toyotaman_us's Xanga

Monday, May 29, 2006

Mon, 29 May 2006 23:45:09 GMT

So word has it that someone has discovered my online journal. My PUBLIC online journal. Big surprise that someone would discover this being's as though its public.

Then once its discovered whoever this person is decides to show it to my ex step father. Wonderful! Then I'm accused of all sorts of things that I never actually posted on here. The accusations werent said directly to me, but yet to my mother, whom was upset by all of it, but only because the way that he told her wasnt nice.

Let me bring it to everyone's attention incase you didnt know I'M FUCKIN GAY! Yes I'm gay and I dont give a shit what anyone thinks about that. Ok thats one thing out of the way.

One other thing I can bring to everyone's attention is that most EVERYONE knows this. Of course there are people that I choose not to tell (Ahem my ex step father) but thats only because I know that they might fly off the handle like he did, and blow things way out of proportion.

So today because my mother was upset, I went back and read through 4 years of my crap. This took me nearly 8 hours to do, and I just finished it. I did this to make sure that the accusations of me writing things like "I like it up the ass hole" werent true, and of course to my no surprise...they werent. I also heard that these things were printed out for my mother to read? Thats bullshit because I knew before I even went back and read all of my posts that I didnt write anything to that affect.

There is also talk that I have dated a black guy! Oh gees everyone look out now! Ready for this? I have dated 2 (technically) and talked to many more! Wow amazing huh? Fucking amazing that I would talk to other people...notice I said PEOPLE! Which is what a black person is right? A person just like you and me.

Let me take the time to point out that the last guy I seriously dated was black. We dated for over a year. My mother and father met him, and others in my family. Also he graduated from LSU with a degree in Political Science.

Wanna know what that tells me? That he is smarter than the person that exposed all of this to my ex step father, and my ex step father himself. He got an education beyond highschool, and is going to do something with his life. This applies to all the other black people I have talked to, or considered dating also.

Now on to the fact that the concern for the well being of my little brother has been brought into this. Heaven forbid that the well being of my little brother be affected by something he is to young to understand. I might also point out that I will NEVER bring a boyfriend around him, nor the rest of my family. I never intend to. I also never intend on discussing anything about this part of my life with him, or even letting him know it exsists. If he finds out thats on him. I wont talk about it.

Last but not least I want to leave a little something for my exposer. I dont know who you are that had the nerve to show this to my ex step dad, and I really could care less. I just want to say FUCK YOU! If you are someone that I thought I might be able to trust, you certainly lost all of it if I find out who you are.

I use this online journal in confidence that I can trust the people I let read it, and the people that might find it. However I also am careful with what I say. So really I should have nothing to worry about. I know everything I have posted, and today when I went back and read every single post, I remembered writing them like it was yesterday.

This is my life, welcome to it, read away cause I dont give a flying fuck what you or anyone else thinks!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Wed, 03 May 2006 02:06:14 GMT

Messy people huh?

How messy was it when you left me alone at your house to go get/give a blow job at like 1:30am in the morning with your ex? I bet it was real messy beings as though you were in a car and all. To think you didnt even come back in to tell me that you were leaving, you just left.

Then dealing with the same situation you lied to your ex about who's car was in the drive way and asked me to remove a picture from myspace to cover yourself up incase he might see it.

How about when you were giving me hope by telling me not to give up, then turn around and tell me that your saying "I love you" to your ex and meaning it? How messy is that. How'd you think I felt. Obviously you didnt know.

Oh yea lets see. I found out through someone else that you were thinking about just having a fuck buddy. Wait a second though, you were still talking to me? What the hell was that about. Then when I asked you about it you gave me some half assed line about "Oh well I said that, but I dont really know" Bullshit.

Hmmm, then you went off for a week and I didnt hear from you. Others did, but not me. Then when you come back I see (this is only parts of the comments)

"I did like sleepin the day away with you!!!"

and

"getting all freaky in the back seat, crazy kids."

on your site. Then the next day you just want to be my friend? Very strange. Of course you'd never admit to anything happening, but from what I've heard I dont need to ask you because I have everything I need right there, and elsewhere. Where? None of your concern. Doesnt take a rocket scientist to analyze what those comments alone state.

