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| i honestly think i'm happy now. i hope this isn't some denial stage of breakup or something. haha. but we'll see. i'm a changed girl. i'm stronger now. thursday was my birthday. went out to dinner. friday i had a party. before my party i went iceskating. it was so much fun. my first time ever going and i only fell twice. haha. i dunno. now i'm exhausted. when i upload pics. i think imma post a few up here laterr. enjoy! [o1.] if you're not living life on the edge,
you're taking up too much room [o2.] Do you know the most surprising thing about heartache? It doesn't actually kill you, Like a bullet to the heart, or a head-on car wreck, it should. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how the in the world you didn't know. [o3.] In some ways, you're pretty lucky. You opened your heart, you put yourself out there, you were ready to make that leap. I'm envious; I wish I knew what that felt like. To find someone who makes you want to swim across the East River in January. [o4.] Forget how he called you beautiful. Forget how
he gave you the butterflies everytime you saw him.
Forget your first kiss.Forget about how everyone
talked about how cute you two were together.
Forget the way he held you tightly in his arms.
Forget everything you loved about him.
Remember how he broke your heart. [o5.] And after a while you learn that you don't need anyone else in order to survive.
No one is ever going to always be there,
no matter what they say or what they promise you.
You just gotta suck it up, accept it
and keep on keepin' on.
-hey Arnold [o6.] The bottom line is, that we never fall for the people we're supposed to. [o7.] There is a goodness in all of this, she says. 'In what?' he replied.
'You will never have to give a reason for why you wouldn't call me, or come around,' she says. 'I never have to grow tired of being abandoned. You live for this, just like I live for you." [08.] so things will never be the same;
and as much as i hate to admit it,
we'll never be the same.
now that i'm mature enough to admit that,
i wish you well in everything you do;
i hope you find someone who can love you right.
all of this feels so final,
you're never coming back to me, are you?
well then, i guess this is goodbye. [o9.] and after all this time,
i only have one thing left to say:
i can't do this anymore - i'm done.
after everything i've been through;
every time that i've gotten my hopes up,
i just keep getting hurt.
and no, i didn't want it to end like this,
but i'm sorry - it just has to.
i can't stay here anymore, it hurts too much. [o10.] I know im not a lot of things you've gone for in the past, I know. but I would never leave you
I would never hurt you, & I would never stop loving you xoxo | | |
| so. just about now i feel miserable. i want to kill myself but i don't want it to die. if that makes sense. like. i don't like feeling this way. i'm sick of it. i wrote this poem a few days after we broke up.. she tried so hard to give him everything she had. but who would've thought her heart would end up this sad. She loved everything about him even if that meant forgetting his flaws and accepting him as him trying hard not to let him fall. the mistake was done. she did it again. Not knowing what she did. scraping more then just skin. it isn't ur fault he told her in reassurance. he just didn't feel the same anymore what tricked her was his appearance. he said she was just a close friend. not knowing it pierced her heart. he was nice about it. he really was. but she shattered. part by part. He'd been hiding it from her. for how long she doens't know. All this time he pretended to love it was just to put up a show. theres so much she wants to say. but she know's it won't change anything. she'll never give her heart away again. its just too much for her to handle the sting. ---- shit. and i thought i've been doing a pretty damn good job holding up but all ii've been doing is running away from all this. why'd it have to end so complicated. why is this harder then it has to be. i get it. he said he didn't feel the same way anymore but didn't want to be a bad friend and break up with me. he promised to always be here for me and that i'd never lose him and he didn't want ot break his promise. so instead he broke my heart. he wanted to wait till i got bored of him. He refused to call it off. "it would be sad" he said. so i had to do it. i broke it off. i can handle that part. i did pretty good holding up. we hung out a few days after because we'd made plans to hang out with his friend before we broke up because his friend doesn' come home often. but then he brought another girl over. and they were alll fucking over each other. this girl that i called a friend that not ten minutes before was telling me he wasn't worth it was all fucking over him. 3 days. we weren't even apart for a week. now he's going to sweetheart dance with her. fuck. why am i so hung up about this =\ | | |
