| | okay so like seriously i never thought i could feel so much in one day.
the musical, by the way, was way amazing. lots of smiling and laughing.
i am so happy for you, Cara. When I see you with Eric and you're smiling and having fun it makes me want to smile. Truly. You deserve the best <3
Also watched Bring It On: All or Nothing on tv just now and that was a pretty good movie.
I feel weird, like as if every piece of me wants something different. I've been ecstatic and frustrated and sad and angry and lonely and hopeful and motivated and depressed. Honestly I feel so worn out emotionally. I think this break will be good for me, but I really hope I can enjoy it and not worry about what else is going on with my life.
I am so upset at myself for avoiding the english essay. I'm upset at
myself for wanting so badly to keep things from changing. I am so upset
at Emily for saying that she doesn't want to lose me and then refusing
to be a part of my life. But even more so, I'm angry at myself for wanting her even if she doesn't want me. I'm angry that I don't know what I want from her and I'm angry that even when I am so completely done with her I somehow always come back for more. I'm angry at myself for getting so desperate. I
am angry that I feel like I need someone to keep me going. I just need
everything to stop.
I've been okay when I take things one step at a time. I just have this
tendency to over analyze and go over the whole picture and that is what
is going to kill me one of these days. I realize i've been upset and
frustrated with myself all my life and I hate that. I don't want to be
a miserable wreck no matter what I do or what happens. That's just stupid. I just cause myself to shut
down and everything comes crashing down with it.
I want so much for myself. I want to be independent and confident and inspiring. I want to get good grades and start on varsity and have friends I can always count on. I want to get along with my parents and I want to actually finish the projects I start on. I want so badly to just keep pushing until I get there and still I find myself ruining my own life. I have self destructive and impulsive behavior and everything that has been going on in the past 2 months is just overwhelming me.
Anyway, I hope everyone has a wonderful break. I will be unavailable for the next week (on a cruise). The fastest way to reach me will be to leave me a voicemail on my cell which I will be able to return late Saturday night or early Sunday morning if necessary.
Be happy, be safe. Take care of each other while I'm gone. <3
~Rotem |
| | Posted 3/31/2007 12:28 AM - 1 comments
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