Finally you say you told me how you felt in the beginning. Yes you did...ONE TIME! One fuckin time and then every time after that you strung me along for nearly 2 months saying "Dont give up something might happen" When you knew full and well nothing was gonna happen.

Oh yea and let me remind you of something you said:

"You have treated me better than anyone else ever has, including ----" At least I'm not gonna bring his name into this.

If that was the case, then why did I get treated like I just said up there? I dont know, and really, dont care anymore. I dont care, because I dont think you ever cared to begin with and it showed a lot.

What about the Easter present I got you that you rejected? All those times you got pissed off and wouldnt talk to me? Then when something would bother me I'd HAVE to talk to you or you'd get angry. How messy was that Zach?

You wanna talk about me being messy and about telling your side of the story. I shoulda dropped your ass by the first paragraph of this blog. I'm not the only one who agrees with that by the way. So really your side of the story means about as much to me as the shit that comes outta my ass.

*Edit*:

So I feel the need to add to this since my little blog brought out some more information. Zach keeps claiming that I just keep on sinking lower. Well it doesnt really matter how low I sink for exposing him for what he really is, I'll never reach the depth he's gotten!

Well everyone I got an answer on what happened while he was gone for a week. Yes sex was had *gasp* oh, well no huge surprise. Then I was accused of not asking about what happened while he was gone that week! How dare I not ask if Zach fooled around when he was gone! OH WAIT yea the promise that was made about not doing anything sexual with anyone else while we were trying to work on things was broken! Also the promise that Zach would tell me if something happened or if his feelings changed was broken! *gasp* Wait, why am I gasping, this coming from the person that did all that shit up there? It's a promise broken. Chalk that up with the other asshole things that were done.

Then he has the audassidy to say that things would have gone further with the guy he had sex with, because Zach and I hadnt had sex yet. You know in most other peoples book waiting to have sex is a good thing, but for someone like Zach who claims to want to take it slow I guess sex is a exception to the take it slow rule. Oh well to each his own.

I let him post up his blog comments so everyone could see just what kind of person he is. He's happy about the way that he treated me everyone! The best thing is that I dont give a shit cause I'm still smiling. Any hurt that was there before has been overtaken by anger and replaced by strength.

Keep on doin what your doin sweetie. Truck along with your lies and decietfulness and we'll just see how far it gets you. Though I wont say that I hope your unhappy. I wouldnt wish that one anyone, but at this point there isnt a whole lot of hope left for you anyway, and I'm not talkin about with me.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 20:07:27 GMT

Alrighty, well its time for a post so here goes. Not only am I posting because its time for one, but also because I am being forced into it by Zach...haha

To catch up on some stuff I'll start with Tobi. As most of you read many moons ago, I had moved outta my grandma's and moved in with Tobi. Ever since I moved in Tobi had been stuck in a dead end job that she was looking to get out of to pursue something within her field of Graphic Design. She finally found that but she had to move out :( I've delt with her moving away before, but this time I think its a lil harder in some respects because when she came back from college we grew closer as friends. It'll be a bit strange for a while not having her around. We only lived together for about a year, but that amount of time a lot can happen. It wont be the same not having her at game nights and such. Just not the same, but all the while I'm a lil down cause she had to leave, I'm very happy that she finally got a job doing something she loves...Graphic Design.

In other news I got a new phone! Last night Zach helped me pick out a new phone. A flip phone, that takes pictures! Yes everyone, Caleb has moved into the 21st century! Its about time! lol Its a Sony Ericsson which is the same kind of phone I have right now, but its obviously better...lol

Now onto something else. I've mentioned the name Zach and noone here probably has ever heard of Zach (except immediate friends) so to explain a bit more. Zach and I have become pretty close friends in the past 3 weeks or so, and had known each other through myspace for a couple of months. He was going through hard times yada yada and I decided to help him out, and well I've come to like him. I've been very happy the past few weeks and hope that it continues.

