| | hezzo everybody. i know its been a while, but ill catch you up with everything now. ok, here goes. well, i have been working at Jacki's (my mom's best friend) frozen custard place for about4 or 5 months now and there is this kid andy that works there. we really like each other. we both know it and are willing to face each other about it to some extent, but there is one huge problem that stands above all others thta stops us from taking our relationship to the next level... he is 20 and i am 14. if you think about it, it's only 5 or 6 years, but since i am underage, it is a bit different. i really like him and her is not like the guy that i am dating (which is another issuse because i have been with himm for over a year. about two weeks ago we broke up. i have had a lot of experience with dating and he hasn't had as much and wanted the chance to see what is out there, but on valentines day we just missed each other and i am so week so weak and when he asked me back out i said yes) we were broken up for about three weeks and andy got really excited about it but continud to see the girl he had been seeing off and on. he was supposed to be leaving for collage in chicago, but right after darrell and i broke up he decided he wanted to stay here and just go to school in philly . he admitted that i played a small role in it, but im not sure how much "a small role" is. i figure that his feelings must actually be pretty mature for me to be any part in that decision because this is the rest of his life and serious. for a 14 yr old girl to influence that, it's can't just be butterflies in his stomach. he's 20. he's had feelings ofor plenty of other girls and he has mentioned that he is at the point in his life that he soes want to be out in the clubs and stuff like that, but he doesn't want to be looking fo rthe right girl when he's there, he wants to be able to come home and her be there. the thing that still gets me is to either stay with darrell who i know that i love and could see myself being with for the rest of my ife, or tell him that we need to both see what else is out there. the main complication with this is we are both EXTREAMLY jelous and the thought of another girl lying in the same spot in his bed that i once was, him touching her in the places that he once touched me and knowing that he felt nothing was wrong with it would drive me into absolute madness. i know that i would go out alot, but as far as physical intimacy goes... with anyone but him let me tell you that i would be a hard safe to crack. i know that i love hima nd he knows that he loves me; i know that he loves me and he knows that i love him, but love isn't always enough. i thik that we met to young and now that we both want to date other people, it is for opposing reasons. he wants ass and i want a good, clean time with people that want to prove to me that all the shit he puts me through isn't the way life has to be. someone who is like the guys in the movies. i think that people that are like the people in the movies but are in real life are sick. i don's want to pampered for the rest of my life, i want an equal relationship. i believe it is okay to argue and sometimes even fight, it is okay for a woman to want to pamper the man that she love; even if he doesn't feel the exact same way. you could call me old fashion i guess in some ways, but thats okay. i am really confused. he has a "girlfriend" now, by the way.(andy that is) i met her, and he couldn't look me in the eye, which im in a way glad because im afraid that if he say the fear and pain in my eyes he would realize that im just some stupid 14 year old. if any of you have any opinions about weather i should just let him go, lie and say that i am happy for him and this girl, tell him ill be okay and never know what would have happened if i had told him how i really felt, what he might have said, just stick to the things that i know and let him goes, tell myself " it swould have been to difficult anyway" and go home to darrell and say i love you every night to him and then think to myself "is what i feel for him really love, or just comfort in knowing how life is with him?" or do i take my chances of possibly losing darrell forever if i do talk to andy and his feelings are truely the same as mine and we decide that it is worth the risks and to give it a try. i have never felt this way before, especially since i started going out with darrell. in all complete honesty, i haven't even felt and kind of attraction or feelings toward any other guy since i started going out with sarrell and i just forget how to react in these kind of situations. PLEASE let me know what you think. i love you all, tootles.
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