thirdchance's Xanga

To be happy, that's the goal.

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 23:58:35 GMT

I've heard quite often lately that it's just very easy for me to jump from relationship to relationship. Possibly it's something about me and my character, or maybe it has to do with an attraction on a physical level. I've always thought that it's important to be happy outside of a relationship before you consider being in one. I just don't think that you should spend so much time being miserable waiting for Mr. Right to come along in order for you to be happy again. What happened twenty years from now if you still haven't met him -- you look back on a life you didn't enjoy because of a incessant need to be with someone who hadn't come into your life yet. There's so much opportunity for happiness in your life that doesn't involve someone else being there on an relationship level. You can have friends who you spend your time with, do things you enjoy doing, and spend your life being 100% happy. So yes, I would like to believe that I've been able to meet people in my life because I spend so much of my time living it instead of sitting at home waiting. I would like to believe that I'm happy because of my attitude on life. I just hope people out there understand that as far as they know, they have just one life, and until Mr. Right comes along, they should spend it being happy.

First Date

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 04:01:21 GMT

Things just could not have gone any better...

The Final Talk

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 00:12:21 GMT

So tonight I finally told him that I really just wanted to be friends, and was not looking to date him in the future. I feel like an ass, because I know I've really hurt him. How do you tell someone you really care about that you don't want to be with them, and not feel guilty about it? He honestly has been a very caring guy, it's just every now and then when he gets angry it really gets to me. I just couldn't take it forever. I really wanted to do something for myself, and be selfish for once. I wanted to be happy. Is your happiness really worth someone else's sadness? Should I continue to be unhappy instead of making him feel so much pain?

Truth

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 08:29:45 GMT

It's been all of maybe three-four days now since my relationship with my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend dissolved, and I'm still confused on what to do. Part of me wants to be back intothe relationship, because I'm scared for him and don't want him to fall. When we began dating three years ago, he was a complete mess. He was suffering financially and wasn't able to take care of himself (although at the time he didn't know). After having moved in with me, he's managed to pay off all of his bills and find himself a steady job, as well as begin going to school full-time. I'm very proud of his accomplishments, and i see how far along he has come. I'm just afraid though, that without the guidance he has been given here, that things for him will fail again. I really want him to do well in his life, and continue to succeed. He's a very caring guy who deserves to be happy. I just don't think I can continue to make him happy while I'm unhappy in the relationship. And in all honesty, I wasn't completely miserable. I do love him, just not in the way that I think I should. I just feel that I don't want to settle down with him, because I don't think I'd be happy forever. I want to get more experience from life, and although he has been great to me more recently, I don't think my feelings on this have changed. I'm just scared for him, and for as long as I live I'm going to value his friendship, because in the long run he's one of my best friends.

The Next Step

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 22:59:45 GMT

So I told him that I don't think I want to be with him in the future, which is why I don't want to plan 'us' in the future. It's not a complete breakup, but I think it's better for me to get my thoughts out of my head. Maybe things between us might get better, or we'll both see that together we don't mesh. I don't know what the future holds, I just know it's time for me to stop feeling like I do in the inside. I feel slightly relieved, but also hurt at the same time. I don't really know what to do next...

...J&K Forever

Sat, 24 May 2008 21:53:25 GMT

So yeah, I know I keep saying how unhappy I am in my relationship. And really I intend to do something about it. Before this, I never understood what it meant when people said, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." I genuinely understand what it's like to be in that situation, and I'm just too afraid to end it. Not only because I'm not sure where I'll go next, but also because I don't know where he'll go next. I really do care about him, and I want him to be in a relationship where he and the other guy are madly in love with each other (instead of the one we're in where it seems as if neither of us are), but I'm afraid of him being hurt again in future relationships. I will be another three year relationship that ended for him; whereas he is my first long-term relationship. I really do care for him, and I do consider him one of my best friends -- but is that what love is?

I just think I need to see if there could be more. If being truly in love is when your heart skips a beat every time you see him, or are always thinking about him instead of the comfortable feeling I've been living with for the past three years. Does what we see in movies actually exist, or am I really just chasing after something that doesn't. Is it when you're truly in love that no one else seems like a possibility, and you don't want to date anyone else. Is it wrong that I meet people I want to date, but feeling guilty for wanting to be with someone else more than who I am with? I just think that when I do find it, I won't ever want anyone else. I shouldn't have crushes on other people. I shouldn't think about another guy more than him.