So yea thats a pretty quick update. I'll write more as I feel like it, or as I'm forced to...LOL

Caleb

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 17:05:33 GMT

Current Mood:

Ok so let me just give everyone out there a little hint. DONT HIT ON OTHERS WHEN YOUR DRUNK! Some might like it, but for me its a huge turn off.

Last night I went out t relieve some stress from a crappy week that I'd been having. I went out to Splash, one of Baton Rouge's gay clubs (really the only one that can be considered an actual club), but I've been going out there for years. I went to Splash before it was Splash when it was Icon, and before that once when it was Evolution. So yea I've been hitting that club up for quiet a while, and let me just tell you the crowd has changed!

I guess that is to be expected after nearly 6 years, but as the crowd has changed so has the whole vibe of the club. Like for instance, when it was Icon I hardly ever got hit on, or groped, or anything, and back then I was younger and more at prime for that sort of stuff. Now that I'm older and a bit less at my prime I get hit on by guys, and one would think thats good...WRONG! I get hit on by all the drunk ass guys that wanna take me home and fuck me that night. Most of the time they dont even look that good and are all up in my face stankin like alcohol. Just dont do that, unless your trying to waste your own time cause it wont work with me.

One guy actually got pushy with me. He tried to hold my hand and then asked me what was wrong. I told him that it was just a lil uncomfortable and I said it in a way that he would know I didnt like it, cause I even rolled my eyes and everything. Then he goes "deal with it" and poked me in the chest twice as if to push me back. So I just turned around and walked away. Also I was trying to say goodbye to someone I hadnt seen in a very long time and he was groping me on my ass! I was just pissed. It almost ruined my night, but thank goodness it was at the end of the night and almost time to leave.

Anyways the bottom fuckin line is just dont to that. Its nasty, makes you look nasty, rude, obnoxious, and just plain childish. If you wanna pick someone up for a good time, or friends, or a relationship even, doing it while drunk is not the right time. Everyones different and someone out there might enjoy that, well not me.

So yea thats my rant for the day. Other than that I had a great time just dancing and talking to all my friends there. I always have fun there, but its changed so much that I sometimes wished the old club would come back.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 00:12:15 GMT

Current Mood:

So yea, its been a while since I've written, and why might you ask? Well no good reason except I've been a lazy procrastinating ass...lol

Some new things that have happened since my last post. I went to Nasheville. That was fun. They have a club called Graham Central Station up there and it has 7 clubs inside of it. AWESOME. I loved Nasheville and highly recommend it to anyone who loves to Party. Of course I recommend Las Vegas, Minneapolis, and New Orleans but hey!

Mardi Gras is coming up and hopefully its gonna be a good one as far as crowds. I know Mardi Gras will be good for me cause my friend Levin is coming over from California to celebrate it with my friends and I. Cant wait!

This month is gonna be a good one. My friend Chris from Orlando is coming back home for the first time in 2 years. Then Levin right after him. Valentines is in there, we are celebrating Tobi's b-day, I'm performing in Denham Springs for clogging for the first time in almost 2 years! Yes yes yes!! Its gonna be a good month! Kick ass!

By the way, the "mood" I selected is how I'm feeling right now. It has nothing to do with the blog.

Friday, March 21, 2003

Fri, 21 Mar 2003 02:08:03 GMT

I realize that this post is extremely long, but I felt the need to post this up.

Life

Ok I want to post this because I was just in a very big argument with one of my friends. It brought me to a realization that I never really thought about before, but now its true in my mind.

Think your life is hard? Think your life has been worse than the next persons? I personally think that I have led a good life, despite things that have happened in the past. This blog is extremely personal to me, but I do not mind sharing it.

So my answer to my first question..."Think your life is hard?" Well it has not been the easiest, but Im still here

Early Life

My life started very young as my parents divorced before I ever hit the tender age of two. The divorce was caused by both of my parents alcohol problem at the time. They both drank and fought all the time, not to mention Father was doing drugs.

I was about three years old when my mom re-married and we moved to Atlanta. Again my stepfather and my mother were both drunks. I witnessed constant fighting, most of which I remember.

