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tomatoreborn
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Name: Nathan
Gender: Male
Interests: i am interested in all things interesting....
Expertise: spelling things rong...because, thats how i roll.
Occupation: Dragon.... slayer.
Industry: your science teacher.
Message: message me
Member Since:
7/13/2005
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| i dont even know how to use xanga. ive been here too long to know. its like old people. they start like everyone else and figure the world out then get old and cant keep up with everything. then die just as dazed and confused as they came.
ive seriously ran out of room for thought. i have no real goals whatsoever. theres nothing holding me back and im not going anywhere. im ready for change. as i sit here doing nothing. i think i just want to be the best person i can be. im not sure what that means. i want to get things straight and in order and then help everyone else do the same. i dont know why. stability wouldnt do much except raise reasons for being unstable. i want to be as real as i can. i want to help everyone. i want to stop and help people with flats. i want to give my abundance of money to someone who has none. i want to be there for anyone whoever needs anyone to talk to and i want to not feel guilty giving advice. i never want to even think anything perverted. i dont want to be a problem. i want to be happy and silly and not cross any lines. i want to make music. i want to be a role model. i want to be weird and do it because i felt like it at the time and not because i thought someone would say something to me. i want to climb trees and mountains. i want to sleep under the stars. i dont want to watch tv or waste my time on anything. i want to read books. i want to abandon any lingering addiction to caffeine and sodas. i want to be creative. i want to watch sunsets and sunrises. i want to memorize constellations. i want to appreciate people. i want to be able to love and not expect anything in return and not feel down when i dont get any. that ones hard.
i miss people. like always. even people i see all the time. i usually miss those people the most.
mat kearneys newest cd is amazing. if you dont already have it you need to.
blogs are interesting concepts. theres something atractive about it but at the same time why else would i tell anyone anything unless i wanted attention from it. its like making a sign that starts with "here lies secrets about MY life dont read anymore". what if i dont want you to know. why would i have a blog? no i dont want to draw attention to my problems whatsoever. mine usually arent problems though. i cant think clear enough to write a coherent blog when i have problems.
i love. im still kinda working everything out. i miss you. end. | | |
| o gosh, i blinked.
seriously this year is insane. in my book it just started and there has already been 4 months. january, february, march, april. summer is soon and then like two and a half months later im a junior. then two years later im in college. this is ridiculous. maybe ill get married and live in colorado/oregon/washington/anywhere else that has mountains.
kurt vonnegut died. so long sir. november 11, 1922. (i believe). i got a quiz bowl question about cats cradle today. call me jonah. (if you dont know then dont think too hard about it because it wont make sense)
im getting braces soon and i have spacers in. what fun. ill forget about the pain eventually. and ill have straight teeth. but seriously it hurts.
"So before you pack your things and go
There's one last thing that I want you to know
That you can't find happiness
If you won't let go"
i just finished through painted deserts by donald miller. i was on my bed in my warm house when i got to the part about where he talks about him initially wanting things like cars and computers and whatever and then after the trip being delited by a box of frosted flakes. i want to be like that. ill live in a van for a month buying 5 dollars of food a day.
hmm im watching the weather. tennis ball sized hail is quite large. that would suck.
hey i wrote something on xanga. high five? hmm maybe
-Nathan | | |
| im feeling normalish today i guess. i want to yell cuss words at the top of my lungs and then go lay on my bed and read. im so tired and it makes it so easy for me to be apathetic to the extreme. i really do care! but i just have this crazy thought that i know how everything works and in my fictional view of everything, everything ends poorly with everyone dissapointed. everyone dies and me and whoever else go to heaven. and to me it doesnt seem like it matters to much what happens untill that point. those frikin shakespeare stories we have to read where everyone dies! if violent video games can be blamed for teaching kids knowledge than frikin romeo and juliet should be blamed for depression. it shouldnt be but sometimes its hard for me to tell the difference between my life and that. when everythings made to be broken i just want u to know who i am. sorry, i apologize, im not depressed, im having no sucidial or anything thoughts. i dont think my life is going to end or be ruled with tragedy. it just this crazy mind set i live in most of the time. i love relating to things. like when first learn about like ancient philosophies and random religeons. some of them kind of seem crazy far out there and u just think "who on earth could follow or believe that?". but then years later it suddenly clicks and youre like holy shit those people wernt crazy they were just feeling small one day and decided to make some sense of something. i mean to me christianity makes complete sense. and i love it. but its crazy to someone. so i guess were all screwed up and crazy. its going to be interesting who is right. but you have to be absolutely crazy not to believe theres