinson, Harriet Walter, Kate Winslet, Emma Thompson see related

Onions; or The Great Occidental Road Trip

Currently Listening Neon Bible By Arcade Fire see related

Love, actually.

Currently Watching Kung Fu Hustle (Widescreen Edition) By Kwok Kuen Chan, Chi Ling Chiu, Xiao Lung Ding, Zhi Hua Dong, Xiaogang Feng see related

Heroes or Bleary-Eyed Gamers

Wow..so it’s been quite a while since I’ve ventured into the world of bloggage, as it were.  There are several reasons I could give for the lack of material in the past few months, but really it just boils down to routine and lack of motivation, I suppose.  You know how that goes?  You get into the habit of not doing something that you usually do...even if only for a few weeks...at which point in time it becomes easier not to do it.  And following that up, the longer you take the easy way out...do the thing that’s easy, even if it’s not best, even if it’s not even what you WANT to do...the harder it becomes to get oneself up for something else.  The motivation not only fades away, but becomes hard to renew.  Ergo, things that were hard before become impossible, things that you didn’t enjoy before become absolute chores, and even things that you once enjoyed, if they took any amount of effort, are replaced all too easily by things that are simply more...simple.  Life becomes a practice of sticking with whatever takes the least “out of comfort zone” behavior at any point in the day.  And that’s just what God asks of us...right?

There stands a slack-jawed child mesmerized before a television set or a gaming machine.  Heh, it’s an image we’ve all shuddered at, isn’t it?  An image that we’ve all looked at and said, “I’m so glad I don’t look like that...even when I watch TV, I have life and intelligence in my eyes.”  Those very words have escaped my mouth many times before.  Walk into any Best Buy and saunter up and down the game console aisles.  If you’ve never stopped and pondered the effect that those systems are having upon the young...and old...that are gazing upon them, do so.  And while you’re thinking, think about why that image is so repulsive. Is it BECAUSE they’re looking at a video game system?  Is it because they’re engaging in an activity of entertainment, and having a blast doing it?  No.  It most certainly isn’t that facet of the portrait I’m painting before you that disturbs you so.  No, it’s a deeper issue than that.  It’s not the screen or the game, it’s the fact that most of them don’t even seem like they ARE having a blast.  It’s the utter and complete lack of purpose...the obvious lack of engagement, drive...thought...  It’s the totality of the immersion.  It’s how completely and druggedly, if you’ll allow me the creation of a word, the outside world has been replaced by something that’s so EASY.  There’s no other word with which to describe it.  I’ve been sitting here wracking my brain to find another way to name the quality of a game, or television, or whatnot, that makes it so horrifically seductive and frightfully easy to escape to, and I can’t come up with anything else.  It isn’t “more fun.”  It isn’t “stimulating.”  It most certainly isn’t “better” than anything else.  It’s just, simply, easier.  And that thought is truly terrifying if one stops to mull it over.

Yes, I’ve said many a time that I don’t look like that when I watch TV, or play a video game on a console...but do I ACT like that?  Do I escape...take the easy way out?   Yes, I do.  Constantly.  You see, if you stop and think about what I asked you to stop and think about, and came to the same conclusion I did, you’ll see that what repulses you about an innocent child’s immersion in a video game doesn’t have anything to do with the game itself, at all.  For you, it could be a game, or television.  It could be time alone when you should be with people.  It could be wandering the house, or sleeping.  It could be eating.  It could be any personal activity that has become so easy and comfortable that it takes you away from God, or from other activities that you love.  If anything becomes so easy that you stop doing not only the things that you should do, but the things that you WANT to do, you’re existing in the same state in which that dull-eyed child is while he sits in front of his game system.  And even then, these are simply actions taken that reflect on an attitude of the heart...and a set of the mind.

Do I sit in front of a game system, bleary eyed and unaware?  Heh, yes I do.  More often than I’d like.  But is that the issue?  No, not at all.  It’s a symptom of the true issue...and that issue is what scares me.  We all, as human beings, born of sin and flesh, enjoy living the easy life.  We love to simply float on, to slip and slide and drip through life like we’re a ragdoll swept along by a river...not only do we not have to do anything but exist and subsist, but we have a wonderful excuse.  Whatever can a ragdoll do to fight the flow of a mighty river?  I can’t change the world...heh, I can’t even change how easy it is for me to get up in the morning.  So why should I even try?  I shouldn’t.  It is ENTIRELY impossible for that doll to swim against the flow of the river...because to begin with, that doll can’t swim at all.  And that IS human life.  I AM incapable of doing anything other than what my brain synapses are most apt to do, and what my sin nature is most comfortable mucking around in.

