Music,

Currently Listening The Prayer Cycle Mercy see related

Prayer

My loving God, grant me the ability to find my true self, to know that i extend beyond a mere reflection of relationships.

If the sins of my brother are my own, then i cry for intervention and your grace.

I want your mercy, I beg forgiveness; but, first, bestow me with the strength to be merciful and to forgive.

Let me know compassion.

If these are not my sins, if these are not my mistakes, if these are not my regrets; then why must i feel like this??

Please, heavenly father, please, help me.

Another year older

"Can you extract me from my plastic fantasy?  I didn't think so but I'm still convincible"

Some thoughts and updates:

I spent part of last night looking over my past entries.  It was fun and heartbreaking at the same time.

The fact that I turn 22 years old this week seems like some bizarre, impossible joke.

I spend my Sunday mornings watching shows on HGTV and longing for a house of my own.

I've realized that between scheduled work things (Big Bend, Gaitlinburg, EXPO), Family (Bazaar, birthdays) concerts (Alanis and Madonna), and holidays that my weekends are pretty much booked solid through the end of the year, with the exception of some weekends in September. 

I have an iPhone, it is basically the greatest thing ever.

I am immensly relieved to not be one of the thousands going back to school this week.  However, I'm also a tiny bit jealous.

I've started judging and measuring things in relation to how they could fit into a hypothetical marriage.  Every woman is a potential mother to my children and every man a potential grooms-man.  This can not be healthy.

Speaking of which, for the first time in my life, I regret not having many any good guy friends.  I've realized my best male friend is probably Tony, from work, which is slightly depressing.  Not because it's because it's him, but because i'm pretty sure i wouldnt be in his top 10 list.

When i say things like that i look crazy.  Thats ok, no one reads this.

Work drives me crazy.  I feel like I am constantly on the edge of really screwing something up.  I am frequently commended for my work and i have no real reason to doubt myself.  However, i frequently feel like I have just been lucky thus far.  For anyone who thinks governemnt work is easy, I ask you to try my job (or any one in my department's section) for a month.  The number of hours I work that I will never get paid for, the holidays and leave that we cant take off and is eventually unable to roll over any longer.  That sucks.

If i could decide where to get it, I would get another tattoo.  Add thT to my list of things I really want but i am too responsible to just get.  Put that right beneath the top of the line laptop, for which i look at lustfully online at least once a week.

My brother is on the fast track to stereotypical white-trash-dom, including sleeping with a married woman and living in a trailer on pasture property.

My sister is starting to grow up, which os something i have a hard time apprecaiting.  "Shes only 13", i know some of the things i did at that age.  Plus shes a cheerleader.

Speaking of which my mother is blatently living vicariously through my sister.

i feel done, i feel raked over coals. You're only triggering your senses.

Church and love, to mix?

It was brought to my attention today that to meet the kind of girl that I want to meet, one that shares my deep love of the church, I'll actually have to go to church.

Of course the idea of going to church with the subconscious desire to meet a girl seems awful to me.

oh silly...

Currently Listening Flavors Of Entanglement By Alanis Morissette see related

It's a bitch to grow up

It’s been ten years of investment
It’s been one foot in and one out
It’s been four days of full of shit
And I feel snuffed out

It’s been 33 years of restraining
Of trying to control this tumult
How I did invest in such fantasy
But my nervous system has won out

I feel done
I feel raked over coals
And all that remains is the case
That it’s a bitch to grow up

I’ve repeated this dance ad nauseam
There’s still something to learn that I’ve not
I totally see this is divine perfection
But my bones don’t feel this perfection

I feel done
I feel raked over coals
And all that remains is the case
That it’s a bitch to grow up

I’ve spent my life hovering above bottom
Thinking I can’t survive what’s below
But I’ve known through the kicking and screaming
That there was no other direction to go

I feel done
I feel raked over coals
And all that remains is the case
That it’s a bitch to grow up