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| Sweet MemoriesI was just looking back on some old journals today and reminiscing a bit. Its helpful to know where I've come from and to go over some of my life goals. I think I've come a long way in fulfilling my life goals, particularly in career and spiritual areas. I look back at my journal, over four years ago and I think about the confused young man I was, and just how unclear and uncertain I was with my community and in myself. It really amazes me just how far God has brought me, and the person I am today. I am a bit more self-confident, and hopefully more self-assured. I just realize that I get sleep at night a lot easier than I did. But that's a credit to God and his work in my life I feel. I think God wants me to rest in the strength of character and integrity he has built in me and be a bit more assured of the person I am.
I guess the funniest moment in looking through my journals is this letter I wrote to my future wife back in 2002 (I'm still waiting to figure out who this woman is). I wrote it prompted by my therapist as a way of trying to cope with being depressingly single (which I still am...hehe). The funny thing about is that I haven't ever written a letter like that since. I think one simple letter, which I express a lot of my heart is a precious thing, and it can't just be given away on a whim. So it has stayed in my journal all these years. I don't take a look at it very often, heck I don't remember the last time I took at it. But I know it is there, waiting for someone special to give it to. It works as a check, because there just haven't been women who I think I'd give that letter to. When I read the letter it feels a bit silly now, but it also speaks so much to where my heart is. I just want someone who I can share that part of my heart with. I'm not asking for applications now, but I think it is a bit reassuring to me that I have some standards and rubrics for that letter. That's a good thing I think. I really will be happy if I ever give that letter away. It is a bit funny at how much joy I have when I do look at that letter every now and then. And I begin to wonder if I was really all that crazy and confused back then. At least I got this one thing right. | | |
| The Dog Days of SummerWow, its been a long time since I posted. Well not much is happening. I started my teaching internship at Moreno Valley Community College. That's really exciting, if nothing else it makes me a bit more marketable in the job market. I've dived into ministry stuff, overseeing the finance and co-ordination of the Young Adult Retreat for the church, which is a lot more work than you might think. So that's been a challenge. Also, I'm going to get involved in planting another home group, so that will take a good chunk of time for awhile, I'm hoping to gradually shift into responsibility, rather than have stuff dumped on me. And lastly I've managed with the aid of others to have co-ordinated a bi-monthly prayer meeting for the Young Adult Men at church on mondays. So I've been all over the place.
I managed to see Dave Matthews Band this past Monday despite the fact that I was miserably sick. The past two weeks I've been down with minor physical ailments, a sore foot for a week, then a nasty cough for the next. So I haven't physically felt all to energetic lately and I think it's starting to get to me, especially the cough. I hope it clears up before the retreat this weekend. I think I'm also a bit stressed out because my hands will shake every now and then. It doesn't hurt, but it seems to be indicating the stress in life.
I'm also a bit lonely for companionship of the womanly kind lately. It's summer and I always tend to get a bit lonely when I have too much free time. I hope I don't have that same time to dwell on my loneliness when the fall comes. At the same time, what can you do about it other than what I am doing, being open and engage in the limited ways I can. It is a bit tiring and depressing, at least when I'm this tired and drained. I'm hoping things work themselves out and I'll be re-energized in the next couple of weeks. | | |
| Tony ReduxTo over simplify my dilema in life right now is to reduce the conflicting aspirations to this argument: Who do I want to be? I think there's a huge part of me that seeks glory, opportunity, and power not for God, but for affirmation. I think there's a tremendous amount of satisfaction that I would experience if I was exalted as a talented theologian, great home group leader, or even in the core group that would make decisions. Control of things always makes me feel better and assuages my insecurity. A lot of folks have been encouraging me to step out into a more formal leadership role and while I certainly have the ability and capability to... I worry about my heart. I don't mean my motives would be horrible or something, I'm sure they're human and for the good. But I just don't know if that's what I'm seeking in my life. I'm not seeking to or would want formal leadership. I'd rather be an advocate in the group.