As time passed we moved from Atlanta to Charleston (6 years old). I guess this is where the two most truamatizing things of my life happened to me. One it was here that my parents got in a fight that I got stuck in the middle of. Every night when my mom put me to bed I liked to get out of the bed and crawl around to the side of the hall way and peak out to see if she would see me. Usually when she would see me she would laugh and just bring me back to the bed and make sure I fell asleep. One night that was not the case. I crawled in the room and both of my parents were just starting to fight. I got scared cause my step dad was yelling very loud and they were in each others face. So I was sitting there around the corner and I started to cry. This is when my step dad picked me up and tried to comfort me. My mom snatched me out of his hands and said that I wanted to be with her (which was true) and he insisted that I wanted to be with him. Well after going back and forth a couple of times my step dad won me over and I was screaming by this time.

The other event that happened while I was in South Carolina was my being molested. Now this is something that most people consider to be very personal to them, but it really wasn’t a horrible case. Two teenage girls that lived down the street saw me playing outside one day and decided to join in. They asked me to follow them over to this empty house right next door to mine where they blocked me in on the porch. The one that was blocking me in held a cat and told me that if I tried to get away she would put it on my back to scratch me. The other one instructed me on how to pull my pants down for the both of them. I started to do it then acted as though I heard my mom calling me. They almost let me go, but since she wasn’t heard by them they kept me. Things went a little further and I got touched a little more than I would have liked, but Mom called right in the nick of time. Nothing really went beyond me showing and letting them touch, but it was still something I will never forget.

As time went on we wound up back in Louisiana after living in Florida for a short time (our last big move when I was about 8 years old). This is where the drinking and fighting got to an all time high. We were coming home one night from somewhere and my step dad was obviously a little bit on the horny side. In front of me he pinned my mom against the wall and made her kiss him. She was struggling and screaming to get away but he would not let her go. He must have forgotten I was there or something, or just not cared. I guess that’s what alcohol will do to you.

Finally when I was around 10 she got smart and divorced the bastard. After that we struggled to live basically. My mom was a single mother with one child (me) trying to make ends meet. We moved to about 5 different apartment complex’s in Baton Rouge, and in between not living in apartments we lived with my grandparents. Most of the time my Mom was busy running off with her boyfriends and leaving me with my grandparents. All the while my original Dad was not paying child support and off doing drugs. So during my childhood I never heard from, nor saw him. I was mostly raised by my grandparents.

Highschool

Finally we all settled down in Gonzales back in 1995. It was here that I would want to remain, and actually become old enough to make that decision. I say this because in my Freshman year (1996) my Mom met another loser that became my step father. He to was/is an alcoholic and just treats my mom like shit. Since my life was established in school and such I did not want to go back to Baton Rouge so I obtained my grandparents permission to live with them till I finished highschool.

Highschool was not an easy time for me. As a matter of fact school in general was not an easy time. I distinctly remember being bullied in Elementary school for being a faggot. I think it was because I was so quiet. My two most vivid memories of anything that ever happened in school were in middle school, and then later in high school. In middle school I was in the band room one time waiting for the teacher to come back. It was me and the whole class. This kid named Jeremy got up and jumped on my back and started riding me saying "You like that don’t you? You know you like it from behind" I ran to the wall to try and ram him against it, but he jumped off before I got there. I was so humiliated that day, and more embarrassed than I ever though I would be in my life...well I was proven wrong in the 10^th grade. It happened in shop class of all places. It was a class full of about 25-30 guys, all Juniors and Seniors. There was one girl in the class. The guy that sat in front of me was named Adam. One day the teacher had gone out the room and he turned around and said "Is it ok if I call you little Jimmy" At this point he slipped his hand under my desk and started to rub on my leg. Everyone in the class was rollin laughing but me. Then a guy across from me picked up my bookbag and tried to take it. I clinched on and held on so tight that he almost tore the straps off of it trying to get it from me all the while saying "Little Jimmy is strong!" and laughing his ass off. Of course I thought none of this was funny. It was then that the entire class was just laughing at me and shit. I left out holding back tears. This was when I went to my councilor and got her help. I thought about pressing charges for all the harassment, but I let him go with an apology and an in school suspension.