Aye...but that’s the OLD picture.  Like a movie, the first in a trilogy, in which the hero is just rolling around in the refuse of his life, not only unable to perform the heroic acts for which he was created, but unknowing of his ability to do anything different than he has for the past however many years he’s lived.  Think silly, naïve Peter Parker, or juvenile, bitter Bruce Wayne.  But there always comes a point in time in which the elements of the movie change.  There’s always a moment of change.  A pivotal introduction of power and purpose.  Those powers and that purpose aren’t all thrown in all at once, of course, but there is always a notable, distinct...beginning.  After that beginning, the newfound greatness is tried and honed and grown through trials and situations that Peter Parker or Bruce Wayne couldn’t begin to handle...but the hero overcomes them and becomes stronger.  That’s what makes a great story of a great hero...a normal person who’s entire picture is changed by the introduction of something that makes him capable of handling what’s thrown his way...every time.

If, then, the ragdoll floating aimlessly downstream is my first movie...why should it continue to be my present?  Oh, why shouldn’t it?  Well, you see...I’ve already been given my power and purpose.  I was given it about twelve years ago...and the greatest thing is that I don’t even have to win the war.  I don’t have to beat the bad guy and win the girl.  It’s already been done.  It was done before I was born.  He’s already won...and no, they don’t have a chance.  Do you think they know that, by the way?  Do you think the enemy KNOWS that he’s defeated at this point?  Do you think that he understands that the outcome is not in question...that the victory has already been won?  Does he know?  Hehe.

I’ve been given my power and my purpose, AND my enemies are already arrayed in defeat before me.  Why in the world am I still living in my Episode One?  Why am I still being hurtled this way and that in the flood?  Hmm...I, personally, don’t think anyone would like Spiderman or Batman if the respective heroes refused the gifts that were offered.  Sure, they go through periods of doubt and questioning.  But if they flat out said, “nah, I enjoy my life juuuuust like it is, thanks,” and the movie went on for another hour and a half showing them living like they always had...well, that would be an utterly sucky movie, to be honest and blunt.  No one would watch that movie.  No one wants to be that hero...or whatever you’d call that person.  But I lived it.  I WAS that person, and am fighting being that person.  Why?  Think about those stories.  There’s always a loss involved.  There’s always a supremely hard CHOICE to be made.  With great power comes great responsibility.  To move into that chosen life, the life of power and purpose and rewards, is to choose the responsibility to carry those blessings outside that lovely little bubble that we all know and love.  It means gaining eternity with your Creator and the Lover of your soul...but it means giving everything else up, and making an EFFORT to give it up.  It’s not like we can just open our hands and let things fall out.  To understand giving everything away, you have to think of yourself more like an incredibly powerful magnet...and all your possessions are composed entirely of metals.  You have to willfully choose to strip off each bit of what you’re holding onto, with the pain that comes from removing something that’s attached, and hurl it far enough away that it won’t come back.  Easy?  Ha, who said anything about easy?

In the end, though...the hero accomplishes so much, overcomes the forces of evil itself, to win the day.  And that’s what speaks to the core of who God made us to be.  That’s why we love those movies, even if the acting is revolting and the scripting sounds like it was written by monkeys.  I’m not a great actor in this life, either.  I fall and say stupid things and would look like a total dork to anyone watching MY movie.  But we love those stories...they tug at a certain string in our hearts.  And THAT’S why you hate seeing that child absorbed in Super Mario Brothers.  That’s why it makes you sick to see that forty-year-old lost in Lost.  Is there anything wrong with those activities?  No!  Gaming and even watching TV with friends can be great fellowship and relaxation.  But these people aren’t doing that, are they?  You aren’t, are you?  We’re Bruce wasting away in bitterness...but never acting to avenge the wrongs.  We’re Peter seeing everything that we’ve ever wanted...but blushing and turning away.  I’m done with easy.  I’m ready for power and purpose and TRUTH.  God, I’m yours.  And I know...I’ll need to say that in ten minutes, and tomorrow, and Tuesday, and every day after that.  But someday...you know...I will be ready kick some serious bootay!

War ridiculous super hero movies.  War beating the tar out of evil.  War CHOOSING to run that laziness and years of blubber off.

Power, peace, purpose...

Out.