So yes, I do plan to do something about this. I definitely want to finally get this all out of my head so I can start my life again. I realized today that have stopped plans for my future because I'm so afraid to plan it knowing I don't want him in it as my boyfriend/husband. How do you make plans with someone you don't want in them? How can I plan to go to law school with him wanting to move with me when in reality I don't want him there? This is definitely a step in the right direction for me, and maybe I'll be able to get myself back on track.

Stepping Stones

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 20:07:33 GMT

Life is a journey, every decision you make now dictates what your future will end up like. Many times I have questioned how things might have turned out if I had decided to do something else. Where might I be now if I decided to continue dating the very rich, handsome twenty-nine year old when I was nineteen instead of getting scared because? Where would I be if I ended my current relationship years ago? Where might I be if I was more ambitious or selfish? Of course wondering 'what if' never gets anyone anywhere, instead it makes you question yourself. I've always said that every choice you make you make for a reason, and your decision is justified at the time. Sure, you may feel you've made the wrong choice; but, it is inevitably the choice you wanted to make. That is why more recently I have begun making choices that I feel will make me a happier person. For one I feel I have a good chance at a successful future. I took my LSATs a week ago, and still waiting anxiously for my results. I have begun working out to be healthier and feel more confident about myself. I have also begun to hang out with my friends more, because they are essentially the people who make me happier.

There are a lot of bigger steps coming at me within the next few months, and each step I take will bring me closer to where I want to be. Each step I take is hopefully a step in the right direction.

R.I.P.

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 08:00:49 GMT

October 29, 1989 - January 31, 2008

18 years strong.

I'll always love you and I miss you so much.

Workout

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 15:24:27 GMT

So I've officially started to work out yesterday. I'm on my way to better health. I ran for thirteen minutes (I need more practice at this before I can run longer). I also worked out my arms, which are very sore today. I'm going to continue to do this and monitor myself. I need to make sure I keep on top of it this year. So every month I'm going to keep a guide of my weight, how much I can bench press, how long I can run, etc. Here's to a healthier life. :)

Friday, January 11, 2008

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 15:15:21 GMT

Archive: 26 December 2007

I've been having the strangest dreams since I came to Germany. Every night I get two or three that are just so vivid that I'm not sure if they were just a dream when I wake up. Two nights ago I had a retelling of the Jungle Book, just more gruesome than the Disney version we all grew up on. Last night, which is what inspired me to write this, was about being able to go back in time and thus changing my future by changing events that had taken place -- much like the butterfly effect. Each time I went back, everything in my future drastically changed (or rather my present), and each time I went back again because I didn't like how things had turned out. In one such situation, my ex and his current boyfriend had broken up due to financial problems -- my ex having racked up millions of dollars in debt. Me having great respect for their relationship, I couldn't have them both being miserable and went back into the past again. Inevitably, I came to the last "future" that I dreamt about. In this won, I was waiting in a classroom, standing along the wall. There were several people in the room I did not recognize, and several others who I did. As I was waiting, a guy came into the room and walked up to me and started to talk to me. I felt distant to him at first in the dream, because I honestly had no idea who he was. Yet I felt comfortable around him, as though I really did know him. He was tall & had dark shaggy hair. Having realized that I should know him, since I had changed my past, even though I didn't know him at all, I started talking back with him. He told me about his classes, although I cannot remember the subject matter of them, but I remember thinking he was smart. I could tell something with him was different just by the way he looked at me, it made me feel comfortable. His eyes were caring. There was a connection between the two of us, and I knew immediately then that I was in love with him. I felt ecstatic. My stomach had butterflies. I felt how I think love should feel, something I've apparently only been able to feel in my dreams. This guy, who I knew I knew, was the same guy I had dreams of before -- the same guy who when I'm dreaming of him I don't want to wake up. And still it happened to me again. I woke up only wishing to be asleep again. To be able to remember him fully. To be with him and be in love. And yet, it was just a dream. Whether or not he exists or not, I don't know. Maybe the choices that I've made have led me down a path away from not him, but the person I want to be with. Why do I yearn for sleep so I can spend more time with him. Why after getting to this future did I not go back again -- why was I so sure that this future was the best choice?

I know partially it is because I'm miserable in my relationship. I love him, just not how much I think I should. The two of us would be great friends, I just don't know how to take a step back and go in that direction. .