alone again

after a week solid of being surrounded by people i love that care about me

i am sitting here alone in my room

again

all of my roommates went out to go meet up with their friends and talk about how fun their break was

and me?

not

i have never before felt so alone in the world

for once studying isnt going distract me from reality

i dont have time for the things i love to do

because i spend so much time studying to distract myself that i have absolutely no friends

break was near miserable when i was around my family because all i had to do was lie about how much fun i am having and all the friends i am making and the things we do together

yeah

new low for me

so here i sit

only 2 more weeks then i can be home and happy for 3 solid weeks

after that?

more of this

sitting alone in my room making excuses as to why i am going to sleep so early or why i am doing my laundry on a friday night or why i am working on homework saturday night

this was the one place where i knew i would belong

and i have never felt so out of place in my life

maybe this isnt where i should be..........

please if anyone out there actually reads this

keep it to yourself

life is hard enough for me right now as it is, i really dont want people going around talking about how sad i am and how dissapointed i am with my school

please

never before......

it's been a tough week

i am starting to realize maybe this isnt the place for me

i dont like the people

i dont like the parties

i love the campus and the classes

but is it really worth dealing with stupid people and miserable nights?

i am not a party person

and i hate the look they give me when i say i just want to stay in and do homework on a friday night

there is nothing wrong with that!

i have shit to do!

unlike them i came here to learn! not to party!

i dont know.....

hopefully next year will be better living alone in an apartment

they wont judge me like they do now if i am not around....

i dont know why....

but today i was looking through myspaces

and fell upon one i was quite familiar with

but am no longer

i looked at pictures, listened to music, read things

bad idea

it wasnt the pictures, which usually get me

it was the combination of the music playing with what i was reading

threw me through a fucking loop

i never thought i would miss that part of me

i mean, i dont

i am happy now, i love my new friends, i love my old friends, i love my new life, i love my old life

but.... that.... it was like a different person

i dont even know that girl anymore, let alone that boy

i realized how different i am

i am no longer the queen of my group, i dont have that support that i had before, i am not thought of in the same way, i am not cared of in that way, i dont even speak to those people

again, dont get me wrong, i absolutely love everything

but i just cant get over the fact that everything is so different

it is quite upsetting to me

but.... life must go on... that is just how it is...

i just wish i didnt leave it in the way i did

but i know that it isnt what it used to be

i would never go back to how it is now

i just wish everyone and everything could just change and work out for the better

just growing pains i guess

i am not going to try again

trying the first time to make things better was clearly a mistake

whatever

i am over it, it is not worth trying to make him happy anymore

i have more important people to love

i thought this would make me feel better

Would​ it be hard to kiss the last perso​n you kisse​d?​​​​​?​
i would quite enjoy it

Your best frien​d of the oppos​ite sex likes​ you, what do you do??
sorry?

When is the last time you were in a photo​ booth​ takin​g pictu​res with frien​ds?​​​​​?​
ummmm a good while ago

Have you ever seen someo​ne you knew & purpo​sely avoid​ed them?​​​​​?​
yeah, sometimes you just dont want to see people

Do you have a frien​d of the oppos​ite sex who you can tell anyth​ing to??
yes, i have a few

Who'​s the last girl you talke​d on the phone​ with?​?​
jaq

Who is the last girl you talke​d to in perso​n?​​​​​?​
amie

Do you go to churc​h?​​​​​?​
no, not my deal

If you were black​,​​ what would​ you do??
i would most likely be the exact same as i am now

Who'​​​​​s the last perso​n you had a deep conve​rsati​on with?​​​​​?​
massis

Who was the last perso​n you cried​ in front​ of??
mike, it's been while tho

Have you ever regre​tted letti​ng someo​ne go??
yes, but not in the sense of a break up, i have regreted losing people in my life

Do you enjoy​ pierc​ings & tatto​os?​​​​​?​
very much so

Do you belie​ve there​ are circu​mstan​ces when cheat​ing is OK?
there are circumstances for everything, so yes


What do you do befor​e you go to sleep​?​​​​​?​
 think about what is going on in my life at the moment

What type of the oppos​ite sex do you mostl​y appea​l​ to??
i go for completely random guys, i love a bandie non-bro type, i like tattooed metal heads, i like artistic poets, it is more that i like being around unique people than appealing to a certain type.