Currently Listening Love By The Beatles Here Comes the Sun see related

A Child of Illusion

I need guidance from a pair of eyes that sees my path more clearly than do I.  My hands inch outward, leaving their tense and weary dwelling place clinched tight against my side   - woeful now that I am here, but woeful more that it was so long ere I realized.

I need a guide to walk me o'er this rocky way, a guide not blind like he to be guided.  Ever happily did I walk, to stumble over each pebble.  Ever I thought that I watched the road, but nay, it was some fanciful image of myself.  Peering inward, yet seeing not the heart, neither still and less the road that grew more treacherous by the day.

I needed nothing, so I thought.  But on this quiet winters' eve, by some queer happenstance, I catch a glimpse of my face.  Not the one I thought I wore, but young.  The face of a babe, and younger still.  Not only a face, however, but a being, younger than young.  Crawling still.  Pieces of this daunting puzzle lock themselves, arm in arm.  Yea, a blind babe would often stumble o'er the smallest obstacle….

I need so much, I see at last, not the least to see how much I need.  And so my hands reach further out, fingertips questing to find a loving and all-knowing grasp.  It startles me to see these hands are not those of a scholar, or a warrior strong and wise.  These hands are weak, with fingers small and skin that speaks still of a mother's womb.

I need to go on, to walk the road that before me is set, but now I can't, I desire it not, I dare not move.  All the bruises and grievous tears in the flesh I now feel as if they were fresh.  A reminder of a thousand wrong turns made etched into flesh that I once thought was tempered by my wise and thoughtful mind.

I need to trust.  I need to heed the Director's words that so long I have prayed for, not be dismayed by all the winding off-roads real - and the multitudes again that prove phantasms created by my own cruel thoughts.

I need guidance from a pair of eyes that sees my path more clearly than do I.  So now I stand here, on this dreary winters' eve, with arms outstretched.  I want to reach out even further but my cross and obstinate limbs won't heed my command.  My limit has been reached, my former maps burned away.  My every thought yearns for that mighty hand to grasp and lead - lead on and through the crossroads many.  My hands are open, my arms outstretched, my spirit broken, and all else is but confused.  But here I will wait until that hand comes nigh to lift me off my tattered knees and set me forward once again.  Here I will wait.

Currently Reading Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith By Rob Bell see related

Of decisions made...

A lack of writing is rarely because of a lack of inspiration.  Well, at least on my part, I can state that with a sense of certainty.  There is an overabundance of material and madness, truth and whimsy, that floats about in my head at any given time.  And by overabundance I do mean OVERabundance.  I can go a month and half and not post on this dear Xanga of mine, and at the same time spew things out of my wicked and untamed mouth that I never meant to say, or didn't think about saying.  The gift of prowess with the tongue and the pen...an amazing ability that God put into this life, and that has been used to His glory time and again, no question...is both a blessing and a tremendous curse, if you'll allow me the old and overused saying.  *smiles*  The blessing side I've simply and constantly failed to use in the way that would glorify Him and bless others the most.  The curse side...I've never understood more before than I do now.

You must understand that I have been planning a light and funny post for a while now...I've written several, in fact, that have never come to light.  Too drawl.  Not funny enough.  For whatever reason it may be, I've neglected to post the past few writings of mine.  And that doubt of appreciation...the doubt that my posts would make people laugh - had EVER made people laugh - led me yet another step down the road of thinking that I've been following for some time now.  So this is not written with eloquence or to be witty or wry.  This is not meant as satire.  I'm not attempting to make it flowery or beautiful.  It just IS.  It is the liberating, stifling......truth.

I've come to a head at this point in my life.  I've come to a fork in the road.  To a place where I MUST make a choice.  God has shown me through recent events, events that have brought things into focus that I have been pondering and longing after for ages now, to a place where I realize that I can not stand any longer.  I can not stay where I am.  Or rather, where I've been.  Not because I've had any kind of spiritual bombshell dropped on me, but because I simply CAN'T.  God has forced me into a place where remaining still is not a possibility.  To do things the same as I always have is not within my realm of options anymore.  It just is not.  He's removed every comfort.  Everything that I could find peace and distraction in holds no influence over me anymore.  The secret places of my mind and heart that I could withdraw into to staunch the flow of spiritual lifeblood have been cracked open and exposed to the brightest of Lights.  Wrong things?  No.  Things that are perfectly acceptable.  Some of them even recommended and blessed in the proper timing and situation.  Sin?  Yes.  Because I'd been using them as band-aids.  I'd been shoving them down my own throat to numb the pain.  I'd been smashing bits and pieces of the rough, jagged material of the world into my own bloody, pulpy wound to try and ease the flow.  And it worked...until God chose to open my eyes.  When it got hard, I could distract myself with these things.  I could pull the covers over my eyes and not look into His.  No more...

