ticklish_whispers's Xanga

the trouble with facebook is that they're all there

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 14:47:54 GMT

I've made more than 3 mistakes. but these are the ones I thought about when reading her Inner World.

You curl up in my arms and I wish the world could just fade away. I want this moment to last forever: with me as your fortress, protecting you from whatever it is that you may face. I’m the one who noticed you needed a friend. I’m the one who gave you space because you needed it (and not because I didn’t notice—like them). I’m the one who found you when you needed it most. I’m the one who pulled you tight in a way that promised that I would never let go.

When I came here tonight, I told myself I was done with this. I’m not one to make a fool of myself, and it’s clear that whatever interest you once had is gone. Today I’m just your friend. That’s what I whispered to you in my mind’s eye. A whisper that never carried.

I missed her so, so badly. I wanted desperately to feel as I once had, with her by my side. I wanted to be in love, and I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel complete. I wanted my other half.

You came to me. You came to me at a time when you were as close to her as I could get. I knew it was wrong. I kept telling myself that soon it would feel right. Soon it would be just like with her. Soon I would feel complete again. But all I did was rip another hole in your shredded heart.

I kissed you and it was wrong. I wanted it to feel oh so right. It felt good. It wasn't worth the universe. And still, I ran my hands down your smooth skin. I lusted for your body, yet I relented at the moment that I could have swept you off your feet. You said I would regret kissing you, but all I regret is not taking all of you. It was wrong before. Now it would only wrong myself. Still, I shouldn’t have any.

so there are a lot of not-fun things in this world...

Tue, 01 May 2007 16:42:53 GMT

but i can't think of something less fun than seeing that your ex's new girlfriend has a facebook and has recently changed her profile picture.

it's all well and good to say that she looked better at homecoming... but that's some good picture she put on her profile.

"i thought you were over this"

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 22:50:33 GMT

yeah, as long as you walk around after a break-up saying "this sucks, i wish it never happened", you can't possibly recover.

but this isn't something you just say "enough" to once and that's it. it's a constant struggle to find your path when you've been on someone else's for so long. it's more about yourself, and learning to separate yourself from someone you once were centered around.

and sometimes life throws you moods that you just can't handle without some help.

i need something to pull me out of this. and everything else that's going on at the same time isn't happening.

i need to pull myself out of this. i need to move in a new direction. i need to try new things and hang out with new people.

and i need to stop pretending like my emotional well-being depends on her, because the most important thing is to stop giving her the power to dictate my life.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 00:28:41 GMT

okay so like seriously i never thought i could feel so much in one day.

the musical, by the way, was way amazing. lots of smiling and laughing.

i am so happy for you, Cara. When I see you with Eric and you're smiling and having fun it makes me want to smile. Truly. You deserve the best <3

Also watched Bring It On: All or Nothing on tv just now and that was a pretty good movie.

I feel weird, like as if every piece of me wants something different. I've been ecstatic and frustrated and sad and angry and lonely and hopeful and motivated and depressed. Honestly I feel so worn out emotionally. I think this break will be good for me, but I really hope I can enjoy it and not worry about what else is going on with my life.

I am so upset at myself for avoiding the english essay. I'm upset at myself for wanting so badly to keep things from changing. I am so upset at Emily for saying that she doesn't want to lose me and then refusing to be a part of my life. But even more so, I'm angry at myself for wanting her even if she doesn't want me. I'm angry that I don't know what I want from her and I'm angry that even when I am so completely done with her I somehow always come back for more. I'm angry at myself for getting so desperate. I am angry that I feel like I need someone to keep me going. I just need everything to stop.

I've been okay when I take things one step at a time. I just have this tendency to over analyze and go over the whole picture and that is what is going to kill me one of these days. I realize i've been upset and frustrated with myself all my life and I hate that. I don't want to be a miserable wreck no matter what I do or what happens. That's just stupid. I just cause myself to shut down and everything comes crashing down with it.

