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this_time__imperfect
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Name: jes
Country: Kyrgyzstan
Birthday: 2/9/1982
Gender: Female
Interests: you, dancing, singing the sorrow, ice cream, giraffes, the sudan
Expertise: i wish i had something to give you
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
10/25/2004
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| again and again these words come to mind: "i cannot leave here, i
cannot stay; forever haunted, more than afraid; asphyxiate on words I
would say; I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue; There are no
flowers, no, not this time; There will be no angels gracing teh lines,
just these stark words I find; I'd show a smile but I'm too weak; I'd
share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me"
i want to say bleepety bleepety bleep. honestly, gosh, though,
now that i sit down to write i feel like i have nothing to say, but
this dialogue going on inside will never turn off any other time.
ramblrambleblahblahblah. i have suchsuch hate, ewww, i know that
is not a good descriptive word . . . hmmm . . . maybe a better word is
loath. i loathe myself. so much. it burns
sometimes. i am so lonely. so tired. so lonely but
not ready to give to others. never ready to trust others.
never ready to . . . anything. i really am stuck in a big ole
rut, and i can't seem to get out enough, maybe i don't really want to
get out, maybe i just want to hate life because then i always have a
built in excuse to why life turned out like crap. because that is
what life is, someone is always going to let you down, always
disappoint you, but actually that would even be a welcome relief right
now, if i actually had someone that close that could actually touch my
inner core. i'm cold. oh so cold. i didn't accomplish my
goals this week, and i have to face that. what is my freaking,
effing problem. seriously. argghhh, i just feel like
throwing it all up, up up and out of my whole body. but it won't
come out, something is down there grabbing and suffocating it to death,
to die. that is always what i long for. well, maybe not
really death (because, goodness, who even knows what that is), but an
end. i want to end this type of life because it sucks and in my
eyes right now is definitely not worth the struggle. i know i
know. i shouldn't be talking like this, i am taking my meds, and
i am honest and real with therapy, and i did just (well, a month ago)
finish being outpatient, but there are times, increasingly now and
then, decreasingly others, but it is always there. this thing we
call life, and love? what the crap is that. 'God's love has
no limits.' God, really, honestly, not right now, can't believe
right now. maybe a being, but GOD? someone who loves and is
all powerful and all knowing and caring . . . no no no no.
nowhere i can see or feel. i'm bad because of this, beat myself
up because of this. i need to let myself believe in what i want,
i need need need to get out of here. maybe that's running away,
but right now it's the only way i see some type of life for me right
now. 'i'm going nowhere tonight'
'i'd show a smile but i'm too weak, i'd share with you could i only speak, just how much this hurts me.'
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| hello,
long long time. time to say hello. just to let you
know. i saw dar last weekend at university of michigan and it was
beautiful. girlyman opened, but dar rocked the world away.
and now i want to live in ann arbor, imagine that, getting out of grand
rapids, that would be oh so wonderful. it hasn't been the best
last couple of months. they have actually really sucked, spending
more time in outpatient, more intensive therapy. yuck yuck yuck.
but i did finish with that and i have been consistently showing up to
work which is always good. it's getting colder, inside and
out. but i'm alive and i guess i just have to choose that
everyday. i actually heard from three friends the past couple of
days, so maybe my social life will get back up somewhere. or
maybe i'll make one. or not, and remain isolated and alone.
like the world. yeah, i saw five people you meet in heaven due to
my sister-in-law's recommendation and i totally have a different
philosophy on life. don't see how we are all so connected in
life. seems pretty cut off and dispersed in my view. oh so
so.
'the most difficult lie I have ever contended with is this: Life is a astory about me."--Donald Miller in Blue Like Jazz
"ask me not where I live, or what I like to eat . . .
ask me what I am living for, and what I think is keeping me from living fully for that . . . "
--Thomas Merton
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| okay okay, doing so much better these past few days. yippee. sorry to anyone who read and got a little disturbed about my last entry. i've been working, and having a good all time with my parents gone and the house to myself. reading reading. and i don't have anything profound to say so . . . .