someting behind everything. i can think, run, love, cry, sleep, get pissed off, write music. is that a mistake?! how could that just be by chance?!? i wrote a book with 10,000 ways to stop people from cutting down tress. it was 284 pages long. it sold 100,000 copies. and saved many trees..... i feel like dancing. not like a dance that makes sense or is to music. like a speaking in tounges type of dancing. i love people. or i care about people. i dont know anyone that at some level i dont love. bold. look hey im sorry. im so screwed up that its not even funny. will u forgive me? its getting too late for me to think logically. thank god. but it really is harder to relay thoughts when youre tired. and im no exception to the youre pronoun so i better stop here. i hate when people complain about the world and then never realize theyre part of it. IM PART OF THE PROBLEM. to clear up that irony. but really its amazing how people get stereotyped. i just in genral assume i dont like people at school and i generally assume i like everyone else. its so stupid. if i could get myself to grow up maybe i would like some people. and maybe if i liked some people they would like me. and i could be a beam of sunshine and illuminate the good that lies somewhere in everyone sorry about being so sarcastic and cynical. i really do care. and most of my negative thoughts really do have positive underlying meanings. or thats what i tell myself..... | | |
| There is an unread fortune cookie sitting next to me. its not really sitting its more of lying there waiting for a purpose. i want to read it but im scared it wont be what im wanting to hear. i bet it isnt a fortune at all. if ever start a coffee shop its going to have free fortune cookies and they will actually have fortunes. or maybe famous inspirational quotes. ok im going to read it now. and it reads
"Do something unusual tomorrow"
that unfortunately sucks. what it meant to say was:
"You are open and honest in your philosophy of love"
its vague, but i think i like it better. (http://www.wisdomportal.com/JS/RandomFortunes.html.)
i want to go sailing. i havent done that since summer.
every day in world history we copy notes off of a projector for at least an hour. and yesterday instead of taking conventional notes i thought i would write a poem. so i did. and now i have a one page poem about the decline of the ottoman empire. it rhymes.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
courage to change the things i can, and wisdom always to tell
tell the difference"
life has been a roller coaster lately. kind of, ive made i into a roller coaster. nothing is different than its just what i make of it. too much more and im gonna puke. ive been so dramatic and ive been finding myself taking things for granted and being obsessive about everything else.
ive had an insane amount of lays barbecue chips in the last few days. but now im tired and i need to go to bed.
"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."
-robert frost
but actually my bed is only 52 feet and 3 and a half inches from here.
{so goodnight. i love you. i really do}
nathan. | | |
| I havent gone to bed before 2 in almost a week. It really starts to wear you down. But once again here i am at almost 1 typing my worries away so the whole world can read them and and feel sorry for me. i dont understand why it could be at all comforting to do this but it is and it helps pass the time so here i go.
i was grounded for today, just today.
I hate being grounded, but i do love how creative it makes me. It takes away every time filler that i normally take for granted. I read for an hour and a half today and played guitar for an hour or two then when i got bored of that i looked through old pictures of me when i was in cub scouts back in elementary school. Theres one where im at this nursing home in Celina caroling. In the background there is this 80 year old looking man grabbing himself and smiling ridiculously. Im standing there with my 10 sizes too big uniform on looking retarded. There are 4 other boys arranged in it. The looks on their faces range from pissed off to completely oblivious. I probably hated that day and now looking back its hilarious. Its quite sad and who knows maybe i'll look back at this 5 years from now and be inspired to write a carefree book that denies reality and claims everything to be one big awkward joke. who knows....
"my name is yon yonson
i live in wisconsin
i work in a lumber mill there
the people i meet when i walk down the street
say, whats your name?
i say my nam is yon yonson
i live in wisconsin....."
its 35 degrees outside with windchill and i completely love it. i decided i would go out and stay outside from 11 to 12. So i suited up grabbed my scarf (amazing) and my mp3 player and ventured out into the dark. I turned on Bright eyes hoped some fences and walked around peoples backyards in my neigborhood (not small yards). at about 11:30 it started to sprinkle so i climbed up in to our motor boat and hid under the half of the boat cover that hadnt been ripped off by the wind. It was amazing there. The cover was fluttering in the wind and making that sound u hear at night when youre out camping and your tent is making that amazing fluttering noise. I honestly thought about going to sleep right there, on the worn 15 year old carpet of our boat just so i could sit there and listen to that noise while conor oberst puts me to sleep. I would have had to start a fire though to complete the setting and that was against my best interest and the boats so i abandoned the idea entirely.
No one has moved in my house for an hour and all my neighbors have their christmas lights off. I think its finally time to sleep
if anyone dares to read this. then they should surely leave a comment
hey goodnight. i love you, more than you know
-Nathan
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