Stepping Stones

Life is a journey, every decision you make now dictates what your future will end up like. Many times I have questioned how things might have turned out if I had decided to do something else. Where might I be now if I decided to continue dating the very rich, handsome twenty-nine year old when I was nineteen instead of getting scared because? Where would I be if I ended my current relationship years ago? Where might I be if I was more ambitious or selfish? Of course wondering 'what if' never gets anyone anywhere, instead it makes you question yourself. I've always said that every choice you make you make for a reason, and your decision is justified at the time. Sure, you may feel you've made the wrong choice; but, it is inevitably the choice you wanted to make. That is why more recently I have begun making choices that I feel will make me a happier person. For one I feel I have a good chance at a successful future. I took my LSATs a week ago, and still waiting anxiously for my results. I have begun working out to be healthier and feel more confident about myself. I have also begun to hang out with my friends more, because they are essentially the people who make me happier.

There are a lot of bigger steps coming at me within the next few months, and each step I take will bring me closer to where I want to be. Each step I take is hopefully a step in the right direction.

R.I.P.

October 29, 1989 - January 31, 2008

18 years strong.

I'll always love you and I miss you so much.

Workout

Archive: 26 December 2007

I've been having the strangest dreams since I came to Germany. Every night I get two or three that are just so vivid that I'm not sure if they were just a dream when I wake up. Two nights ago I had a retelling of the Jungle Book, just more gruesome than the Disney version we all grew up on. Last night, which is what inspired me to write this, was about being able to go back in time and thus changing my future by changing events that had taken place -- much like the butterfly effect. Each time I went back, everything in my future drastically changed (or rather my present), and each time I went back again because I didn't like how things had turned out. In one such situation, my ex and his current boyfriend had broken up due to financial problems -- my ex having racked up millions of dollars in debt. Me having great respect for their relationship, I couldn't have them both being miserable and went back into the past again. Inevitably, I came to the last "future" that I dreamt about. In this won, I was waiting in a classroom, standing along the wall. There were several people in the room I did not recognize, and several others who I did. As I was waiting, a guy came into the room and walked up to me and started to talk to me. I felt distant to him at first in the dream, because I honestly had no idea who he was. Yet I felt comfortable around him, as though I really did know him. He was tall & had dark shaggy hair. Having realized that I should know him, since I had changed my past, even though I didn't know him at all, I started talking back with him. He told me about his classes, although I cannot remember the subject matter of them, but I remember thinking he was smart. I could tell something with him was different just by the way he looked at me, it made me feel comfortable. His eyes were caring. There was a connection between the two of us, and I knew immediately then that I was in love with him. I felt ecstatic. My stomach had butterflies. I felt how I think love should feel, something I've apparently only been able to feel in my dreams. This guy, who I knew I knew, was the same guy I had dreams of before -- the same guy who when I'm dreaming of him I don't want to wake up. And still it happened to me again. I woke up only wishing to be asleep again. To be able to remember him fully. To be with him and be in love. And yet, it was just a dream. Whether or not he exists or not, I don't know. Maybe the choices that I've made have led me down a path away from not him, but the person I want to be with. Why do I yearn for sleep so I can spend more time with him. Why after getting to this future did I not go back again -- why was I so sure that this future was the best choice?

I know partially it is because I'm miserable in my relationship. I love him, just not how much I think I should. The two of us would be great friends, I just don't know how to take a step back and go in that direction. .

I have no attraction towards him -- why do I keep going on and on? Why am I letting myself be miserable? I need to do things this year to better myself. I think it's time to be a little selfish and stop worrying about everyone else all the time.