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| where did it go?it dictated my priorities..
added a soundtrack to the monotonous, catatonic melancholy that drove my bus.
i could always feel it.
always.
i would drink it when i needed to smile.
drown in it when i was trying to cry.
it was my fantasy.
every lyric was written for me, narrating my mole-hill mountains, pointing at me through the mass of idolising fans.
there was so much to savour in each manifestation of true voice.
it would feed my spirit, and i would dance.
i would dance.
i want to remember where the music is.
i want to dance.
| | |
| twistedmy shoulder hurts.
hunched. rolled forward. stiff, sore and uncooperative.
i haven't stopped in so long i'm not sure i remember how.
so full. so full of job, house, life...
but i haven't stopped. i haven't listened or heard, felt or even touched. well, not to the depths that i'm capable of.
all those lessons. all that i know.
clearly i don't.
start with a calm, clear breath...
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| so much to seewandering the streets of barcelona.
so much beauty, so much to do, but all i want to do is share. such a shame he has his school and can't come play with me...
i found the ocean again. it's different to the one i grew up with, i don't feel at home when i stare at it (although it's warmer than norcal, that's for sure!!).
..would be easier if i spoke spanish...
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| joues humidessleep?
you mean close my eyes without the warmth of his skin?
without his soft breath?
no chest to sigh against. no arms around.
all new things to see and no one to share it with...
wanting you
| | |
| tie a yellow ribbongames play around me.
laughing, drinking...
i've shut the door. i 'm supposed to be working. i'm tired. procrastinating. i haven't had the need to draw on that defense in a while.
i've been happy. content. distracted by an awesome job. a boy who can hear me, see me, hold me, give me space and carry me all at the same time *love* and new friends; the joy of finding the joy in others...
then i heard my mum's voice. gentle, smiling, earnest in her insistence that she has no news to share... confused that she can't hear me properly through the skype connection (i have a bad microphone that i had not bothered to get fixed... up until now). she was even more confused when she couldn't find my chat box, as i furiously typed, begging her to stay on the line, even though she couldn't hear me.
She sounded as if she were sitting on the bed right next to me; breathing in to her hot cup of tea, slightly hunched over from the weight of the world...
but she couldn't hear me, and she couldn't find the chat box... and all i could do was cry, as i begged her to tell me a story...and she dropped the connection...
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