wow, its been a while again.well, not too much has happened. i was single for a while but then somthing crucial happened and being me and being as weak as i am when it comes to love, i gave in and took him back.  so yes, for all of you that were wwondering, i am no longer single... unfortionatly.  i fell as thought being single did a lot of good for me but one of the main reasons that i went back out with darrell (besides the fact that i am in love with him) is that people that i hold really close to me were starting to get hurt.. a few in particular.. and i thinkyou can guess who you are... and if not i guess you have changed more than i thought since the time we were five.  to this one person who better know who he is, you are SUCH  a great guy... maybe too great.  i am so used to going out with guys that only want me for my body and not me that i simply don't know how to react.  the poem that  you wrote me was unbelievable (from a talent standpoint as well as it's contents themselves). Darrell is jelous because i have it hanging on my wall.  it still makes me cry and smile at the same time... somthing i haven't been able to do in a long time.  thank you.  please don't take the way that all of this turned out as rejection, its not, its just the best way.  you honestly don't want to go out with me.. i don't know what any of the guys that have asked me out recently would, but i have always wondered that.  i hope that you will  find it within yourself to forgive me for everything that i have done to you and any pain that i may have caused.  i also want to appologize to all of the other guys that will now consider themselves "rejected". the same goes for you guys... you don't really want me.. and if you do you shouldn't.  and by the way for all of you that are thinking to yourselves that he is only going to hurt me, he's not. not this time. he changed.. or is in the process of changing. i really do love him more than any of you will ever believe or want to believe at least and for that fact i intend to stay loyal to him.   i hope you understand. 

                   anyway, tonight i have to work and i am going to be working with andrew. he is getting really serious with dena and i am actually happy about it. i realized just last night when i was sleeping over katie's that it wasn't being with him that i felt that i needed so badly... well, it is what i felt but what was really going on was that i needed to have the thought that i wanted to be with him.  ya see, this is how i figure it.  i rally start to like this guy and i am broken up with darrell and i think that he would be so good for me because he is nothing like darrell and that would probably be good to experience somthing new, but in reality, he was meant to meet dena when i was at the peak of my emotional expedition with him, and then i would fall back down and it would leave me with some dramatic decisions... tell him, or let him go... go back with darrell, or be alone? it is all hard to explain... but the stars had it all setup for me.  andy was meant to make me realize that love that i have for darrell and jsut how serious it is.  but most imoportantly, it made darrell wake up and realize that i needed more and deserved more and if he wasn't willing or able to give it to me, sure as hell someone else would.  i think that him getting hurt then gave him pleanty oftime to think and to realize just how much he truely loves me and just how much he needs me.  well, i  have to go now, but i hope that kinda made sence.  tootles...i love you guys!

hezzo everybody. i know its been a while, but ill catch you up with everything now. ok, here goes.  well, i have been working at Jacki's (my mom's best friend) frozen custard place for about4 or 5 months now and there is this kid andy that works there. we really like each other. we both know it and are willing to face each other about it to some extent, but there is one huge problem that stands above all others thta stops us from taking our relationship to the next level... he is 20 and i am 14. if you think about it, it's only 5 or 6 years, but since i am underage, it is a bit different. i really like him and her is not like the guy that i am dating (which is another issuse because i have been with himm for over a year. about two weeks ago we broke up. i have had a lot of experience with dating and he hasn't had as much and wanted the chance to see what is out there, but on valentines day we just missed each other and i am so week so weak and when he asked me back out i said yes) we were broken up for about three weeks and andy got really excited about it but continud to see the girl he had been seeing off and on.  he was supposed to be leaving for collage in chicago, but right after darrell and i broke up he decided he wanted to stay here and just go to school in philly . he admitted that i played a small role in it, but im not sure how much "a small role" is. i figure that his feelings must actually be pretty mature for me to be any part in that decision because this is the rest of his life and serious. for a 14 yr old girl to influence that, it's can't just be butterflies in his stomach.  he's 20. he's had feelings ofor plenty of other girls and he has mentioned that he is at the point in his life that he soes want to be out in the clubs and stuff like that, but he doesn't want to be looking fo rthe right girl when he's there, he wants to be able to come home and her be there.   the thing that still gets me is to either stay with darrell who i know that i love and could see myself being with for the rest of my ife, or tell him that we need to both see what else is out there. the main complication with this is we are both EXTREAMLY jelous and the thought of another girl lying in the same spot in his bed that i once was, him touching her in the places that he once touched me and knowing that he felt nothing was wrong with it would drive me into absolute madness.  i know  that i would go out alot, but as far as physical intimacy goes... with anyone but him let me tell you that i would be a hard safe to crack.  i know that i love hima nd he knows that he loves me; i know that he loves me and he knows that i love him, but love isn't always enough. i thik that we met to young and now that we both want to date other people, it is for opposing reasons. he wants ass and i want a good, clean time with people that want to prove to me that all the shit he puts me through isn't the way life has to be. someone who is like the guys in the movies. i think that people that are like the people in the movies but are in real life are sick. i don's want to pampered for the rest of my life, i want an equal relationship. i believe it is okay to argue and sometimes even fight, it is okay for a woman to want to pamper the man that she love; even if he doesn't feel the exact same way. you could call me old fashion i guess in some ways, but thats okay. i am really confused. he has a "girlfriend" now, by the way.(andy that is)  i met her, and he couldn't look me in the eye, which im in a way glad because im afraid that if he say the fear and pain in my eyes he would realize that im just some stupid 14 year old. if any of you have any opinions about weather i should just let him go, lie and say that i am happy for him and this girl, tell him ill be okay and never know what would have happened if i had told him how i really felt, what he might have said, just stick to the things that i know and let him goes, tell myself " it swould have been to difficult anyway" and go home to darrell and say i love you every night to him and then think to myself    "is what i feel for him really love, or just comfort in knowing how life is with him?" or do i take my chances of possibly losing darrell forever if i do talk to andy and his feelings are truely the same as mine and we decide that it is worth the risks and to give it a try. i have never felt this way before, especially since i started going out with darrell. in all complete honesty, i haven't even felt and kind of attraction or feelings toward any other guy since i started going out with sarrell and i just forget how to react in these kind of situations. PLEASE let me know what you think. i love you all, tootles. 

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