Mom and Dad

To move this story along; at this time my father was trying to get his life back together during my highschool years. He was working for a church that he belonged to, and trying to spend time with me and give me money. This was kinda hard for me to adjust to because I wasn’t used to him being in my life. Meanwhile my mom became pregnant for my new baby brother, and this was the time in her life when she quit her job, and filed for disability because her Crones condition had worsened, and would only go down hill from here. Since my mom has had my brother she has been to the doctors office nearly every week cause of her medical condition. She has had 4-5 corrective surgeries for it. This is all going without mentioning that my step father was a dick the whole time. Every time she would get back from a surgery he would expect her to cook and clean the first day she was back. The man had/has no heart. Then amidst all the surgeries my mom is having to correct her health I’m stressing out about my new found love, and coming out to her. This is a trial I posted about in the Being Gay post however, so many of you know about that already.

On top of stressing about my mother, and being gay, I began to stress out when my grandfather passed away in the midst of all of this, and the fact that my dad was becoming an alcoholic again. I graduated from highschool (this is out of order but oh well) and wound up moving to Watson with my dad. Only to hear him constantly talk about the "tuna" he scored in recent times, and how good the weed was that he was smoking. Constantly I was offered to drink or smoke with him, but I always declined and just stayed in my room. I was in charge of everything in the house. Cleaning, cooking, groceries. If I didn’t buy groceries before the money got spent on beer, then we would have never had anything to eat. This was all while my drunken uncle lived with us, and my Dad had a girl banging him in his bedroom every night. Well one day that girl of his needed to go to court and he wouldn’t take her so the bitch stole my car and wrecked it on the interstate into an 18 wheeler. I was out of wheels and just starting to get my finances straight (saving for school and all) but had to take from that to get a new car. Dad promised I wouldn’t have to pay one red cent, but I wound up paying for almost the whole thing without him paying me back. I forgot to mention that this house he lived in was a company house, and the truck he drove, and the cell phones he owned. All provided by the company, but the day my car was stolen was the day he was fired, and lost every bit of that, so that meant I was out of a home too. I had to go and live with my aunt in Holden so that I could go to school easily.

During school I have kept a steady job and have kept in touch with my father. He has recently been doing the worst that I have ever known him to do. For a little while I would tote him to and from work every week. Only to hear his stories of the Tuna he scored, and him asking me if I wanted to share in on it with him. I always just listened and stayed quiet. He would drink the whole time to and from work. Yes at 6am a beer was his breakfast. Nasty I know. For a while he would give me money and all. He worked until his back went out then he quit his job and went to see a specialist for pills. Needless to say he now "deals" these pills out of his house with my two 14 year old sisters there. My dad constantly has his "dealers" over to pick up what they need or share with him what they have got. I think my stepmom is getting in on it too. My Dad is so messed up that sometimes I am ashamed to call him my father. However he is that, and I love him no matter what he has put me through. Just to give everyone a perspective on how much he really doesn’t care, he owes my mom over $21,000 in back child support. That will stay on his record till my mom says it can be cleared, or he pays it.

Now

Now I am back with my grandmother. I live a peaceful life and only go to my Dad when I need money (he is still doing all that stuff I just mentioned). I call my mom on a regular basis and see her every so often to see how she is doing, and I see my brother too. I try to see my sisters as much as I can, but seeing them is hard to do without being around my father, which I don’t care to much for.

My only trials right now are that Im lonely, and worried about my expenses. Other than those two things Im all hunky dory

Now on to answer the final question..."Think your life is worse than the next persons?"

The answer to this one is easy...Absolutely not. I realize that I have had trials in my life, but I also realize that other people have had just as equal trials...some harder, but ultimately I believe that everyone comes from some kind of tough background, and while mine was pretty mild compared to what if could have been...it still had its tough times.

I definitely missed some things in this story, but I pointed out the main parts that I found to be life changing and such. I hope that some of you took the time to read this and learned to appreciate everyone’s different and unique background.

Have a good day all!

I must give props to Acousticdream for his good points on the protesting situation. He pointed out things I had not thought of. I believe that his view point of protesting is the most civilized one I have come across yet.