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| not goodbye, but farewellSo basically im a big fat fucking whore.
I drank too much.
I always do.
I ate waaay too much.
I do that more often than not.
I kissed my best friends ex.
And now I think he has some sort of feelings for me.
This is all just going to shit..
My weight has hit the roof. The more I have tried, the more I have failed. This obsession with food is killing me, I try and I try and where have I gotten? No where. I have gained another 2lbs. I restrict myself and then I end up binging and eating everything in sight, even when im not even hungry anymore, I just go insane. And then I have these urges to purge, I want to- I have to do it- I have eaten all this poison and now I must get rid of it from my body..
But I can't do it. I told myself I would never do that. I respect people who can, purging is a horrible thing to have to go through, and I do not want to have to do that each and every day. I want to do things my way, exercise and restrict, do not fuck up, work hard, discipline yourself.
Well, so far all that has proved nothing for me.
I can't post for a few days til I have something good to post, something I can be proud of, something that will make you proud of me, cos right now im so embarrassed, and disappointed in myself. I feel like ive been a failure for all of you guys too.
Im sorry for this rant. Thank you if you took the time to read all of this.
Much love, I promise I will do better.
Stay strong loves.<3
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| you are something the whole world is doingintake;
b= small apple 50
l= veggie soup 60
small slice of brown pumpkin seed bread 60
s= slice of bread no butter 120
d= tba
total so far; 290
My dad is cooking a bbq for everyone which means plenty of fatty meats and salads drenched in mayo.
I'll have none of the above thankyouverymuch.
Want to go for my walk but it looks like it could rain now any second.. :/
edit laters.
love.
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| IT STOPS NOWfood wise, very bad day;
intake;
b= special k 170
l= pear 80
black coffee 0
diet coke 0
hot chocolate w/marshmallows 200 [im guessing]
d= bacon
veggies
one very small potato
BINGE:
toast w/peanut butter
mint dark chocolate
white chocolate
chocolate eggs..
Too much, can't bear to count.
In other news, I got to talk to my bf today for the first time in almost three weeks :) oh it was the nicest thing ever.
Miss his voice and his hugs and his kisses and just everything about him. God, 8 weeks is such a long time.
My friend is having a house party next Wednesday and I really wanna be skinnier by then, but I just don't think I can make a difference in one week. I don't want to set myself unrealistic goals, it just leads to disappointment, and most likely, more binging.
So sick of having family around and being forced to eat. Esp extended family that are staying atm and having so much sweet things and desserts around..
Im thinking; if I eat
a yogurt or piece or fruit for breakfast= 50-80
soup/black coffee ONLY at work= 60 odd for soup, 0 for coffee
dinner= half of whatever's going, no fatty meat, minimum carbs, lots of veggies. 300-400
Max of 540 cals per day. Round off at 600, even 700 wouldn't be so bad.
Min of 40 mins exercise per day.
Drinks to fill up on; black tea, green tea, black coffee, and of course, water.
Im going to do this. Fuck me I am going to do this.
Think thin you beauties.<3
Love this pic cos it reminds me of my bf, he said she looks like me here. I wish I could look like her!
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| "its nausea"intake;
b= pills x 4
non fat yogurt 56
l= veggie soup 70
egg salad s/w 460 YUCK
s= chocolate brownie 200??
d= small portion of chicken stir fry 400
noodles 212
intake so far; 1398
Holy crap, I haven't gone over 1,000 in a long time..
out take;
[x] 10 min walk -44
[x] 4.5 hours work -289
[x] 30 minute brisk walk -114
out take so far; -347
total; 1051
update laters.
stay strong<3
EDIT::
Totally shit day. Im so disgusted with myself. Went for my walk today and my legs were so exhausted, I couldn't even work out properly. I think ive been silly doing too much walking up hills and such without doing enough stretches beforehand. Im hardly what you'd call the working out type, Im still getting used to this.
Im going to devise a new eating plan for myself tonight.
Im not working tomorrow so I may do a fruit fast.
hope you're all doing well.
Think thin!<3
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| going with the Alexa Chung themeSick of talking to people. Sick of drinking. Sick of going out in general really. I need another break from it.
All I really want to do is work exercise and not eat.
And drop drop drop.
Fall off the edge.
Went for a walk today and my legs are seriously killing. I weigh more
now than I did this morning. Which I know is a given, I did eat quite a
lot today..but still.. I need to stop weighing myself, its getting to
me too much. From now on im going to weigh in only once a week. Well,
im going to try anyways..
I always freak out and need to weigh myself at least 5 times a day.
Its bad for me.
I hate my stomach so much, its so huge and gross. I miss my hipbones. I need them back.
Why was it so much easier in college? I dropped like 14lbs in 4-5
months without even trying that hard, it just happened, it was easy.
Now its just getting harder and harder..
I need to be more extreme. I need something to spur me on, right now I feel like a beached whale.
Literally.
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