I want so much for myself. I want to be independent and confident and inspiring. I want to get good grades and start on varsity and have friends I can always count on. I want to get along with my parents and I want to actually finish the projects I start on. I want so badly to just keep pushing until I get there and still I find myself ruining my own life. I have self destructive and impulsive behavior and everything that has been going on in the past 2 months is just overwhelming me.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a wonderful break. I will be unavailable for the next week (on a cruise). The fastest way to reach me will be to leave me a voicemail on my cell which I will be able to return late Saturday night or early Sunday morning if necessary.

Be happy, be safe. Take care of each other while I'm gone. <3

~Rotem

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 22:48:48 GMT

so in case anyone is wondering where i disappeared to, i got a facebook.

i'm also getting a new xanga... i just need to come up with a screen name. *hint*i-need-suggestions*hint*

mostly though i feel pretty good right now. i think i finally found something that will change my life around. i've been feeling like all my little success in turning things around have been pointless because i had no center, but i think i just found it. certainly feels that way.

so anyway, i'm tired. call/text the cell <3

~Temmy

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 17:13:22 GMT

so if anyone secretly wants to rock my world but is too nervous too? i'm totally vulnerable right now. come sweep me off my feet.

<3

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 16:56:25 GMT

sunday school today was pretty good.

i dont know why but my apostrophe key isnt working... it keeps opening the find menu.... wtf?

anyway...

i remember having a good conversation with emily last night but i dont remember what it was about. idk, the way things have been lately it was probably in my head.

so we have the cruise coming up in like a week. thats always exciting. but that means i wont get to spend spring break with my friends. well, whatever. theres always a good and bad side to everything.

so can you tell that im lonely again? its happening a lot lately and it kinda sucks. all i want is someone to hold me when i need it. they dont have to be perfect. they dont have to always be around. just, someone who cares. why is it so bad of me to want someone to hide from the world with?

i used to think emily could still be that person but even if she wanted to she wouldnt let herself be. i dont want a girlfriend... just someone to care for me. and i know my friends are there for me. but you know its not the same.

anyway. i have to go call ms. taylor.

later.
<3

~Tem

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Sat, 24 Mar 2007 15:07:25 GMT

I went to see Annie at the hippodrome last night with Risa, Amanda, Orri, Michelle, and Emily. i've never actually been there before, it was pretty fun. i actually got some of the references with Al Capone and the new deal and stuff which was cool. and the second half of the show was really funny.

thursday was a pretty good day. it was kind of sureal. i woke up in the morning and orri was gone. i got to school early and chilled in mrs. ruffing's room. all my classes were pretty empty and i just sort of went through the paces. nothing special.

discussion group was good. we're doing a mind body and soul unit which is pretty relevant to my life currently. last time did a relaxation session and this week we talked about goals and principles and such.

SRnet is going pretty well. we made a basic student object class and i'm working on coding the GUI for the login.

i still not really sure exactly how i feel about emily. i mean we had a decent time last night, but i keep having conflicting emotions. i've felt like my heart is broken and i've felt like i am perfectly happy moving on with my life. i've felt helpless because i wish so badly we could still have fun together and i've felt annoyed at her and wanted to never have to deal with her again. mostly i think what i'm sad about is that i know we'll never have those good times again. i don't know why or how, but no one in my life has ever made me as happy as she did. i have no idea what it is about her but we just had so much fun together when we weren't busy arguing. and even if we could be friends and if i didnt feel betrayed whenever i was around her, i don't think it could ever be as carefree as it used to be. i mean we can't cuddle up and giggle at some random movie. and who wants to giggle with someone that you can't get too close to for fear they'll think it's inappropriate? we'd play handball in the pool and she'd always be defender on me because she could distract me but now that wouldn't be the same. we stayed up late playing with each other's hair and talked about life but we can't do that because she won't sleep over and she won't talk to me about anything we might disagree about. i just feel like she can't be my friend unless she's willing to move past being my ex. and even then i don't know if that's what i would want. life would be so much easier if i could just stop thinking about her.

