I am currently upgrading my site to a new location.  It is incomplete right now, but you can still feel free to bookmark it.  I included links to all my favorite Xangans in the right column, so you can get back.  The previous post is included on the site as well as 2 new ones.  This site is going to be a little more mature and more thought-provoking hopefully than my Xanga one has been.  And as always read with caution.  My opinions may not match yours.

Thanks!

Becca

http://writingimpromptu.wordpress.com

On Busyness: Where Fibromyalgia and I Are At

So, I have been incredibly busy lately.  Life is just full and I am just tired.  How do people do it?  I would love to blame it on my fibromyalgia, and I might still, however I still wonder if I would be able to do it all without this silly disorder.  Let's think back to before I had it...18 hours per semester senior year, oh and student teaching,too.  Plus my boyfriend lived 1.5 hours away and one of us visited the other every weekend.  And I tried to see my friends. Hmm..seems like a lot to me.

Now let's take this year for example.  It has been one year since I was diagnosed with FMS (Fibromyalgia Syndrome).  To start the year off, I felt completely blessed because I could get out of the bed and not fall down because my leg muscles actually worked!  It's a miracle!  A miracle drug anyways.  LOVE this pill.  I might marry it one day.  That might be the one thing to get me to commit, haha. 

Okay, let's see here.  I take naps at least 3 times a week.  I have knots so deep and tight in my body that the rehabilitative massage therapist comments that they are some of the worst she has encountered, including on other FMS patients.  Perfect.  I feel like I don't accomplish 1/3 of what I want to for teaching (although I often find this is a universal teaching problem and not limited to second-year teachers nor those with health problems, which is good news for me personally).  I am not narcoleptic but occasionally find myself so drowsy that I almost fall asleep while driving, run a red light, and have to go to Defensive Driving Class.  Son of a...

On the upside, I can move.  Hey, that is a big improvement from last year at this time.  My sleep is more restorative, although I still need more than I did 2 years ago.  I can teach and play with my kids and even run around with them 4 out of 5 days of the week on average.  I am not well enough, for lack of a better term, at this point to work full-time and go to grad school but I think I will be.  I am not sitting around the house all the time.  Last year I went to maybe one store with Greg before I was completely wiped out from shopping.  Saturday Becky and I shopped for around 5 hours before I needed to rest.  The improvement is so incredible to me from last year at this time to this year at this time.

There are still days I am too stiff to get out of bed in the morning.  There are still days when I am just a warm body in the classroom.  There are still days when I turn down doing something fun and exciting because my body is just too stressed.  But these days no longer rule my life.  They are not everyday and are not encompassing every breath I take and every decision in my life.  Luckily I was born a spontaneous soul so that I can be okay with planning at the last minute, which is what I do mostly now.  I cannot always count on my body to be 100% a week from now.  The worst part is tomorrow I could be so sore I could swear I had been in a boxing ring the previous day, but the best part is I could wake up tomorrow and you'd never know I had this problem.

So, when I think back 2 years ago and see how full my life was compared to now and when I wish that I could be doing more, I try my best to thank God I am able to do anything at all.  It could be worse.  And then I thank him that it is just FMS.  Yes, JUST FMS.  It could be chemo from cancer treatment that gets me down.  It could be HIV or diabetes or MS.  I am fortunate I am not paralyzed or needing a lung transplant.  I try to remember how blessed God has made me.  This time last year I was in a relationship that was toxic for me, and the worst part was I did not even know how much poison there really was in the relationship.  I could be trapped in a loveless marriage right now.  Instead I am surrounded by family and friends who actually care about me and who try to understand even if they sometimes don't.  I am blessed.

I have been busy lately.  Maybe not with 18 hours in school.  Maybe not with 2 jobs and a family at home.  Maybe not with a 80-hour-workweek and a selfish boyfriend.  But my life is full.  It is full of parties and dates, teaching and training, dinners and shopping, travel and friends, writing and creating, reading and yoga, playing with my kids and laughing, praying and listening, lesson plans and assessments, movies and dancing.  I may take naps, but I am no longer having to sleep my entire life away.  I will take naps any day.  I will take it.  It may not be grad school and playing on a soccer team, but it sure beats losing the ability to stand up because of weakness ANY DAMN DAY.

Currently Reading Writing to Change the World By Mary Pipher see related

On My Plans for Contributing to the World

I am a nosy person. I look at people. I watch them. I listen to their conversations when they are loud. I ask questions when it may be none of my business. I want to know. I want to know what people are doing, what they are feeling, what they are arguing about and why. I want to know if they are okay, if they are crazy, having a bad day, silly, or in love. I want to know what their problems are, their dreams, their ideas, their peeves, their personalities. I want to know about people. Therefore, I am nosy.

