Right. I really need to get some stuff off my chest because at the moment I’m keeping it all in, and succeeding only at hurting myself, and someone I dearly love. I wish he knew just how hard it is being with someone who keeps himself so protected from anyone, even me. It’s hard because I care so much I want them to confide in me, so I can tell them it will be ok and help them and love them and be there for them when they are hurting. But they, more to the point, he, wont let me in.

            It is frustrating how hard starting a new relationship can be. I can guess I am pretty stubborn and set in my ways having grown up with someone and in a relationship for so long. But that has ended and change is good. But please forgive me for getting frustrated and angry when I don’t understand and feel useless. I can also imagine I am pretty demanding and perhaps I am just high maintenance but I believe some things should just be standard. You are so well suited to closing yourself off to people that any tenderness you have for me is hidden. It is almost as if you are scared to love me. I understand that I really do. You said you don’t even feel that your parents love you. Well I get that. Mine said that they didn’t include me because I spent so much time with matt. Which is why I haven’t been on a family holiday for years and why I feel like I cant tell them anything. They said I didn’t feel like a daughter to them. Which was painful to hear. So I too have issues with love. I have to say I miss certain things. For example I could be doing something and someone would slip their arms around me. I didn’t need to ask. Being poorly and my boyfriend just calling to ask how I was or coming round and not caring how shit looking I was. Just holding me. Sometimes tucking me into bed when I was tired. I miss that tenderness. Something that I feel I don’t get from you. Please understand I don’t say these words to hurt you. Never in a million years would I want to hurt you. I just need you to understand. I haven’t been telling you things lately and you haven’t asked which has hurt. I talk about stress. I have a problem. In fact make that many. Having been abused it is the huuuuuuge foundation for which all pain is based and worsened. I have issues with my family and trust. And yes I self harm. I cut my arms and with my nails so that they either become raw and painful or I do it till they bleed. It gives me control. No can do that to me but me. It is an escape. I also starve myself. Again for control. I have big issues with the way I look. I was taunted for many years for supposedly being fat and that neurosis has never quite left me. I can’t actually deal with my emotions. Having hidden them and suppressed their ability to effect me and the sudden relaisation that they exist has really thrown me. I have panic attacks when I feel threatened. Not just by people but by situations and their ability to make me feel different. A panic attack begins with feeling your heart beating very fast. You feel scared as you can feel it slowing down. You become painfully aware of what you are worrying about and it feels like its attacking you. Your breathing quickens. And your heart beats faster. You start to feel hot and shake. And your throat begins to close as your body struggles with the pace of your breathing and it gets more and more painful but you cant stop it. Your ribs and chest ache so badly as the muscles receive to much oxygen and moving so fast. Your joints seize up and you go deathly cold and pale. Your head throbs and your vision becomes blurry. You are in pain and scared and no-one can help you. You feel like you are choking as your throat closes. In many cases I end up passing out and feeling the pain and the scariness overwhelm me. I had seven on Thursday. Totalling about 6 hours. The feeling when you do come to is awful. You are physically exhausted. You cannot eat or drink because your throat is so painful and any way you lie hurts your chest. You cant eat so your chest which is already still cramped up starts churning and becomes painful. Your eyes throb and every time you try to stand things become blurry. You feel constantly sick. And weak your seized up joints ache and won’t support you so you collapse. You cannot move, eat, or drink. You just lie there in pain. This feeling can last hours. I feel like this most of the time at the moment. I spend my nights alone like this, constantly analysing and worrying over every last thing. You see I also have the inability to make decisions, so scared am I of hurting someone or making the wrong one. Which is why I couldn’t answer your question earlier. This fear haunts my life.

            Depression. It really is a shit. Have you ever felt so down that you physically cannot get up in the mornings? It is scary. Really scary. You cannot be happy. Whatever you do whatever anyone says. Life just feels empty. Anti-depressants are mean. I took just the one tablet and I’ve never been so ill. Two hours later I was sick like 8 times and then I passed out. My legs wouldn’t work properly so I feel down the stairs and had to be supported. I then had the weirdest feeling of being sad and yet I couldn’t feel it. I was just numb, everything was funny. It is singly the worst day. And I felt so poorly for like the next 2-3 days.

            Just to clarify I not saying this looking for sympathy. I’m letting you know how it feels being me. And why things will turn out the way they do. I don’t know what that will be though yet. I just need to know if you can open up to me and let me feel the real you. Because if not then I think you know the answer. Don’t answer one way because you want a certain outcome be honest. Please.

haha im like totally stoopid! i cant even seem to get this sodding thing to post my weblogs. grrrr. lol. well my day. was rather lovely i had lunch with my friend Alice at Starbucks which is slighty surprising considering that it is unusual that we can be arsed to walk down the hill to get there lol. and no im not fat. im like a size 8 which us is a 2-4 i think. in fact if anyone could tell how there sizes work please explain to me. because surely you could be a minus? poor darling she has just been screwed over majorly by a guy who like cheated on his girlfriend to be with her(shame on her but liking a guy that much can do crazy things to your mind) and then he ditched her and now hes sleeping around with people she knows. Guys can be so mean. So i spent my afternoon trying to cheer her up. I hate seeing people sad. It breaks my heart. Especially when they mean so much to you.

Pour example i have fallen for this guy. He is singlely the sweetest most gorgeous and sexy guy ever and he makes so happy. I love him to pieces i really do. Just he worries so much and he kinda sometimes unwilling to see me. I sometimes feel like Im the only one putting in the effort. I mean he complains of being tired but does nothing to tackle it. He was like well its ok you'll ring up and want to see me in a few days anyway. Well that hurt. I have exams and a lot of medical appointments that i need to keep and im finding it hard to keep up with everything especially with work on top. He doesnt seem to get this and that i spend a lot of my time catching on work so i can see him and struggling through things so that i can see him becuase he means so much to me. and quite frankly i don't have the time. but i make it because i love him and i want this to work. and i understand he has issues but so do i and im trying and this isnt me saying he isnt either. just it feels funny. and it worries me that things arent going right. we are very good together but we are like arguing over silly things a lot and we havent been together long. thats nt how i want it to be. i dont want it to be like this and i cant keep worrying over it. it makes me ill. just to explain something i suffer from depression and kinda an eating disorder which im tackling just like at the moment i swear im losing my hair. and actually its funny, lol. but sam if you read this please tell me how i change it. cos it cant keep being like this. it isnt making you or me happy. i love u i do. but this is kinda me saying things need to change and i dont want to lose you but things arent ok. so if u cant talk just post a comment ok.

i have exams (eurgh! i swear teachers do random ones just for a life. the joys of being a teacher you get to make the lives of others shite. revenge for the shit you took at skool! lol!!!!!!!!) well if ne1 fancies a chat or some insight into crazy english life get in touch. Byesy bye xxxx