im doing somthing i swore id never do but im doing it anyways and id like to see someone try and stop me. im going to rcite song lyrics and make everyone guess what the hells wrong with me. WARNING EXPLICIT MATERIAL MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER 17..................... except blair.

"check it out dog... this game is a motha fuckin trip man, word on the streets, everybody always tryin to run up on me holla'n my word on the streets, this nigga said this, this nigga said........man i dont give a fuck what that nigga said....thats whats wrong with you niggas, just like bitches, ho ass niggas talk to motha fuckin much, stay to your own get your own, nya im sayin.... be independent nigga.............biatch.......bitch niggas" 

                                                                    snoop dogg

"ive come to my senses, that ive become senseless, i could give you lessons on how to ruin your friendships, and every last conviction, ive smoked them all away, and ive drank my frustrations down the drain out of the way, and so i sit and wait and wonder, did anyone else feel like me, someone so tired of their routines, and disappearing self esteems, but ill sing along yeah with every emergency, just sing along that im the king of catastrophies, im so far gone that deep down inside i think its fine by me, that im my own worst enemy."

                                                                   less than jake

"he wakes up saturday and he wonders when the rain will end, and she laughs like she dont care cuz the worlds just a game the he plays yeah, im super im  nothing im noone going nowhere fast but i dont care"

                                                                     catch 22

"hello six pack of confidence, its been so many nights since we first met, im glad to see you've brought all your friends for another night of plastic cup politics, hell mr six pack of confidence, im glad to see youve already met, miss twelve OZ. of lonliness , and mr plastic cup politics. and i see you are under the influence, of the warm beer and the comfort of all your friends, and i see mr loudmouth has had his 40 oz. and will pass out, i have no doubt, its just another night of plastic cup politics."

                                                                 less than jake :( again):

An ability to reason with the worries in our lives
An ability we'd recognized
How many times, would composition turn into confession?
Building a foundation for our youth to grow into progression
Making our days, free-will reside, we say!
Now you know things ain't right

And the pressure that you're granted from this life
And forever you had wondered what's in store
'Til you stand up and not take it anymore!
Doubted about the things you do
And de?ant of your scattered mental institute
No second guessing when it's already past
Denying that it wouldn't last
Here's to the days, here's to the nights
Throughout the years, how many nights? Here's to the daze that paved the way!

   authority zero for blair (she and only she knows where thats coming from)

well look out for me ill be sitting at my desk with a gun in my hand wearin a bullet proof vest sayin my my my how the time does fly when you know youre going to die by the end of the night

confused yet? one more bitches................

right or wrong the main critereon is what you do and not what you say, the roads you take, the friends you make, and those you throw away, the method is a simple synthesis of the past and present state, you'll never lose if the path you chose is one you can easily navigate, i had a dream, light and care free, but now theres doubt, and gravity, but i wont run in place, with this human rat race, i can accept the pace and accept my dream, shattered faith, a part of me i cant erase

wow its been a while.........

let me start off by saying i havnt slept all night and im typing this because i needed someone to talk to and there was nobody around.

the summer is over and i dont know what to do. my campaign for anti-drug use was suddenly halted by a bong hit that lasted several months. i am antidrug, just not in all forms. as some of you may know i have graduated from high school since my last entry, and to tell you the truth, i miss the hell out of it. i loved being surrounded by people who knew my name, not because they had to, but because they wanted to. now that nobody wants to, im stuck. i think i mainly just miss the schedule, the main routine of my day has been ripped from my hands without anyone asking me.

i have a job now..........buy rite liquor.........great place to work. the people are friendly and the customers are cool, mostly beer geeks with no life outside the bottle. i find myself wondering what these people do with their lives. i wonder about the man who brings his daughter or kids into the store so he can buy beer, and probably go home and beat those kids. or the indian man who spent half an hour looking for one bottle of wine that he wasnt going to drink for 20 years. why? why do people do the things that they do? is there some unchangeable course that we stride on unknowingly that cannot be changed? and if so, why are we chosen to walk this path, are we chosen? or is it all just random like chaos? i think i might have ADD.

whatever. im doing better than i was a few months ago. my girlfriend and i are having sex like rabbits these days. i find myself growing more and more attracted to her every single day, and i hope she feels the same. after 10 months of being with her, and most of my friends telling me i will get tired of her eventually, i see that our love is growing. we are becoming more comfortable with eachother. i want her more and more, i want to explore her body in ways that no man has done before, nor have i done to anyone myself. she is a beautiful invention of nature in which i would rather die than be without. i love her.