In The Writer’s Idea Book by Jack Heffron he states that “Getting ideas is sometimes simply a matter of paying attention. Notice what is going on around you- the people and situations, the places and objects. We must practice mindfulness.” Upon reading this I can’t help thinking to myself I am already doing this. I am usually pretty aware of my surroundings. I can tell you if someone is following me in a Target store. I can tell you what everyone looks like in a dark parking lot, although I can argue that this is for safety as a female. As a teacher I am constantly observing. It is almost my job to be nosy in a class of nineteen four-year-olds. I need to eavesdrop on conversations, pick up on new uses of vocabulary words I have introduced, I need to hear if someone is divulging to a friend that their mother hits them when they cry. One of my responsibilities as a teacher is to be nosy. And apparently it is also a trait of a writer.

So to use my nosiness and observational skills towards being a writer, I need to turn my attention and focus to how I can use the information I pick up in the world to my advantage. This is a different focus for me since I am usually nosy for the purpose of helping others or for gathering information on injustices in the world. But then again, why can I not write about helping others and about the injustices in the world?

I picked up a copy of Mary Pipher’s Writing to Change the World. In it she explains that “words are the most powerful tools at our disposal. But wielding words to change the world is not simple. We are living in an age where we are exposed to injustices in countries across the ocean and in neighborhoods we will likely never visit. We want to change and help, but we don’t know how since we are not right there. (This book) is an instruction manual for those who seek to effect social change with nothing but their message and a keyboard.”

This is a great idea. I want to make a difference in the world, and not just a difference, but I want to make a contribution to the world. I want the world to be a better place because I have been here. I want to leave the world better than I found it. I can’t change the entire world. That’s impossible. But maybe, just maybe, I can affect a few people’s minds with my words. Maybe I can get them thinking differently. Maybe I can convince them to take small actions everyday that save lives or even just bring a smile to a person’s face instead of a tear or a look of indifference. As a teacher, I know that if I am able to affect just one child and make one child’s life better, have them make better choices, and give them hope in life, then I have done my job. I have made the world a better place. Now, if I can write and give readers this same effect, then I have made an even greater impact, which is almost unimaginably rewarding and makes my life even more successful and having worth lived.

See, to me, my life is only worth living if I use it to help others. This is my cause. This is the cross I bear on my life- the one I must carry. My burden is heavy because I put so much responsibility on myself to make changes in people’s lives, but I am happy because of it. It makes me happy to help others. It makes me feel satisfied at the end of the day. And the people I want to help are those who are unfortunate- those who don’t have it all together or have all the answers or even have a question in mind to ask. I want to help those who are at a disadvantage; those who are burdened by pain and suffering and poverty and illness and bad choices they’ve made along the way. I want to be able to give them options. Teach them how to make good choices. Educate them and empower them and give them encouragement and strength. I want to convince others that this is a cause to take up; that this huge endeavor is really worth the while. I want to be a “moral agent” through my writing and through my life. I want to shake your beliefs, open your minds, multiply the possibilities, increase your potential, and strengthen your resolve. I want to support those who are not as fortunate as me to have a roof over their heads or to live in a country where I have the freedom of speech and the freedom of expression. I want to be intense and I want you, the reader, to embrace that. And most of all, I want you to understand the plight of the world. See the world as it is, but then look at it again- look at it again as the way it should be. The glass is not half-empty, it is half-full. It is half-full of possibilities. My dream is to fill up the glass to overflowing with infinite possibilities.

I am going to make a difference, a contribution of change for the better. And I will change the world- one human being at a time.

Currently Reading Writing to Change the World By Mary Pipher see related

10 Ways I Am An Idealist

1) I am always on a quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement.

2) I want people to ultimately get along with each other and work together for the good of all.

3) I am highly ethical and hold myself to a strict standard of personal integrity.

4) I have a need to be true to myself and I am hard on myself if I am ever dishonest or insincere.  I feel enourmous guilt.  This is probably what makes me such a bad liar.

5) I believe life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood.

6) I believe in giving of myself to help others.

7) Although I am somewhat jaded, I ultimately believe in soulmates- someone with whom I can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing my deepest feelings and my complex inner world.

8) The spiritual dimension to life, the "not visable" or "not yet", that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to me than the world of material things.

9) I have a strong desire to help others become their best possible selves.  You might remember me saying that my work ethic is basically summed up as "Show me a child and I will show you his potential."  I want the child to realize all the potential he/she has and help him/her become their best self.

10) I chose teaching as my profession because what better profession to allow idealism than encouraging children to succeed?

Taken from the resuts of the Keirsey Temperment Sorter II.  See Idealist Results here.   See Idealist-Teacher results here.  See Provider Guardian here (this is what I hope to be a little of too and strive to put into myself a little more.)

Currently Watching Prozac Nation By Christina Ricci, Jason Biggs, Anne Heche, Michelle Williams, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Jessica Lange, Jesse Moss (II), Nicholas Campbell, Zoe Miller (II), Sheila Paterson, Rob Freeman, Nicole Parker (II), Frida Betrani, Klodyne Rodney, Ian Tracey, Wendy Noel, Bill Marchant, Tom Kent (II), Christine Anton, Cindy Lentol see related

Acceptance is not what we have, nor what we are going towards

It seems to me that the right has gone so far right that they are completely wrong.  I read the Bible and think, "Hmm..wow...there's nothing in here about murdering a murderer or starting wars in the name of God, or a homosexual is less of a human being than a heterosexual."  Quite frankly, I don't feel Jesus in their politics at all. 