Dar Williams Lyrics
Farewell To The Old Me
How can I ask love to hold the mystery
When just look at me
It's all push and pull collateral
I don't want to be the one who gets the next surprise
I'll plan it out this time
Though I used to think that things were meant to be
So farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
My life is working better now
It's always changing anyhow
I danced a lot of nights until the grass was wet
It wasn't over yet
'Round 'bout 3 a.m. you made a friend
And I followed a lot of vital crazy thoughts
Because it's where the meaning was
And I tried to find it every other way
So farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
My life is getting better now
But always changing anyhow
But I can turn on the charm
Show them nothing more
Than what I've done before
It's nothing much new
But it'll do
'Cause I don't wanna be the one who makes you laugh out loud
I wanna make you proud
And you always said you knew what I could be
So farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
My life is working better now
But always changing anyhow
Time
And the old me
Farewell to the old me
Farewell... | | |
| I cannot leave here, I cannot stay
Forever haunted, more than afraid
Asphyxiate on words I would say
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue
There are no flowers, no, not this time
There'll be no angels gracing the lines, just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile but I'm too weak
I'd share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me
it's been awhile since i did a public entry thing . . . thought i would give it a try. again. a lot of things on my mind. i saw a new psychiatrist, monday of last week, and he really said some things that have made me think . . . things i really don't want to think about. first off, he was wondernig about ptsd (post-traumatic stress disorder) because a lot of my symptoms fit into the three categories of this disorder. i can see that, but at the same time i'm not sure that's what happened to me in life has actually been worthy of going through something as drastic as ptsd. i mean goodness, i havn't been in a war or witnessed massive disasters. i don't know i don't know. and then for the first time in my life, ever, i talked with my therapist about what actually did happen to me. it was really really hard. and i'm definitely not going to get into the details here, publicly, but i just felt so sick and like throwing up and ashamed and just plain shitty. i just wanted to ball and ball . . . and i havn't cried in like forever. i mean really cried. oftentimes my eyes just randomly start to water and tear when i'm in the middle of a conversation, and i guess that illustrates that there are a lot of feelings there. somewhere. then also, on his report he gave me a g.a.f. (global assesment of functioning, like how capable you are to go about life and handle life) of 50. that kinda disgusted me because i know the gaf scores of some people in the group home that i work in and they are even higher than fifty. i mean not many of them, but at least some of them are. that made me mad, and i looked in my psych book, describing this score, and it reads: 'serious symptoms (e.g. suicidal ideation, severe obsessional rituals, frequent shoplifiting) OR any serious impairment in social, occupational or school functioning (e.g., no friends, unable to keep a job).' argghhh, i'll be honest, in some ways it made me furious, other ways it made me feel a little validated. like maybe this thing isn't all in my head and maybe there really is a reason why i'm on meds (which i really havn't been takign much these past couple weeks) and seeing this therapist person. other than this, he also diagnosed me as having a personality disorder, something i've never really thought about before, i mean, i remember when studying it i did relate to it a lot, but you know how that goes. yeah, so apparently it seems to him like i have avoidant personality disorder. furthermore, kinda for the first time we talked about how i probably had seperation anxiety disorder when i was young. again, something i never really thought of before. some of it yeah. others of it, it seems like he took one symptom, that has to do with my g.a.d. (generalized anxiety disorder), and applied it to something completely different. actually interesting note, ptsd actually is an anxiety disorder, so it would make sense that i have a lot of the same symptoms because i believe i do have an anxiety disorder. like before, i was also given the diagnosis major depressive disorder with dysthymia and stuff. i know i know, he's a psychiatrist and therefore loves to put labels on people and diagnose and all that stuff. really really really mixed feelings on all of this. not sure where this is going to go. don't really want to take my meds anymore at all. i'm mean i've really had things. things have gotten worse this past month, and i really was good about taking those meds before, but now . . . yuck yuck. i've had it. i've had it. i don't want this anymore. but i'm not sure i want the other. i'm not sure i want to be happy again. frankly, i'm terrified of it. and then i want to turn goth, and hurt myself again, and go get messed up physically as well as mentally. but then the other part of me is like NO. just fake it all. plaster that smile on your face. go about life in a bubble, because that's really the only way to stand sometimes this thing people call living. i guess that kinda illustrates my time last night. i went dancing, something i havn't done in a really long time because i have been punishing myself, and also because i laugh when i'm at dance. something i don't feel worthy of doing. worthy, bahhh, how stupid and senseless is that. who is worthy? anyways, so i went anyways, after much debate, and wow, put on a whole show the entire night. did i have somewhat of a good time? yes, and i did laugh sometimes because i really felt like laughing. but at the same time i felt guilty about laughing because it is so opposite to what i normally feel. inside. so sometimes faking it really does help, like i did laugh for real, and wasn't that full of anxiety because i acted all extraverted and silly and all. but afterwards i felt pretty yuck. disecting everythign i said and did. i did get in a couple good dances, though, because both casey and dan were there. yeah, it had been forever since i'd danced with casey, so that was fun. but he left early:( because he wasn't feeling well, and i never get to see him anymore so i was kinda disappointed because i can let out a side of me not many people see when i'm around him.
bah again, i love it because i'm sure no one is still reading this thingy heehee.
i talked a little bit about community with amanda, and i really see how much i need it again. i've really really cut myself off from my friends. and in some ways i don't care. i'm like, hey, i can live without them. but i do think the truth is i need them. and i need to reach out. even though it's really really hard for me to do, especially when i have no energy to do anything. so i thought about going back to madison, or finding some other church and getting plugged in. kinda a weird place to turn when i'm so questioning the churhc and God and everything, but i really really don't know where else to turn. when i just work and eat and sleep there's no opportunity to find friends and create for yourself a community. that's something i've always been jealous about my siblings for. they've all had these groups that they always did things with. like people who knew them and knew eachother and they are all this happy family thing. going on spring break together. getting into clubs and groups together. i've never, absolutely never had this. the friends i have are often individual. like half of them don't even know the others exist. and often my hobbies and interests don't often correspond that well with them. so we don't go and hang or do things that often. just talk or drink coffee. that's something i would really like to see changed. i guess i really do need this community thing as much as i would like to think of myself able to live without others and not wanting to put major energy into relationships when i know there is a good chance of being hurt sometime.
anyways, you know what, i think i've babbled enough, and not gotten really anywhere, so i think i'll stop now. | | |
| 'If you can't be Shakespeare of Beethoven or Gladstone, what difference
does it make if you exist? Yes, you take up space, you have
books, clothes, you touch another person's flesh, and traces of your
life, like a creature's spoor, can be found everywhere, but what
difference does it make? Is there not an essential sadness in the
idiosyncrasy and mediocrity of other people? People are
unredeemable in some way--that is, they are never fully as expressive
as we want, never fully ours. Instead, they are cut off, closed,
timid, ignorant, too proud to make themselves known to us. Yet
there they are at the next moment, vibrantly there as flesh, and
sometimes as spirit. The currents of dismay and relief wash back
and forth.'
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