The best thing is that no one I know knows about this.  It's been nearly a year since I've written.  And I just need someplace private to think about how much everything's changed (and maybe if something comes out of this that's not so specific and cruel, then maybe I'll post it somewhere where people could actually see but most likely that won't happen).  Because everyone's changed, and it really scares me.  It's like when you walk up the stairs without looking and think there's one more step and you step for it, but it's not there, and it throws you off balance completely.

I have a boyfriend.  How the fuck did that happen?  I've never had a boyfriend.  Supposedly he's in love with me.  Isn't that odd?  Because I keep finding flaws with myself.  And also because I'm not sure if I'm in love with him.  Which is really quite horrible.  I mean, I know I love him.  (I love all of my friends.)  But I just don't know if I'm in love with him.  But he makes me feel so nice, and I love making out in his basement, and I'm not quite sure how I'd manage if we broke up.  And I still get a bit of the butterfly feeling in my stomach, and I love talking to him, and I love when he says he loves me, and I love when he gets slightly jealous (he won't say it but I can tell) for no justified reason, and I love how nervous and awkward he is (just like me).

But I had this dream the other night where I had a crush on another boy (kind of a boy I know in real life, at least . . . in the dream, he was the same boy, but upon waking, it was obvious to me that he acted quite different in the dream than he does in real life) and asked him out.  And it worries me because maybe it's my subconscious trying to tell me something?  But when I woke up, I immediately felt disgusted with myself for even having a dream like that so maybe that counts for something.  And I realized that there were things from the play we're reading in English inserted in the dream so that seems to kind of contradict the theory of any possible subconscious meaning.

I want to get drunk.  Not really drunk.  Just warm and slightly dizzy and slightly blurry and laughing drunk.  But I'm too lazy to actually go out and do that.  And I'm not sure if I even really want to.  It's just these vague urges in the back of my mind.

When it comes to relationships, people are so superficial.  Not superficial really, but . . . completely fucking stupid.  What is it about boys that makes girls fucking crazy?  And what is it about girls that makes boys fucking crazy?  Someone said that a boy only talks to girl if he likes her, and I wondered if it was true and thought that probably it was, and that's pretty sad.  Except that whenever a boy talks to me, I can't help thinking, "Is he interested in me?"  And this was even before I was told that that's the only reason a boy talks to a girl.

I can't make her happy.  And I've seen her once in the past three months or so.  And that was just this past Saturday.  It's weird because she's a great friend and I love her except I can't . . . I don't know what to say to her anymore.  It's not like our conversation is completely riddled with awkward silences; it's more like we don't have conversations in the first place.  Or when we do, we completely ignore important sorts of things.  It makes me really depressed because she's really depressed.  And more so than just that she's depressed, but it's over a boy, some boy I've met only a few times, who she was (is?) in love with (maybe).  And it used to be we would talk about how we were guy-deprived but didn't care so much.  And I can't believe how it seems like I turned around and suddenly that had changed.

Everything's about the drama.  I didn't even realize that until recently.  But it really is.  Which is weird because I thought I was the most overdramatic person ever, but compared to basically everyone else, I'm not.  Everyone else is so busy having dramatic teenage relationships and teenage binges and making stupid decisions and getting in trouble and having crushes on their friends' boyfriends/girlfriends and so on.

I know I shouldn't, but I really do fear change.  Because things can never go back to how they were before, and it really concerns me to realize that something that was at one point so clear and so . . . now . . . isn't anymore.  And all my memories are constantly fading so one day I'll forget this.

And I realized that anyone could die the minute they leave my sight.  The minute I turn my back.  It just could happen anytime.  So how can I trust to let anyone I love out of my sight?

Jason wanted to get back together with me.  I said yes.  And then no.  And then yes again.  And then no again.

I'm so unsure.

I want to sleep forever.

I'm scared Jason will touch me.  I love him.  But being touched still makes my skin crawl and my stomach attempt to make its way up my throat.

Jason broke up with Abby.  I wonder what the problem was.  Not enough sex?