What you ask is prompting this line of questioning from Tony? Well, I think its first a return to a perspective that I long ago abandoned. But also, I was watching a movie trailer about "World Trade Center" where the tagline was: The World Saw Evil That Day; Two Men Saw Something Else. And then it cuts to a scene in the film where Nic Cage says, "Can you see the light." It also reminded me about the story of Fr. Mychel Judge one of the first victims of the attack who rushed towards the building giving last rites while injured. It struck a chord with me, not because of the violence and tragedy of the day, but the incredible display of courage and holiness that I think was there that day. I firmly believe that our God in his supreme mercy met so many that day. My response to the Lord stirring my heart was this, I want to have that heart God. I want to have a heart that can see something so remarkably holy in the midst of darkness. I think in some way that's the heart of Christ.
I think even more importantly I want to be the least of the least, the guy who satisfied in his relationship to God, will live with non-recognition, no glory, even power over his own life, firmly trusting in the Lord. So the funny thing is when I realize that humility and God are my truest desires, so many of the anxieties and worries fall away. We all should be jealous of the man who is the janitor at the chruch whom no one wants to be around, but is really content and joyous at God, and that's all he wants.
As for the politics of the WTC movie I'm sure much will be written about it for years to come. But I think at least for me and my generation it maybe a reckoning point where we could talk and discuss the events of 9/11 seriously; taking a moment to breathe and be slightly rational. I don't think Americans have taken a serious look at what's happened why. I for one think Americans have yet to come to grips with the pain and insecurity that was inflicted upon us as a nation, and we've been limping around defensive about the wound we bear, feeling more vulnerable than in a long time. I just hope there will be some point where we can take account of the state of the world with Godly eyes and say is this what we really want? | | |
| Summer of Fruitless PrayersWell I feel like recently it's been fruitless to pray to God or even ask for prayer since nothing seems to really happen. Today I found out I won't be getting a desperately needed Summer Teaching Assistantship, and that's just plain depressing. I really prayed over it, and asked people to pray for it and God just didn't come through. It's not just one thing, but it's been a lot of things whether it is a relationship, jobs, or some other things it just really doesn't feel right now that God's coming through. I feel sometimes as though there's something wrong with me; that I'm not doing something right or not working hard enough. I know better than that, but it just doesn't seem to be that God's coming through on any of the prayers.
To be brutally honest, its made my prayer life pretty barren right now. I feel as though why should one pray if one is going to encounter only disappointment. It takes so much energy and strength to really put your heart into a prayer just to hope in something, and then it's like crushed with a giant road block. I know what a lot of people will say: It's God's will, or it isn't time, or God has something better for you. And that's fine and dandy, and I understand those things, but right now those things are merely platitudes that are sayings that are suppossed to make me feel better and I'm not feeling better. I just want some really tangible need that I can say God met, not yet another hope and dream dashed and I prayed over it too. I don't want to be disappointed, but I am. I feel a bit abandoned by God here, and just want to cry. It really has been disappointing praying for stuff, because it feels a bit like I'm not going to get it if I pray for it, not that I would've gotten it anyways. So I don't know... what to do here. I guess I'll just keep chugging along here. What else can I do? | | |
| ReflectionsJames 4
FRIENDSHIP WITH THE WORLD (1-10)
Those conflicts and disputes among you, where do they come from? Do they not come from your cravings that are at war within you? 2 You want something and do not have it; so you commit murder. And you covet something and cannot obtain it; so you engage in disputes and conflicts. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, in order to spend what you get on your pleasures. 4 Adulterers! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5 Or do you suppose that it is for nothing that the scripture says, "God yearns jealously for the spirit that he has made to dwell in us" ? 6 But he gives all the more grace; therefore it says,
"God opposes the proud,
but gives grace to the humble."
7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Lament and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy into dejection. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.
WARNING AGAINST JUDGING ANOTHER (11-12)
11 Do not speak evil against one another, brothers and sisters. Whoever speaks evil against another or judges another, speaks evil against the law and judges the law; but if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. 12 There is one lawgiver and judge who is able to save and to destroy. So who, then, are you to judge your neighbor?
You know, I don't think this passage was meant for us to be masochistic. Rather I think we need to give up a little bit of ourselves and repent. We do so many things, and then we try to justify them. Or we do so much so that we appear holy. This maintinance of our Christian image or the satisfying of our desires really is an issue of control. It is difficult to believe and live in the sole knowledge and safety of Christ. we'll let him tell others how to view us, how to see us and what to say to us. Rather than trying to defend ourselves, can we rest solely in God's love for us? I don't know... it wouldn't be easy that's for sure. | | |
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