| i've been having a horrible past few weeks. i broke up with my boyfriend..ex boyfriend. we were together for 10 1/2 months. i still love the boy so damn much. but i couldn't stay with him. it'd hurt me too much. [oo1.] And there's that one moment, the one moment when you've figured out how much you've really let go, how much you've grown. It takes you a step back and makes you think. It's that moment when you can't look back, yet you can't seem to look too far into the future. It's that moment when you realize you're living for yourself and no one else. [oo2.] Someone will always catch you when you fall, & it won't always be who you thought it would. The people you think love you most might watch you fall, wait, & then congratulate you when you find your own way back up. This doesn't mean they love you less; they just know that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. [oo3.] I was stuck. I was in this place, inbetween my future and my past and I wasn’t sure which one I wanted more. But I guess it was only natural, you know? To dream of a summer love from long ago, or nights you spent with friends you used to know. These people had long since gone, and part of you wanted them back, and godd, you hated to admit it. That was the funny part. Like admitting you missed people or things or times long ago made you weak or something, but it didn’t. and sometimes I would curl up by my window and stare off into the stars, dreaming of my future, the love and friends I had yet to come. Part of me just wanted to throw myself into the future and the other part wanted me to hurl myself into my past. [oo4.] I liked the days when boys were written down on paper listed on your top 5, instead of you carrying them in your heart. When you would brag about how cool your parents were, instead of talking about how they now ruin your lives. When the only reason you didn't want to get out of bed for school was because you were sleepy, & now it's because each day is a struggle. While hide and seek was the coolest game, instead of guys seeing how many girls they can go out with at one time. When you wished upon birthday candles, and now you wish on a boy who is holding your heart. The days when you were just a kid who still had their innocence, and now you're a teenager who knows everything has changed. [oo5.] Life isn't like the stories we read. We can't
stop when we get bored, we can't go back and
relive some parts, we can't jump ahead and miss
some parts, and we can't switch to a new life. [oo6.] Sometimes it's easier for me to pretend rather than face my feelings. Sometimes it's easier to try and make it alone rather than risk getting hurt again. Sometimes it`s easier to be numb towards certain people so I don't let them get too close. Sometimes I`m scared, but when I act numb towards you it doesn't mean I don't care. it means I care too much. [oo7.] For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin. but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life [oo8.] -"What's the heaviest thing in the world?"
-"A blue whale?"
-"Nope. The heaviest thing."
-"A sky scraper."
-"Nope."
-"A mountain? A mountain range?"
-"Nope."
-"I give up."
-"A secret. A secret is the heaviest thing in the world." [oo9.] You aren't going to be his first, his last, his only. He cared about someone else before you and he will again. But if he cares for you now... what else matters? He's not perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, hold on to him and give him the most you can. He isn't going to recite poetry and he's not going to be thinking about you every moment. But he will give you a part of him he knows you can break. So don't hurt him, don't change him, and don't expect more than he can give you. Don't analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he's gone. [o10.] Love seemed to be something to approach with caution. As if you came across a wrapped box and have no idea what it contains. A bomb, maybe. Or a million dollars. I wasn't even sure what the meaning of the word was. I love chocolate. But love with someone else, an actual person, was another matter. People got hurt doing that. [o11.]The thing about addiction is it never ends. Well, because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high stops feeling good and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don't kick the habit until you hit rock bottom, but how do you know when you're there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting go hurts even worse.
[o12.] don't judge people by how they act when they
know people are watching.
judge them by how they act when
they think people aren't. [o13.] some people are like crystal.
pretty to look at, but you
can see right through them. [o14.] i love the way you look at
me when I say something stupid
it's like you're about to get mad,
but then all of a sudden you smile. [o15.] be kind to everyone.
you may not be able to save a person,
but at least you weren't one
of the people who didn't try. xoxo.
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| haveen't updateed foreverrrr. thought i'd try getting this going again. the past however long has been insanne! ejoy this update =] [oo1.] her self esteem is low.
it seems the pain won't go.
she never feels good enough.
but everyone thinks this girl is tough [oo2.] wounded people are dangerous.
they know they can survive. [oo3.] I'm a slut because I'll wear shorts & a tanktop,
I'm anorexic because I eat as much as I want & don't gain weight,
I'm a bitch because I don't let you push me around,
I'm a liar because I won't tell you everything,
I'm stupid because sometimes I'm wrong,
I'm ugly because my face isn't perfect
I'm a whore because I like boys,
I'm annoying because I'm not chill enough,
I'm a loser because I'm not friends with your group,
I use people because I do what's best for me,
I'm fake because most of the time I'm happy,
I'm weird because I'm not like you,
I'm controlling because I get mad sometimes,
I'm clingy because I like to be around people,
I'm greedy because I like to be satisfied,
I'm naive because I'm younger than you,
I'm conceited because I'm proud of who I am,
I'm rude because my manners aren't perfect,
I'm unappreciative because I don't praise you.
