F XANGA!!!  as we have all seen as of late, this is becoming a problem.  SAY IT TO THEIR FACE if you have a problem.  to their face or not at all.  don't be a wimp and hide behind the internet.  yes, i'm doing it now, putting a message up in xanga.  hopefully you will read it and call me a hypocrite or something behind my back or in your xanga, but i would just as soon say this to everyone.  but alas, i will refrain, this is our last day at home and i don't want to rock the boat any more than it already has been for now.  so for now i just wanted to get it out there, in xanga.  what a stupid invention, online journals... really.

we're all friends, let's act like we are, eh?

just caught myself up on xanga again

and email english chris

and sent agnieszka a freaking novel of an email to read in poland

no more words for me

i'm gonna go try to download some ringtones... ^_^

wwwwhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeee for summer!

okay, yeah, you guys rock the taco!  'nuf said.  what could i possibly write about that you weren't there for??  XD

i feel like summer is winding down though... here's my life as i know it:

work and speech final tomorrow, last speech and doing the ed psyc final thursday, friday??, o'dwyer fest saturday, six flags sunday, wisconsin dells with the family mon-thurs, turning in ed psyc final when i get home thurs night, working and big dog eat child friday, dunno about the weekend, working almost full time the next week cuz michelle is on vacation and she's the only one who knows how to really run the office, big dog eat child super party (including rich's band, the kelp) aug 13th, then using the last week of summer without work to pack up for school, and i think i'm going back down to champaign friday the 19th.  ten days later will be my 19th bday... i'll be getting back in shape for the frisbee season... and re-learning how to study and do work.... woah... i am thinking WAAAYYY too far in advance...

as for now, just want to let you all know that i need to have another party thingie at my house so meghan can come!  she wants to see all of you

::sigh::  i think i am experiencing burnout.

seems like every time i get around to xanga these days, it takes me an hour to catch up on the reading.  i'm sorry.

i am so so so sad i missed the michigan weekend.  really.

i don't know how to explain all of this... my dilemma.  or dilemmas.  it's just all ripping me to shreads and i'm not ever really happy anymore.  yeah, i know you don't believe that.  cuz catherine doyle is always happy, right?  yeah... not on the inside.

i'm being pulled in so many different directions.  and i'm supposed to be perfect at everything and with everyone.  at school, at work, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, as a best friend, as a girlfriend, as a person.  i'm supposed to spend time at home. that is the main problem, which only makes all other problems worse.  even when i am home, my family doesn't talk.  so what's the point.  yet my mom gets so mad when i'm not home.  what am i supposed to do, really.  i spent all weekend with them, and especially with nora.  the day we get home, my mom is on my case about how nora and i haven't been running together.  i haven't been running myself!  that's how i'm not a perfect person.  i know what i should be doing.  i know how to exercise, how to eat healthy, how to stay fit and lose my ugly little gut.  i don't do any of it.  i go out for ice cream instead. 

i am fortunate enough to have had a LOT of friends in my day.  i say 'had' because... maybe not that i don't anymore, but almost that i don't want to anymore.  i love you guys.  'you guys' being the crowd i endearingly title 'the beckwiths' in my buddy list.  we are a family.  a better family than my own even.  my sister thinks i'm weird, my mom's a raging bitch, and my dad's a good-for-nothing alcoholic.  sorry, i was off the topic of my family and it came back, it haunts me.  so anyways, the beckwiths.  i'm myself around you, and only with you.  with everyone else, i have to be something i'm not.  especially with meghan's friends.  i mean, they're my friends too, or were.  i feel like they aren't anymore.  i honestly do NOT have a lot of fun with them.  and it bothers me.  i hate that i can't laugh the way i naturally laugh because they'd look at me funny.  but that only causes more of a rift between me and meghan....

i could go on.  and on.  and on.  maybe it's better the rest of this conversation never be voiced...

i'll leave it at this: am i losing my best friend?  this terrifies me. 

crying, done typing.

sorry i only use xanga to whine