i wouldn't have to wish i could have one last kiss and i wouldn't have to wonder what she was thinking about. i wouldn't have to wake up every single f'ing night to a dream about her just to realize that whatever opportunity she presented me in the dream, it didn't happen and it's not going to.

i dunno. but then, when do i ever know?

okay so we have ariel's party from 5-10 tonight. i made her this friendship coupon book because we haven't been as close as we used to be since emily and i were going out. anyway tomorrow i have sunday school and emily said we were going to hang out but i think she forgot. so i'll probably chill with nate.

honestly, i think the main problem with emily is that she can't accept imperfection. and it's not a happy life, always looking for perfection. it is great to strive for achievement and to have goals worth fighting for, but to have that be your entire life? to not be able to settle on anything? to not be able to take a breather and just relax? i don't think i've ever seen her do something spontaneous because she is so worried about what other people will think of her. it sucks because i look at her and i think that someday we will realize that being a little short of perfect is okay and i won't be around anymore. honestly i think that's the one reason we never get along.

but i could be wrong. it's all just speculation. and again, when do i ever know anything?

i've noticed lately that i don't feel pretty anymore. and i don't like that. i used to be the most carefree person in the world and i couldn't care less what the general masses thought. certainly i always thought i was beautiful and i never had to look in the mirror and say "maybe tomorrow i'll look a little better". i hate that i've changed so much and that it took me so long to realize it.

but someday soon i'll get it back. my life is far from over, even if sometimes it feels like it. after all, everyone has their life end at 15 just to live to be many years older and to never remember what it was they were so upset about.

at least i have it within me to be happy. and i like to think i get closer to that every day.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 20:42:30 GMT

better day today. actually was pretty decent. i seem to be having these days a lot lately, where I am good in the morning and even in the afternoon, but by the time I get home I'm lonely and am not feeling so hot.

i'm still not feeling bad... just not feeling great.

anyhoo...

so mr. goode = a total jerk.

so yeah, what was with the two random questions from last unit on the chem test?? well anyway i think i did well on that. the math test was pretty easy too.

chilled in french today, just watched kirikou. i wasn't actually paying attention last time we watched it, it's actually a decent movie if you can grow up enough to watch it without looking around to see if anyone else is laughing at the absurdidty of it.

comp sci we were working on exercises. i finished 2 of 4 with virtually no effort. so i'll probably have plenty of free time to chill. i'll probably print out the calculator gui code so i can mess around with gui's for SRnet on bluej in class. we'll see..

physics was okay. i'm totally screwed for the test bc i don't know anything. i'm seriously hoping it's not tomorrow... spent the last half hour of class chilling with kellie and brycen. we were talking about prom and then we got to talking about how emily and i broke up and then we were talking about being bi/ differences between dating guys and girls. haha i should totally ask brycen to set me up with some hot dude.

yeah. anyway..

so just chillin. avoiding work. my english essay (yes, the one that was due on monday) is murdering me. i've got all this internal crap going on and i thought that i could handle the topic since i hate it when i goof on an assignment and just pick something i dont really care about. only that i can't even decide simple things like what is the difference between a best friend and a lover, so how am i supposed to come up with a solid thesis on eugenics?

but that's life for you. well, my life anyway.

i was all jacked up on pain killers for my period and i sent mrs. sunderdick a really embarrassing email. it's not her business if my personal life is jacked up... *sigh* not looking forward to facing her tomorrow.

anyway, so i've been reading 7 habits. again. really hoping to actually get through it this time. but i always feel better when i'm reading it. so as long as i can remember what i'm reading and act on it enough times for it to become second nature, everything else will fall into play.

the most important step is solving the inner conflict. once i put myself in control of my own life, there is nothing that i can't accomplish. and life isn't as overwhelming anymore.

okay so this is weird, my arms are really tired from typing. i don't think that's ever happened to me before. it's probably because they are floating over my desk since i have a weird arrangement here. so yeah, sore arms.

more later.

<3

~Temmy

Monday, March 19, 2007

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 23:08:38 GMT

my life sucks right now.

---------

AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo.

Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you flipping kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX