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| out of the three online things that i have i knew xanga would be the safest to vent. ok, so my whole life i went without a bf, now i have one, and i don't even know if i am happy or not. i mean i keep changing my mind. he's a sweetie, nice, etc but i just don't know sometimes why i am even going out with him.it's sad but i sometimes like not being able to see him all the time we only get to hang out on tuesday nights, and sometimes for a few hours at work. but blah.. i just don't know. i don't want to hurt him, but sometimes it's like if i keep going out that i'm leading him on. i really don't know anymore. my mom doesn't really like him, i mean she does but she and my family and friends say why bother, your going to end up with steve!! but i don't know anymore. then out of knowwhere... a kid from school tells me he likes me. and he keeps saying all these sweet things, and i am like awe.. but no none of my friends like him b/c he has a bad overall rep. and he's a bigg dude, who swears a lot, but i keep seeing a whole nother side to him so i am feeling bad b/c i am talking to him on the side. but i can't just be a bitch to him. i just want to end things with everyone sometimes, so i don't have these kind of problems. i mean it's cute, but why all of the sudden am i attracting males. i just want things to go back to last year when i had my best friend steve. i could tell him everything, and i didn't have to worry about crushes, boyfriends, and all that crap. i dunno, i've wanted to be where i am for so long, but now that i'm here i just want out. the room won't stop spinning and i hate it. i don't know what i want , so i just want to be left alone. i think it's winter depression, but idon't care anymore i just don't
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| oh dang... am i back for reali randomly felt like checking my xanga... with facebook and myspace this just feels weird. i don't write as much as i used too... i think i would be happier if i did, or at most less stressed. so here i am on a fri afternoon messing around on the computer,i should do my english for next semester, an author project. i dunno tho, i feel too damn lazy. tonight the family is going out to dinner for my sisters birthday. it should be fun but i don't really want to go. i feel like sleeping for a day. but i'm too lazy as it is. then i have to work tonight from 6-12. woopie... ok theres sarcasm if you wanted to know. i think it's the time of year that makes my spirits down. i don't like christmas because nothing is ever simple. i don't know if i'm with my mom or my dad, i mean i do but it's so complicated. i just get down thats all. i can't really express how the crap i feel . i also made some choices that i'm not to proud of, nothing major . i always focus on the small things. i need to do something with my life. something but not sure what. i think this rambling helps... its good for me to vent and finally say "FUCK IT ALL" what ever that may be. fuck the people that make me sad, the ones who don't care.. i don't know what the hell is wrong with me, i feel like i've taken a wrong turn. i don't know why i chose things. o well, i need to go do something constructive. i should be back later...maybe
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| lifes so great that i'm actually sickyeah day two of my sick to the stomach feelings, i havent' eaten much and it's weird b/c i 'm totally not hungry. steve says im anorexic, hello skinny lil shits are anorexic. all i know is for like once i'm really looking forward to going to work. this way i can see John, i hope stuff works out between us i think i really like him a lot. went to the mall and stuff with steve, it was fun but felt so akward, i felt like i'm betraying him. so i literally feel like i could throw up don't know what thats all about but i'm sure i'll get over it. c ya alls later
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| omg i'm walking on cloudsdon't feel like writing everything out... again but in all honesty monday was like the best day of my life. i was nominated to be on homecoming court because of my amazing friends i love them to pieces!! i was in shock and i called my mom , no answer, called steve no answer, called my sis. she was so happy for me it was the best feeling in the world. then i got a headache b/c i couldn't stop smiling and shaking. but called ppl and they were all really happy for me. it was so sweet because i felt so freaking loved. and i couldn't think of one bad thing . went to my auditions for mascot... we'll see about that on wed but i'm not allowed to say the results so blah, plus i can't keep a secret like that to save my life. katy p and katie H were all trying to get me to go to the mall with them, which i eventually gave in to and i had a blast. so then steve called , which was like sweet as fuck. i convinced him to go to homecoming with me then i felt really bad b/c i don't want to force him to go... so i dunno now. umm. we talked and i was just put even higher up it was like he knew exactly what to say. god i'm a pushover but w/e still love him like a fat kid loves cake. then at the mall the friends made me try on these tiny dresses and they actually fit. it was the first time in a long time that i felt so pretty and even skinny or healthy i guess. it was like the good old times hangin out with katy and shane and i didn't realize how much i really missed them. kinda got yelled at by my mom when i got back home but it was all worth it... oh yeah lily is a month old today ... thats sweet as pie. so i'm literally the happiest person in the world its the best i swear. k i've gotta try to get some sleep.. much love and best of luck to everyone else on court they're all awesome girls who def deserve it!!!
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love is like dominoes one WRONG move and all
you worked for FALLS apart
i never thought i would risk the chance
of getting hurt again, but for some reason
when i'm with you all seems worth it.
peace out ppl you rock my socks
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| this weekend?? i didn't have much of one!!yeah indeed it was crazy as hell. came home on fri went to dance at 6 my dad came and got me. the car ride was both irrating and annoying as hell but i'm used to shit thrown in my face so i handled it well. i wore nicer clothes and my dad said " you clean up nice" well thanks dad i was waiting all day to hear someone tell me.. woa. oh yea after school stopped by my bros' house and say his baby ! lily she is so cute and today she is one month old!
then..school dance went rather well i had to pay considering the fact it was a fund raiser ppl had trouble believing that but w/e. danced my lil heart out wiht my bestest friends they are amazing ppl lemme tell ya. then katie and jackie took me home. i slept hung out with steve from 11-2:30 i missed the crap out of him we went kroger to gaf (it wasn't open yet), visited his mom taco bell. i mean it was fun in all b/c i hadn't seen him in over a week but my emotions are all out of whack and thinking back it was just ok. i don't think i'm as in to him anymore but wtf i dunno what the hell to think anymore. it was just like the old times i guess. worked on sat from 4-11. woot woot. then home slept woke up at 11:30 this mornign. saw my uncle from down south, went to work at 1. i was in laundry and i talked to my boss about 1 day a week and sundays. she said no, and my mom's like if they dont' give it to you then quit, your done. ha... no pressure. in all honesty i basically hate my job b/c 1)i had no summer b/c i was there so long 2) the chemicals really hurt my hands 3) the ironer and hot stuff hurts my hands 4) basically ps sucks who wants to clean up after other ppl and the list is wicked long 5) i get shitty hours which allow me no free time and i'm awake when i get home even tho i'm tired as hell 6)its alot of hard work not gunna lie 7) i go home sweating and in a lot of pain 8) some ppl are lazy as fuck and sometimes i have to pick up their slack 9) um.. its so repetive which sucks i feel like i don't get much done 10) the boss intimidates the shit out of me
at the same time 1) most of the ppl are ok some are awesome 2) i met john there and i kinda like him and mary said we were flirting more later 3)it's good money 4) i know how to do it i don't need training its like an instinct. 5) i'm scared of leaving b/c i may not get another job so yeah thats about it... i dunno i guess we'll see...
have mascot tryouts tom and it's homecomeing court nominations it should be intersting i'll say that much. oh, and at work this guy john gave me a head nod when he saw me, he didn't do it to anyone else. i smiled and i could feel my face getting all red. my 65 yr old friend mary was like someone has a crush, i was like w/e . she said someones face got really red i was like it's always red. she said ah... and he never comes down to visit unless your working. i was like really she said yeah i think he likes you. i said it's crossed my mind but i dunno i just thought he was being nice. later i kept thinking about him and i could not stop smiling. he is really nice and he's cute and every time i'm around him ive got this stupid ass grin on my face and he smiles a lot too like were too goofy idiots together. i did notice that he stops and talks to me a lot ... lol then later i mentioned homecoming and mary said who you going with i said I'm trying to get my best friend and she said you should take john. my face got all red and i got a big smirk another girl said who's john and mary said the maintence guy and she's like aww you guys flirting! BOY THAT WAS WEIRD! i do kinda like him but he only acts all smily and staring at me when its me and him or us and no other maintence guys... i dunno. long day ahead of me i'm going to bed!! much love ppl
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