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| FUCK BEING HEALTHY. Maybe some people can healthy diet and lose
wight, but it just doesn't work for me. It makes me
depressed. Not eating makes me feel like I have control. It
makes me feel somewhat happy, and sane. Its all or nothing, there
is no happy median, I've spent the past 6 months trying to find it and
it isn't there.
I can't go on any longer trying to be healthy and eating like a normal
person becuase I'm gaining weight like crazy. I'M A FUCKING FAT
ASS and I hate myself.
I've never hated myself so much. I can't go on like this
anymore. I need to be thin again. I need to have that
control back in my life.
Starting tomorrow I'm back on a strict liquid fast for 2 weeks. I
have all my diet pills that I have stashed in my closet, and I'm going
to use them all.
I'm so tired of this...I know people always say "oh tomorrow i'm going
to be back on track" but I'm not kidding this time!!!!!
I've never wanted this SO badly. This is my new begining, and I'm never going back.
I was thinking about it today....and this summer will be the 4 year
mark of having this eating disorder. Of course I've had plenty of
ups and downs, but 4 years of EVERY day weighing myself and looking in
the mirror and hating my body... I just need to fucking achieve my goal
already!! I will this time. I'm determined.
Do you know how embarassing it is to be a professional hula dancer and
dance at shows every weekend and wear coconuts and have your fat
jiggling everywhere?!?!?!?!
Do you know how embarassing it is to be the fattest one if you're whole
ballet company and never get any of the solos, just becuase you are not
thin, even though you are one of the best dancers?!?!?!?!
Welcome to my life...
*EDIT** Funny story!!! My little sister, who is 13, said to
me "Summer, are you on a fast?" and I said "Yes" and she goes "I
was trying to be on one too, but then momma gave me a sandwich, and I
have no control"
It was so funny. 
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| I'm sorry for not posting in so long! I've been grounded. I
snuck out to San Fransisco (from San Diego) and I was gone for 2
days...and I'm grounded for another month, but I am able to sneak on
the computer in the middle of the night. If you were wondering, I
went to San Fransisco to see Gavin DeGraw...he is amazing, and worth
the 10 hour drive. He keeps me sane. His music literally
keeps me alive.
Well, I've gained 20 pounds...I can't do this anymore. I can't be
healthy. I'm miserable. I'm depressed every day, and all I
can think about is how much I hate my body. I have to lose weight
again, its the only thing that I have control over. Looking on
the scale and seeing the numbers go down was the only enjoyment I ever
had, and now thats gone, and its driving me insane!! I hate food,
I hate eating, I hate the way eating makes me feel. I hate hating
myself. I hate the way the second food enters my mouth the way it
makes me feel, and how fat I know I will be from eating it. I'm
so sick of it.
I just bought some more green tea pills, and I'm restricting to 300 cals per day.
Me and Gavin. I love him so much, and I'm so thankful for his
amazing music. Seriously, if you haven't heard his music, PLEASE
do yourselves a favor and buy his CD "Chariot" and get the stripped
version. It will soothe your soul. He has been named the
"next billy joel". *sigh* I love him.
I'm happy to be getting back on track. It gives me something to think
about, something to take up my time. When I eating barely
anything and I jog and dance all the time, I feel happy, sane. I
can't wait to have that feeling back again.
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| I feel so unbelievably fat...and that is because I am. I have
gained weight, and it is the WORST feeling..I'm sure you all already
know that. I'm just so discouraged and I don't know what to do
with myself. I hate being a "normal" size. I want to be
tiny. I need to be tiny. Until I want to get better, will I
really get better no matter how much weight I gain back. I'm so
miserable right now, and I hate that I let myself gain some
weight. I'm not going to eat anything tomorrow, or friday, and
I'll eat some veggies on saturday since I have a 5 hour dance rehearsal.
I start my first day at my new job tomorrow and I'm so scared. I
hate first days and I have NO idea what to do and I'm going to make a
fool out of myself. Ugh...I don't know why I get so nervous over
the smallest things.
I love Gavin DeGraw. His music is one of the only thing that gets me through the
day. 
I you girls SO much!!!
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| YAYY!! I fasted yesterday, but I had a turkey sandwich today (150) but thats it, and I'm going to fast again tomorrow.
That was at my tahitian dance competition in Las Vegas...don't mind my
retarded face, I don't know what I was doing. I have another
competition in 3 weeks, and I want to look good for it, I can't have my
stomach jiggling around everywhere. That picture was about 10
pounds ago, and it was SO disgusting, I kno everyone wanted to throw up
watching me. I'm gonna lose another 10 before then.
Ugghhh gotta go! I'll write more later
*edit*
I'm back! I just look some pictures of my fat self....
^^ Bloated from Period...  even though its not really a good excuse, I'm still fat.
^^ I hate how my arm bows, or whatever you call it. I really need to do some push ups and tone my arms.
^^ I want my ribs to show through so badly. And I hate boobs.
Ok, thats all! I <3 you girls and I hope everyone is doing well!
*edit*
I found this on a random site...whoever made this is an idiot. That is Ashley's back in the first picture. haha
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