i wasn't going to blog because i can't dig in deep enough to find the emotions that i usually blog about. but then i started imagining things in my head.. and reminiscing.. and so many feelings came rushing back. i don't know how to explain honestly. i mean.. i always just believed and trusted my heart that you bring this sort of happiness without me even knowing. it just happens. my mood changes.. and everything alters.

but i realized it just 2 minutes ago as i thought about your xanga. since i wanted to blog but not in mine.. i thought of maybe writing in yours like you told me to. but then i remembered how you said to not be surprised if there are other blogs from someone else. and reality snap SNAPPED ME! there's still someone else. and then.. you telling me to blog for you reminded me of the times before we fell apart. when i felt so spoiled because you always wrote about me and talked about me. we talked 24-7 and nothing could beat that feeling of hearing your voice on the other end of the line. and then i remembered.. how there was that one person who thought... it's all infatuation because love doesn't act the way you do. and then... i flash back to the future. and i'm here again. and i realize i'm still here. i still feel the same. and when i hear you say "hello" when you call.. i still get that feeling. i guess the happiness you brought before.. you still bring. and well iknow this explanation is quite hard to understand. most people would probably be wondering.. okay her point is you make her happy! so why am i still blabbering? because it's this incredible feeling totally impossible for me to completely and thoroughly depict or explain. omgah. i don't know. i just know.. remembering the times when i was still "that person" or trying to imagine how it would be if i still were right now.. being the only person.... it just... clears everything from my head. all the things i think about... how to deal.. what to do.... what to say... what's right... what's gonna happen... it all goes away when my imagination strikes and i'm that girl again. it's weird. being in that place makes me.... in my happiest place. (sigh) my happy place.. i found my happy place.

what makes you happy? peace world.

me and fallon were talking about something so important today.. being true to yourself. sometimes we force ourselves to believe and think one thing.. but you can't deny that you don't feel that way. and there's really something else there. but by the time you see it.. it's too late. you've gone too deep into the one person you pretended to be. you just can't bring back time.

sometimes i just don't understand. but i know for sure now... that everything right now is all a lie. everything. you. me. everyone else. it's all made up of lies. and anything that has a lie as a foundation... doesn't last. this... this pain... this crazy, heart-breaking period is going to die out. and what's been in our hearts is still gonna be left. everything else is gonna be drained.. and the truth that we tried hiding... tried pretending we didn't see... will be so clear. lies don't last forever and i know because i've seen the lies fade and the truth revealed. a sad thing really. but that's why you have to be true to your heart and to yourself. otherwise you end up hurting yourself all along.. even when you thought you were happy.

goodnight and goodbye, world.

i'm still confused. i think i'm making progress though. today was weird. at some points of the day.. i was this bright person. someone who was going to act like i have been for the past 2 weeks. "i'm okay" that's what i wanted to do. but then.. there were parts of me that just wanted to keep having hope.. but that part of me knew that if i kept on believing and waiting in front of you... i would never have it. i would just hurt myself. and then other times.. my mentality was "stop thinking about the fact that i don't have you. start thinking about how good it will be when i do have you". i don't know which one i really am right now.. but i think i could be a little bit of all. i know for sure that i AM waiting.. just not in an obvious way. in my heart i am. corny.. but it's true. i may not show it.. i may pretend i'm moving on by talking to other people.. trying to find other people.. but deep down we both know what i mean to happen. i guess that's my hope. knowing that we both believe we're gonna be back together. it's hard to believe sometimes cuz i compare myself to the other girls u've said that to. and u tell me i'm different.. but how different am i? i'm in the same situation they all were in. and you told me.. you implied to me that thing.. that thing about breaking up with her for me. but you didn't really say it at the same time. i'm not so sure. i guess i can't keep hanging on to the past.. even if it just happened yesterday. i have to forget your kiss and the way you held my hand. i have to forget the things you told me.. even though you weren't supposed to say it. i have to forget all of that. and look forward to the future instead. it's just not fair anymore. all the songs play at the same time. and i break down crying. but i won't be weak like i used to. i hope you're happy. this is what you wanted and i won't take it away from you. if you throw it out and try to take me back like yesterday.. then that's simply you're decision and more bluntly.. you're problem.

i think this week will be one of the hardest weeks to get through. but i won't look in that direction. and even if "our" songs play like hot on the radio.. i'll just singalong and get past what it means.

Dear Lord I need your help again.  please, help me to love my neighbors. to stop looking in what people have done wrong, but rejoicing in what is true. please Lord. i need your help. i can't do this alone. i want to change. Amen.

still loving you..

and today you came from glendale.. to reseda just to come pick me up. i'm so confused. thursday we acted like we were together again....... but you weren't with her. and so i expected today to be different. and i would have respected that. but.. i'm so confused cuz today it didn't even seem like you had a girlfriend. we did things that only couples do. and you tell me that i'm still technically your girlfriend. and we act like it. and that... "i broke up with her for you before.. what's different about this situation now?" honestly i don't know what's different. but don't tell me that if you're just going to mess around with me and not plan to work it out. it's not fair to either of us. yo tell the both of us the same things. yesterday a friend told me that i forgive so readily. and i do. i've already forgiven you. but what are you gonna do about the mess you made? leave it. or fix it?

this might be the worst weekend of my life.

.ouyevolllitsi don't you ever forget it.

i've learned a lot in the past month.. once again. it's quite cool how much you can learn by stepping outside of yourself and analyzing what you're doing and saying. so my "good life" didn't last very long. well the "good life" i was talking about in my last blog. things happen and you gotta deal, right? right. it was hard at first.. and i thought i wouldn't be able to get over it. but i am. i'm okay. i have respect for myself.. and you, as my friend. after all, that's what you wanted. to be friends. and i'm giving that to you. it's frustrating at times to think that i'm the last resort.. but i've learned to stop complaining cuz i realize i don't care. and i'll be fine. life goes on. i don't know what else to say. yes i'm hurt but i'm stronger too. this makes me questions just how much i'm wiling to work things out again. it kind of sucks.. cuz i truly believe things will stay this way.. one cuz i WILL end up like another person and two.. cuz i'm not so sure i could just drop everything and let you get away with what you did to me. but then again.. real love would never hold a grudge.. but forgive. but then AGAIN.. it's not about love.. but respect for myself, so i won't get hurt again. i don't know. only time will tell. but as for now.. you're gone and i'm moving on.

I LOVE MY TALL WHITE MK!! haha. UHHHHH! i think camille is GORGEOUS. [big crush]

i still love you.