You must understand, beloved, that it is not simply that I WANT to be here that puts me in this place.  Yes, I do want God more than anything...I can say that now, wholeheartedly.  But at this point, it goes beyond that.  I MUST have Him.  I have no other choice.  Because I've come to a blissfully wonderful and exceedingly terrible truth:  no matter how hard one tries, there is NOTHING on this earth that will satisfy.  You cannot understand the overwhelming power and sense of helplessness that this notion brings forth until you've experienced it yourself.  You don't know what a thunderclap of a thought it is that this gaping tear in your heart CANNOT be affected by your will or your attention to or focus on anything around you...CANNOT be made whole or beautiful or even cleansed from horrible, rank infection by anything you can do within your own power.  But you also don't know the wonder and unspeakable HOPE that is found in seeing Him fight SO HARD and strip away so many layers of garbage for.......you.

"O my God, my soul is cast down within me:  therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan, and of the Hermonites, from the hill of Mizar.  Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy waterspouts:  all thy waves and thy billows are gone over me.  Yet the Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life."  Psalm 42:6-8

Agony.  How can I understand that calling of deep unto deep when I don't even understand or know my OWN deep?  How can I follow Him with all my heart and soul when I can't even make my own frozen feet take that next step?  Agony.  Built up for months......culminating with my own hill of Mizar.  One moment during which the floodgates were opened and I felt the crushing weight of the billows overtop of me.  The lack of fulfillment.  The need for something sure....something powerful....something that can never, ever be taken away.  The final, bleak certainty that there is not a single place left within my flesh and hideously powerful and strong will for me to look. 

When all is stripped away....all.  It's a powerful word.  And I have stood there.  With NOTHING left.  Not.  One.  Thing.

........Lovingkindness.  There is power in that word that I can't understand or begin to comprehend.  But from that incomprehensible power, I glean a sliver of one thing that I need the most right now...hope.  Because, you see...there is a particular choice that I have to make at this fork in the road.  I cannot stand.  So there are two paths that tug mightily at my heart:  the way out......and the way In.  This is not a quandary that is uncommon to man.  It is the single inevitable choice that we make on a daily basis, whether we know it or not.  But very few are the times when that choice is at the agonizing, overwhelming forefront with such a complete bearing on the remainder of one's life.  Even so, God always provides us with a way out.  A way to escape.  A way to turn away from the longings and the pain.  He provides us with that way out so that we can gain strength in the standing....and when the time comes....to trust Him even more and take the step further in....closer to the fire, the pain....and the Source, the Will, and the magnificent Promises that so often we imagine we need to fight for ourselves....  The choice is the growth….and therein lies the question for me.

A question?  No, an answer.  I have no eloquent way to wrap this up, beloved.  No quaint ending or moral of this story.  God is after my heart.  I want to want to give it to Him fully, but it means giving up everything I love....and it's so, so hard....even now that I know and even feel that I don't have those things to begin with....that I never even did.  He wants me with an all-consuming passion....the same passion with which He burns for YOU.  All is stripped away in this confrontation.  Every last comfort.  Every last lie.  Every last minute grain of privacy.  I lie naked and blinded beneath the glorious, torturous brilliance of the fullness of His love.  He is Jehovah-Raphe....The Lord Who Heals.  Not because I'm worthy of healing, or because I can ever MAKE myself worthy....just because ­He IS.  Thusly, I have no resolution, no point....no answer....but I have this, WE have this:

"And shall not God avenge His own elect, which cry day and night unto Him, though HE BEAR LONG WITH THEM?  I tell you that He will avenge them speedily…"  Luke 18:6-8

I will bear long with Him.  I will wrestle God and my heart until I have what I'm seeking...or rather, what He's offering.  I choose.........futher IN.  I choose to live so that "the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus."  (Philippians 4:7 paraphrase).  Not because I can do it in my own strength.  But because I finally realize that I can't.  And that He desires not only SO much more FOR me........but that He desires ME.............me?

Me.

_________

War being freed to cry.  War mink boas.  War....a God who keeps His promises.

Blessings, perseverance.....peace to all of you.

Out.