my mom keeps calling me fat.

i hope she knows what she is getting herself into.
its all for you mom. so you wont be embaressed to take your fat ass balloon daugther places.

dont ask me to go out to eat or shopping... i wont go... ill be to busy working out

to continue on with the blog below...

i think that with change can come alot of things... i guess i just feel like i grew up way too fast..
i starting working full time right after high school, never even gave college a chance. Thats where
i get upset, i let my fear of striking out keep me from playing my game. I sit here and look at all
of my old friends from high school who have moved on to college and the party life, and i am here
working full time, getting up early and going to bed early, never drinking, never smoking like i used to.
I think with this life style comes some sort of compromise. Yes, i do miss my old friends, and the way
my life USED to be, but the life i have now can easily be converted into two seperate lives, I can still
party on the weekends, I can still go to bed early on the weekdays... I guess thats one thing i have to
learn in this crazy world I call life.

i am going to start out by saying that things change so quickly.

i have never taken to change very well... i guess i have always thought that with change came something worse...
i learned thats not always true. In this case, its not. I have changed, changed into a person who has to wake up
to go to work, who travels a long distance to see my boyfriend and frienD. Changed into a person who doesnt
party anymore, who goes to bed @ 10. I cant say i like the person I have changed into, but its the person I sorta
have to be. Not in the sense that if im not this person, something will happen, but in the sense that this person
has no much responsibility on her shoulders. I love my boyfriend and my frienD, but whatever happened to my
saying QUALITY verses QUANTITY? I dont really know either.

denial is key to my life. i have come to believe that in the most. its hard to not deny things any more. my life is full of lies.

its funny how one boy can make or break friendships. one boy can make or break your day, he determines what you wear, if you wear make up or go plain... its so sad really. i am so embaressed to say that he does effect me like this. to be honest i go out there not just to see friends, but to see him. i cant wait till he comes home and i can see his face, or until i wake up in the morning and see him leave for work. sitting there at night with him and the girls have been some of the funnest nights of my life, guitar hero wont be the same if he isnt playing it,chewing tobacoo will never happen with out him there,and the smile on my face is as real as it comes when i am with them.   sometimes i think that i need a life, and then i realize that this is my life, this is my life in full... fulln of drama,heart breaks, love and courage.  and to be honest a lot of times it sucks. but other times i would not have it any other way. i love my friends, i would not trade them for the world. i just wish they all knew the true feelings that lay deep inside me that i hide from everyone, just to make my life some what normal, or as normal as it comes i guess. 

well for now this is it. i have to go smoke and try not to be mad. i guess this is where the pride factor comes into play. ill suck mine up cause i know she wont. its all going down tonight... he will be there, at the party, this is where it is  all gonna happen, make it or break it time, go big or go home. wish me luck.

love, the dearest

Claire