If someo​ne liked​ you right​ now, would​ you want them to tell you?​?​
what they think of me, honestly, i like being told the truth

Do you prefe​r to showe​r at night​ ​or in the morni​ng?​​​​​?​
it depends on my schedule

Did anyon​e witne​ss your last kiss?​​​​?​
maybe? it was in front of my dorm, so probably

Do you want to pleas​e every​one?​​​​​?​
yes i do, i enjoy it though

Have you heard​ a song that remin​ds you of someo​ne today​?​​​​​?​
many

Do you like your name?​​​​​?​
no, but that's okay

Did you speak​ to your fathe​r today​?​​​​​?​
.unfortunately

How many month​s until​ your birth​day?​​​​​?​
9 months

Would​ you ever date your numbe​r three​?​​​​​?​
as much as i love kaitlin, no.

Where​ is the perso​n you want most?​​​​​?​
on his way to see me  

What was on your mind mostl​y today​?​​​​​?​
my friends, my mom, redlands, my past, my dreams, mike, what i want to do, what i shouldn't do... it was quite a complicated day

When was the last time you were on the phone​ after​ 2 AM??
yesterday

Have you ever been calle​d a "​bitch​"​​?​?​​​​​
yes

Do you belie​ve your ex think​s about​ you?​?​
i really wish i could tell you, but i am too scared to find out 

Tell me about​ the shirt​ you'​​​​​re weari​ng.​.​.
it is just a plain blue t-shirt.


What are you curre​ntly heari​ng?​​​​​?​
whatever amie is playing.

When were you last outsi​de?​​​​​?​
an hour ago 

Who is someo​ne you wish you could​ fix thing​s with?​​​​​?​
michael torres, unfortunately i do not think it will be possible any time soon

Are you curre​ntly frust​rated​ with a boy/​​​​​girl?​​​​​?​
yes, but i am more indifferent than frustrated

Do you toss & turn for hours​ at night​ or fall right​ to sleep​?​​​​​?​
it depends on the night, sometimes i pass out, sometimes i stay awake

When is the last time you talke​d to number one on your top frien​ds?​​​​​
about an hour ago
Are you weari​ng short​s?​​​​​
pants 

Do you remem​ber what you were like a year ago?​?​
i was ambitious and busy, caught up in everything i was doing, not trying to make things work

Is there​ a guy that knows​ every​thing​ or mostl​y every​thing​ about​ you?​?​
a few

Have you ever wante​d someo​ne you can'​​​​t have?​​​​
yes

Want someo​ne back in your life?​​​​?​
yes, a few actually

new beginnings

so i am finally settled in up here in santa barbara

i am absolutley in love with this school

i am on the 10th floor of my dorm facing the ocean, so i have an incredible view of the beach

my floor is the womyns floor, meaning no boys! which is super nice for me

the girls on my floor are super fun and nice and are always down for an adventure

my roommate is super chill as are my suitemates

the dorm itself is much much much much bigger than i expected

i thought i way overpacked and i still have 2 empty drawers in my cabinet

though my dorm is like a mile or so away from campus, the bike ride isnt that bad

it is quite a nice work out to and from campus every day

plus occasionally taking the stairs

plus the amazing pool and fitness room in the dorm basement

plus the super nice running path down to the beach

i am in heaven

:]

i wandered around campus today

read by the lagoon

got amazing healty food

chilled in my dorm

i am absolutely in love with this school

all of my anxiety is gone

i start classes thursday

i am excited

but nurvous because my chem teacher, despite being super nice and brilliant, is pretty tough

and also having an art history teacher that got his doctorate at harvard

kinda scary

but so freaking cool

i am loving santa barbara

everyone is welcome to come visit whenever they like!!