5/10: Confused about certain person's personality and sexuality - that is so weird OMG. And as truth is hidden behind the ironically and literally glamorous mask (haha), what I found is nothing but lies that are hidden underneath. It'll suck for them to know the truth. *** Dreaming two nights in a row. Damn. *** Happy Mother's Day =) *** 5/9: Crying again. Hai. Why is it haunting me so bad recently? At around 2:30pm I went to take a walk at the Kowloon Park for a bit. It was sunny alright, and the weather was warm. I saw people swimming, I saw kids touring the park, I saw some old men walking, I saw a Philipinno lady reading a book. People are all unrelated and yet related as a community. It was quite peaceful actually. But the chaotic sense of uncontrollability reigns over me. I feel like being chewed bits by bits. What I need is, stop thinking too much. What I want is, a company to sit beside me *probably on the left* and watch all the happenings without saying anything or judging me for who I am. *** Nice evening and dinner with Alice. Some moments of not thinking about what I shouldn't be thinking *** 公司出現左隻狼。。。一隻無頭髮的狼 wa ha ha ha *** 5/8: 又喊 因為﹐覺得﹐D人真系好無禮貌﹐覺得﹐平時拒D態度已經好難頂﹐點解要我就拒﹐細過我就大晒架喇咩 拒話﹐"你知我不嬲都系甘架喇" 我應翻拒﹐得啦﹐明 心諗既系﹐心淡 不嬲都系甘就可以繼續系甘架咩﹐甘我夠不嬲都系甘又得唔得? 醉左﹐就可以上黎訓。Friend? "Aiya其實拒好關心你架"? 系咩 *** I was reading Bertha's xanga a minute ago and started cracking up. She was telling how her PhD-Chinese flatmate, who barely speaks English, came up with the words "'Mass Destruction Weapon," when they played Scattegory - "M" as the letter and "Something you are afraid of" as the category. Then I cracked up. Cos' the first answer that came to my mind was ""M" leaking out from...and dripping down to...or dirtying my..." Damn, that's the difference between PhD and MBA. Last year this time I was still back in the States. We had a scategory game once too. When the letter was "B" and the category was "Movie/TV star," I got nothing but "Bobby Au Yeung." Speaking of being a local Hong Konger with no sense of American-ess. *** Half a year ago when Vico told me about the workshop series he was attending, I was motivated, eager to explore and be explored. Nonetheless when I was still filling up the sign up form, the organizer told me that they could not let me join. We all know the reason, and they think I am not ready to take up new challenge yet. I should wait for another 2-3 years at least. Today Denden was telling me about this same workshop he just started. He said, people who are afraid of looking at the past should attend, because without looking back it'll just haunt you forever. To certain extend, I know that I must look back, but then I guess I can't, at least for now. I started looking back the pictures 2-4 years ago, and they scared me. Each and every piece of picture frightens me. I realized what was not realized back then, but realization hurts. Reality and recognition of reality hurts. Right now even when I am typing all these down, nothing but tears roll down my face, because simply writing about it is painful enough. It is still haunting me in certain way. And I don't like the way I look now. I should be 5lb less. It was the best. I used to think like, liking tasty food is a natural respond, but it's a temptation to uncontrollability. Water, on the other hand, is pure. It's clean. It's tasteless. And now I like eating. Can I be 5lb less? I doubted. Will I be 5lb more? I don't know. I guess the organizer was right, I still need some time. | 
