Um....

Switched....

If You're Not Enough Without It, You'll Never Be Enough With It

I know that I'm not "enough" just as I am. I realized this last night as I flippantly told a lie in front of people that make me very aware of my insecurities. I lie all the time, I feel. I realized I am so scared of rejection and not being "enough" just as I am. I don't know how to change it either because I don't think I've even been aware of it up to this point. 

I'm not really good at anything so I lie to try to make myself and others think I am. I am all talk. I'm scared of everything and even everyone. I don't know if I could truly be satified being alone, on my own.

Hami made a good point last night. She told me that obviously, God has a good reason for me not having a job this summer. That helped me see things differently. Could He be trying to break me and get me intouch with Him? I can admit that work is my #1 priority when I have a job. It comes before friends, family, school, life, church, everything, which explains why, without it, I feel so lost and insecure. If I put my purpose and trust in the right places, my world wouldn't be shattered when I lose my job.

Another good point made to me was by Yemi. He reminded me "YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING BEFORE YOU CAN DECIDE THE STEPS TO GET THERE." So the big Q is "Where am I going?" There are many things I've wanted to do, but I've never wanted anything enough that it would chnage me--myself, my life, my actions, my lifestyle. 

Heidi Goodell said it best to me...living life in the middle is the worst and you can't be happy. You keep one foot in each door, limiting yourself from the fullness of what's inside either door. You can't be happy living halfway for God because you're convicted of not fully stepping into that doorway and because you're not fully stepping into that doorway, you can't fully receive the blessings. And having one foot in the world isn't satisfying either because you can't totally live in the world knowing that there's more to life just from slightly opening the door to Christ and Christianity. I tell you LUKEWARM SUCKS!!

Learned something else today about myself...I guess I've known for a while that I'm afraid of commitment, but in all honesty, I really didn't know why. I know why...if I allow myself to fully commit to one thing or one person, I'm allowing myself to risk fully failing or getting cut, hurt deep. .....I'm not willing to take that chance, not with any friend, any boyfriend, any situation, not even Christ, which I am not proud to admit. In my life, every time I have totally relied on someone or commited to something, they have let me down so hard or I have let myself or my family down. I guess you could say, I gave up. It wasn't exactly my intention...people had let me down and I knew that I didn't want to get hurt again so I learned not to rely on any one person alone. And because I have developed this habit, I know that I will struggle giving everything to God or totally giving my heart to a guy until I learn to surrender everything to God and really put myself all the way on the line. I don't want to get hurt. And I don't trust myself or anyone else.

But I'm getting answers and purpose back in my life. It's just taking more time than I wanted it to....but I'm determined. Thank you to those of you who have been helping me through this time. I don't know what I would do without you guys....Schreiner Bud, Yemi, Stoller, Heidi, Hami, Dad, Bro Ron, Brux....I love you guys. And I need you. Please don't give up on me. I'm getting back up. Just keep praying for me. I will do the same for you. God bless

Life...

So it's been a while since I typed anything. I don't have access to the internet every day right now, though that might be changing soon. I've been living with the rents since being back in Indiana but I'm ready to move out. Once I can secure a job, I'll be moving in with a couple friends in South Bend. WOO HOO!! Since being back in the area, I've been seeing one of my old homeboys from BC and it's been great! We've had a lot of fun...Cedar Point, roller blading at ND, some Halo action, chillin with-tthe families, cook outs with friends, trip (will be trips soon enough) to Chi-town and so on. But on Saturday night, we pretty much decided to just stay friends for now. So the last couple days have been a lil rocky for me because I need to make sure we're okay. But we got to hang out for a lil bit last night and it was wonderful! Best part is that we're hopefully hanging out tonight....I guess we'll see, eh?

I feel like I have been purely discouraging to one friend, which I feel bad about. I guess I just don't want to try in life right now. Ever feel like that? It's the wrong attitude to have, especially since I'm a Christian. Honestly, I am trying, but I know that I'm not doing the best that I can, ya know? Just pray for me guys. I need them sent my way right now.

Well, I sure am beginning to love being back in the area! Kinda disappointing at first as reality clicked in that not as many of my friends are around here as there used to be. But I'm cool with that, I think. I've been hanging out a lot with Stoller since I've been back and I have been having such a GREAT time!! I've learned a lil bit about playing guitar, and we've played some Halo, gone to some movies, roller blading at ND, cook out at a friend's, chillin with the family, a lil soccer action, and other stuff. AND THE SUMMER HAS ONLY JUST BEGUN!!! I'm so excited!! It's going to be a great summer!! At least, I sure hope so! Pretty sure, the jobs are beginning to kick into action and I just hope that they don't take over my life completely and totally....I guess we'll see! Anyway, hope everyone is great! Love you guys!
*heathy*