(transcribed from what I wrote in my written journal at 3 am this morning)

I so desperately need someone (someone I love) right right right NOW to ask what's wrong.  And I don't want to be stupid like I usually am and respond with "Nothing, nothing, I'm fine, I'm okay, I swear."  I want to throw my arm around them and just blabber out the million things that feel wrong, and I want to sob instead of hiding and holding back all my cries.  I want to collapse in someone's arms, abandon myself in them, I want them to hold me up and just let me cry on their shoulder and comfort me with exactly the right words.

Lately, I've begun to believe that there are no right words.

But instead I left my bed and went in the bathroom to write this so that there will be less of a chance of my parents coming in and questioning what's wrong.  I don't want them right now.  I want someone I love.  But I don't even know who I love anymore.  I don't know, I just feel so horribly overdramatically desperate.

This can't be right.  I mean, it's just so wrong to cry at least once a week for the majority of your life.  And it's stupid, it's my fault, but I swear I just can't help it.

I'm not even exactly sure what brought this on.  I mean, I knew this in general (the sadness crying frantic writing trying to explain) was coming; I could feel it over the past few days.  But there was no reason for right now.  I should be happy right now.  I mean, Dana called today, and we're still friends and all.  And no one's being mean at all.  And Jason IMed me (but maybe that's it, he hasn't talked to me for so long and then suddenly today?).  If my parents hadn't kicked me off, I'd probably be having a half-decent conversation going on with him right now.

But I think it's him.  I think he's the reason.  I'm so pathetically desperate.  I feel so selfish and spoiled and so on.  Like, people are nice to me because they're nice people and don't want me to get all upset.  And I'm just such a fucking burden on everyone.  I don't blame Jason for not wanting to have to deal with me anymore.  And I'm sure Abby's better for him, for other reasons besides her giving him all the sex he wants.

Being rejected is the worst feeling in the world.  Especially when it's being rejected by someone you really really like.  Someone you like enough so that you basically ignore anyone else you could possibly be interested in and who could possibly be interested in you.  I just wanted him.

And then losing him . . . I just felt like if he's not interested in me anymore, then I might as well hook up with the next guy I cross paths with.  It's like, that's the best I'll be able to get, I'm so fucked up that no one wants me.  And I know that's not it, I'm being stupid.  But I just need SOMEONE (more so now than ever before).  I am so pathetic.  And lonely, that too, I'm really lonely.

Something so fucking simple can bring me down and make me feel bad about myself.  I need constant reassurance from the people that love me or else I start to convince myself that they hate me.  It's surprisingly easy to do.

"Oh, they haven't called you or IMed you lately because they don't want to talk to you.  They purposely look away when they pass you in the hallway.  Don't force them to talk to you when they obviously don't want to.  If they wanted to talk to you, they'd talk to you, in the hallway, over the phone, on IM."

If everyone else is thinking the same way, then no one ever talks to anyone else because they're waiting for the other person to talk to them first so that they'll know for certain they want to talk.

I should tell people that I work this way and that I know it's stupid and I'm trying to change.  I should make an effort.  If I want to talk to someone, I should talk to them.  Why is that so hard?  It's always that fear that they'll respond with, "Um, yeah, I don't want to talk to you anymore, I don't want to spend time with you anymore."  I doubt anyone would ever say that.  But I'm still scared.

Sometimes I'm scared to tell the people I love most, "I love you" because I'm afraid they'll respond with "Oh, I'm sorry . . . but it's just . . . I don't really love you anymore."  And I can just imagine the moment when ithappens, how it'd feel to have that person chip off a little piece of my heart and  take it away with them.  I mean, it's unbearable to think about.  Of course, I force myself to think about it anyway.

That was kind of what happened with Jason.

I wonder if he and Abby exchange "I love you"s.

I want to be dead right now.

No, I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, I'm not crying and watching blood pour from my wrists or lining up pills and downing them one by one.  I'm not preparing a noose or heating up the oven to just too warm for my head.

I just want to be dead.  That's all.