i need money. but i know that if i had money i would just spend it on pot. i need a personal piggy bank that is not within 500 yards of my reach, because i know, if i were near my money i would spend it. im hopeless.

well guys good talk and ill update real soon.......... promise

hi everybody.

today hasnt been a very good day for me. yesterday was 4/20 and i smoked some pot, relaxed, got a threatening visit from a former "friend", and now im a dead man.

i quit smoking pot yesterday. see, i realized a few things about my life today;

1) most of the friends i have are based around a central hobby, getting high. once i quit smoking pot i wonder how many of these friends im going to have left? i figure this will be the toughest part about quitting, because i love my friends, even the ones who havn't been all that good to me over the past few years, i still love the fact that i was accepted by a rather large group of people who all had the same thing in common, pot, music, and some common mental problems (probably all having to due with pot smoking).

2) i can attribute most of my mental illnesses to the fact that i have been smoking pot since i was in the 6th grade. doing any kind of drug can bring forth new illnesses in those with mental defects to begin with( a little well known fact that i just discovered). i have been fucking myself up for half of my life, and to this day, i still cannot tell you why i thought i needed it so much.

3) asthma, bronchitis, emphazima, do i really have to say more? i've already gotten asthma from smoking pot and cigarettes like a mad man, i got bronchitis because i kept smoking the pot, and if i keep on doing it, i can see myself in bed with and oxygen mask on begging for someone to turn the air back on.

4) (just a really good example as to why im an idiot)  my friend amanda has a boyfriend named john. john was a cokehead for a good 6 years before finally kicking the habit 3 months ago. like most druggies, john started out smoking pot. at 18, the same age i am right now, john had done more drugs than any of his friends had even thought of at the time, like pot, cocaine, special k, acid, and other random drugs. this has in turn fucked john up permanantly. he has major paranoia problems, always thinking people are trying to screw him over, or hurt him. he's incosiderate, and most of the time i believe he does'nt care about amanda, more so the fact that he's getting laid.

I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THAT!

i love jackie with all of my heart, and if drugs ever came between me and her, which it already has to some degree, then i will never ever do drugs again, its that simple. i dont want to grow up to be just like somebody i hate. and i hate john with an everloving passion.

in conclusion to this factual tale, i've learned somthing about myself over these few days that startled me. instead of making life better for me, and easier to cope with, pot and other drugs, are making me lose touch with reality. i admit, for the most part, losing that realistic touch is the fun part, but when you start to forget just HOW REAL LIFE REALLY IS, then life will can turn out very, very bad for you and those around you.

this is a former apology for all the happiness in my life i am about to share with the world.

im in love........

her name is jackie and she is the most beautiful female i have ever wanted to be with. she makes me laugh and i make her laugh. my only mission in the day is see that glowing smile she gives me when i step into view. i feel warm all over my body and its all i can do but stop myself from gently kissing her soft lips and remind her everyday that i am completely head over heels in love with this woman.

i have some confessions to make as well. jackie was my first real love. ive never loved another woman as much as i love her. even after 4 months of a relationship with her i can see myself being with her forever.

to be honest my biggest fear in life at this moment is to be without her. she loves me, and not just in a fake puppy love, but in an actual, I LOVE YOU, comes to mind. i cant help but express these feelings and i hope i didnt depress anyone, its just that i cant talk to anyone about this but her and YOU

love you guys, blair youre my god,

jackie you are my love (which means in literal sense, you are also my god)

i hear if you eat too many banannas youll go blind.
its not true, but thats cool,
how do you know its not true?
did you ever eat alot of banannas?
no,
well then shut up.

carrots help you see better.

i hear lots of things,
my doctor tells me im sane though i dont believe him,
neither do any of my friends,
except maybe one,
but ill be killing him in the end anyways,
mainly cuz i hate you,
mindless ramblings on and on,
can you believe i havnt looked up once,
i dont even know what ive written really,
just thinking with my hands,
but isnt that the best part,
hang on,
looking up,
now.

wow im crazy.
maybe i should see a doctor,
or take some writing classes,
or both,
or none,
or stop writing about stupid shit like this,

but i like to write,

and i like to make people read, 

shout out to my homey blair whos probably thinking, goddamn toms a weird fucking kid and then she'll see her name and say, wow i was just thinking that, maybe toms psychic, and then she'll see that and say oh my god and i could keep this up but i wont.

anyways, i like how im making paragraphs now, anyone else like that? im usually better at this in paragraphs, but i dont really care

back to this.