I think even evangelicals are starting to come to terms with the fact they gave too much power to the religious right.  They have not only gone overboard, but are trying to pull everyone else over off the boat with them.  They are tired of the Bush administration.  I say that is what you get for electing someone simply because of their religious viewpoints.  The Bush administration seems fundamentalist- rejecting change instead of embracing it.  And the evangelicals are tired of the bad rap.  I am tired of the bad rap.  Because I believe in social justice and intellectualism, I am labeled 'very liberal'.  And everyone is surprised when I come up and say I am Catholic.  How can that be?  I won't say I agree with the Church on every issue- for instance, I believe in birth control because I believe there has to be a sperm and an egg fused together to have life and there is no life until that moment whether you stopped it or God stopped it.  But I do believe that once they fuse, their is life and you cannot take it into your own hands.  It is not your right.  Abortion is murder.  The death penalty is murder.  Murder is wrong.  End of story.  Hmm....that sounds awfully Catholic.  So how can you also believe that Israel may not be who we should be defending and how can you think that the government should not control the media and how can you think that freedom of expression and freedom of religion are right?

It is in my uneducated opinion that people don't think.  That somewhere between the end of their schooling and now they forgot they were intellectuals, people with cognitive functions, and that they did not need other people to make decisions for them or make opinions for them to copy and internalize.  I believe in freedom of religion.  I believe that we should be able to worship how we want, when we want, who we want, and where we want.  I do not believe in extremists, namely fundamentalists or atheists, and I do not believe that they should have the power to control the rest of us, nor should we allow it.  You have the right to not have to say God, but I have the right TO say God.  You have the right to not go to church, I have to right TO go to church.  You have the responsibility to send your child to school and to let them hear about holidays and celebrations and Ramadan and Easter and Pentecost and hear about Buddha, and the Hindu gods and goddesses, and about Islam and Judaism and indigenous religions.  You have the responsibility to teach your children not everyone is like you.  Everyone does.  Taking religion out of school is not the answer.  Putting just Christianity into the schools is not the answer.  It is putting all religions in school that is the answer.  Taking it out does not teach them about diversity and about acceptance, it teaches them conformity, lack of empathy and understanding, confusion, and it denies them a chance to understand how the world works.  America is becoming less cohesive and more isolated and I partially blame it on the fact we are not teaching our people how to be accepting.  Acceptance is not about agreeing with people.  It is about saying well that's where you are and this is where I am and that's okay. 

No one is going to become Christian or Muslim or Hindu or anything unless they want to.  If you teach your children your values in your home, they will have a good foundation for how you would like for them to live.  It is not about teaching them Christian morals, it is about teaching them morals and values period.  What do you take pride in?  What do you think makes a good person good?  What do you hope for, dream about, hold dear to your heart?  Do you think manners are important?  Teach them in your home.  Do you think saving money is a good life lesson?  Give them a piggy bank and the responsibility of handling their own small amount.  Do you think celebrating Christmas is important?  Celebrate it in your home.  Do you think you should pray 5 times daily?  Pray 5 times daily.  Do you think everyone else should just because you do?  Accept they don't and they won't.  Never will everyone agree on everything all the time.  Would you want them to push their religion and values and ideas and opinions on you?  No?  Then don't push it on anyone else.  Don't Bible bash if you don't want someone passing out Korans at the grocery store.  Don't make people stop saying God in the pledge of allegiance if you don't want them to make you stop saying 'liberty for all' in it.  Don't be a hypocrite is all I am saying.

Sometimes we need to step back and just look at what is going on in our country, in our world, in our neighborhoods, in our heads.  War may not be the answer, but neither is a peace rally.  So come up with a more feasible solution if you're going to complain.  Abortion may be murder but so is blowing people up in an abortion clinic and so is the death penalty (and rarely do you ever receive a feeling of justice or peace for killing the person who killed your loved one- just look at studies).  You may have the right to be an Atheist, but I have the right to be a Christian.  And you aren't getting 2 weeks off of school in December for a Winter Break.  You're getting it off because there are holidays.  Want to take Winter Break away from your child too?   I have just as much right to say God in the Pledge of Allegiance as you do not to.  I have just as much right to pray in school as you do not to.  I have just as much right to not agree with you as you do not to agree with me. 

And politics should have nothing to do with religion.  We should not be making judgments on how to run our country based on whether we believe in the same God.  We should be making the judgments based on how intelligent the person is on the issues (both sides of the issues), how much experience the person has, and what changes he/she is wanting to make and if we agree with them.  Not if they worship God or Allah.  If they are looking out for the people and not themselves and their own agendas.  If they are really trying to make the country and world a better place, a safer place, a more accepting place, or if they are trying to separate us.  I feel the most successful accomplishment the Bush administration has made to date is in dividing the country.  He managed to do it even after a very unifying catastrophe.  There is little hope left in us at this point and that makes it a little more controlling than I would like.  Please just stop pushing and just pause for a second to see if pushing is really what will open the door for us.