i can't think.  i'm not letting myself think.  i'm too upset that i'm blocking everything out.  L broke up with me.  A got a brand new car.  J has abandoned me and wants me to make the decision myself to get help with my SI--i'm not at that point and i don't know how to get there.  i'm scared about classes.  i'm trying to help JB since she broke her ankle, but i don't want to smother her and i don't want to ignore her.  i'm still having issues getting over the whole krispy thing.  brandy isn't happy b/c she just broke up with her boyfriend.  i'm already getting upset every time jb talks about how much she's gotten done and what all she has to do.  i have to start planning social events for KY.  new roommate--still trying to get a feel for how she works.  i'm running in circles with the ED thing.  will i ever break the cycle?  what did me and sommer talk about?  taking responsibility for my life.  what am i going to do now since i can't change the past?  how can i be at peace with the fact that i'm not a dancer.  should i tell my mother how i feel?  how can i reach my brother?  how can i show him God's love for him?  i don't know what to do with myself.  i feel like i'm on a roller coaster and am just along for the ride.  i have no control over anything and i am scared to know where my life is heading.  if God has great plans for me, why can't i know what they are?  i need something to guide me.  something stable to hold on to.  just point me in the right direction please.  i guess that's what you call faith.  is pharmacy school what i'm supposed to do?  if it's not, that's too bad, b/c that's what i'm doing and unless you fail me or do something drastic to take me out, God, then you're going to have to work with me there.  i think i have been so hurt by having had dance taken away from me that now i'm too scared to hope for anything.  what if that's taken away from me too?  all kinds of walls are up around me.  i'm scared to hope for anything.  i'm scared to fall in love with someone...

that's all for now

is it possible to believe that God CAN do miracles and heal people and pretty much operate in people's lives but to be scared to believe he WILL??

what if he doesn't?  what will that do to my faith? 

getting past dance

i'm jealous of my mother

angie abandoned me

i'm jealous of catherine.  she's living the life that i wanted.  i'm mad at my mom b/c she didn't help me like catherine's mom did.  did my mom think i couldn't do it?  if not, would i have been ready to hear it?  am i ready to hear it now?  maybe god didn't want me to have to hear it.  well, if i'm not good at dancing, then what am i?  i'm not special.  i'm not good at anything.  sommer once asked me about the things i liked about myself.  soi'm a nice person...sowhat.  so are a lot of other people.  so i'm funny...so what.  so are a lot of other people.  i really want to find that one thing that god made me for that i'm really good at and do it. 

how am i taking responsibility for this?  i was going after what i wanted.  i decided what i wanted to look like.  i decided how i was going to do that. 

i talked to sommer on wednesday.  i told her i didn't think i was anything special.  what does luke see?  why me?  there are so many other really neat people out there.  what's so great about me?  know what her response was?  she told me that i just insulted God's creation.  ouch.  that really hurt.  that's not how i intended it--i realize that i am God's creation and he doesn't make mistakes, but He has made something beautiful (the me i'm supposed to be) and i have messed it up. 

we also decided that i should revisit the whole dance thing.  that perhaps i have some unresolved forgiveness to take care of before i can move past it.  i'm pondering the decisions i made and my role in everything.  the first thing that came to mind was that when i told my mom that i didn't want to go to college and that i wanted to dance, she didn't believe in me.  she didn't support me and to me that meant she didn't believe i could do it.  so as i'm thinking through that, i realize that i have used that to be the victim and to say that my mom should have supported me in whatever i wanted to do.  but, what if she really and truly didn't think i could do it.  i thought...what if i tell her this and she tells me, yeah, i didn't think you could make it as a dancer.  i'm not sure i'm ready to hear that yet.  i kinda like to think it was a possibility and that for reasons outside of my control, i was taken away from it.  what if i hadn't made it?  would i be upset or would i be ok since there would have been closure?  so my mother either thought i couldn't do it or she was trying to protect me from the dancer life because she thought i wouldn't like it if i did make it.  i guess i need to know which it was before i can resolve that.

what decisions did i make in this process?  i was just going after what i wanted.  i might should also tell sommer about catherine.  i'm completely jealous of her.  her mom supported her and let her go up to pennsylvania to train and now she's in the louiseville ballet.  it's all in the connections you make and who you know and the schools you're associated with and catherine's mom helped her make those connections, but i had no way to do that on my own.  so i figured my only chance to do anything would to be asked to be an apprentice in the alabama ballet, so i was going to do everything in my power to get in that.  i decided that i was going to look the part so i started dieting and it just snowballed from there.  i don't feel like i had any decision making to do.  oh yeah, there was one last hope if that alabama ballet didn't work out--the pacific northwest ballet summer--that would have made some good connections and might have opened some other doors, but i didn't make it that far.  that's all for now.  i'm gonna go look for things i've written before.