Don't try to tell me who I am because I already know [oo4.] it's that butterflies-in-the-tummy
head rushing - knees trembling
palms sweating. never gonna be
the same kind of thing. & i wouldn't
want to change it for the world.
[oo5.] I love the feeling I get when I'm with you.
The kind of feeling that no matter how hard I try,
I'll never be able to fully describe it.
The kind of feeling, that can only be described,
as indescribable. [oo6.] I wish you knew how much this hurts. But then again, no, I don’t. It would be too embarrassing to have you know that I cry at night, that I wish you were there, that I pretend I’m holding your hand, & that I relate all these sad songs to you [oo7.] I want to be immune to what you`re saying cause you`re hurting me.
I just want to sit here & hate you.
I need to find a way to deal with my pain & anger.
I wish I could make you disappear.
You wanna know what my problem is?
My lips say I hate you.
But my heart whispers I still love you somehow... [oo8.] For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something.
You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head,
so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere.
A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air.
You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to.
Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything. [oo9.] the worst thing in the world is being so sick of life. just so sick of everything. it's even worse when there's no one to turn to, not one shoulder to cry on, no one to promise you "everything will be okay." it's those days when nothing is going right. when you go unnoticed, when you feel so alone.
[o10.] It's hard to think about growing up when you're right in the middle of doing it. It's hard to know what you want. Sometimes there are so many voices in your head that it's difficult to know which one of them is yours. xoxo | | |
| 275 subbers. going shopping ina bit. i got really tan really fast in two days. i'm as tan as my brother and it took him all summer to get that tan (he doesn't purprosly tan) and it only took me two days to get just as tan. tennis offically starts tommrw. only thing i don't like is getting so dark. i hate being dark. but yea.. 
hm..i dunno. sometimes it really gets to me when he talks to other girls. jealousy? =[. but she's my friend so why would i get jealous he's talking to her? its not like hook up talking its just friends. bleh. makes me mad and sad at the same time cuz i know he can do so much better then me. my "bestfriend" even told me he could. and he's pretty popular with the girls. =[ it just scares me u know?...anyways heres a update. sorry for da wait. 
[oo1.] true love cannot be defined by any means.
it is a cluster of adjectives. it's crazy, passionate,
complicated, painful - but most importantly,
true love is real. it's that feeling of being
inexplicably drawn to another person. love
isn't about finding someone who you can
escape reality with, it's about finding
someone who makes reality worthwhile. [oo2.] The real reason music matters so much
to people is simple; it won't ever let you down [oo3.] I’m the type of girl who will fall for a guy she barely knows; who will listen to a love song & see his face; who will look for him wherever i go. I’m the type of girl who doesn’t get over things easily; Who will beat herself up when someone doesn’t love
her back; Who will cry herself to sleep cause she feels she’s not good enough. But I’m also the type of girl who’s strong; Who can cry her eyes out then forbid them to come back the next morning; Who will blast some old pop song & sing at the top of her lungs cause she feels like it; Who will be no one but herself. [oo4.] It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another & not say anything & still feel content. The young, brash & impatient, must always break the silence. It is a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. [oo5.] it's the loneliest feeling in the world;
to find yourself standing up when
everyone else is sitting down.
to have everyone look at you and say
"what is wrong with her?"
I know what it feels like. walking
down an empty street, listening to the
sounds of your own footsteps.
the shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors
locked against you. & you aren't sure
whether you are walking towards something,
or just walking away. 
[oo6.] That was the problem with having the answers. It's only after you give them the answer, that you realized sometimes it wasn't what people wanted to hear. [oo7.] All I do is fall more in love with him
just because of how he is, but then I
just get so afraid of heartbreak
again.. So I get more scared and
now I'm preparing myself to get hurt,
which is not a good thing. I love him
and I trust him, but I feel like the
harder I'll fall the harder I'll get hurt. I
want to be as close to him as
possible, but I feel like I've given him
all capability in the world to break
my heart. Even if he doesn't, I feel
like I'm waiting for him to. I want that
to change. I want to be able to love
him, no strings attatched. No fear. [oo8.] If you let somebody color your world, you also give them the ability to cover over it in black. [oo9.] When she's built up on so much trust,
shes bound to explode one day. The
rain in her eyes will fall one day;
and she will drown this city. [o10.] It's safe to fall if you just trust the ground that you stand on- I swear I would never let you down. 
xoxo the last quote is my fav. comments yea?! | | |
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