Giving Love A Chance

How to Increase Your Odds of Getting Married

Hollywood tells us that love is at first sight. If you’ve seen chick flicks, you’ve probably noticed “the moment”. This is the time when strangers lock eyes, everything is in slow-mo, and that love spark is ignited. If only life was as simple as Hollywood…

In reality, when it comes to our love lives, both guys and girls are superficial. What do I mean by that? Well, often times we don't look for the things God looks for so we poorly choose who we are attracted to and who we aren’t. American media and our sin have tag teamed to mess up our understanding of what real love and an ideal relationship are. This has had devastating effects in how we view the opposite sex and who we consider potential spouses.

For example, for some guys, the most important factor in a potential spouse is good looks. This becomes problematic because most girls do not look like the girls on magazines or in movies. So guys will pass up girls who would have made great wives because they’re hoping for trophy girlfriends.

I can’t speak for girls, but it might not be so different. A possible important factor a girl looks for in a potential spouse may be how much money the guy makes. If the guy doesn’t meet her standards she doesn’t consider him.

This has led to the culture we are now living in. Everyone is looking for greener grass. The first question you need to ask yourself when considering a potential spouse is “Is God leading in this?” If He is, then you need to follow it. Whether God is leading in this relationship ought to be a much higher priority than whether you have chemistry and all the other questions.

We shrink our pool when we eliminate people as potentials even before we run them by God. Our way of thinking leaves out many godly guys and girls who won't make headlines. It takes a mature person to see through all the hoop-la generated by highly-desired guys and girls to see potential in less popular people.

The problem with quickly putting the opposite sex on the friends-only ladder is that you may be putting the person that God wants you to marry there. Keep in mind that who you think is an ideal spouse for you may not be. And who you don’t think would be a good spouse may very well be. If you’ve been brainwashed by the media and have left your sin appetite unchecked, then there’s a good chance your standards are way off. That’s why it’s not wise to dismiss someone just because he or she does not have quality #53 on your checklist or qualities #134 onward for that matter. Be open to whom God might be leading you to marry. The person God has in mind for you might completely surprise you.

Before I get shot for being anti-romantic, I want to say that attraction is a mystery. Why are you attracted to one person and not the other? Why is someone attracted to you and not someone else? The media tells us that love is at first sight. In the real world, love might not be at first, second, or third sight. It might be at tenth sight or twentieth sight. Sometimes, it can take weeks of getting to know someone until there is that spark. If you don’t give people a chance and get to know them, you may never develop that spark. And even if there is no spark, it doesn’t mean that God is not leading in this.

Give love a chance. Let God bring you your spouse. He’s the best matchmaker of all.

Won’t You Be My Valentine?

Reflections on the Single Life

When I was nineteen years old, a freshman at UC Davis, I read Elisabeth Elliot’s Passion and Purity. There was one line in the book that has stuck out for me until this very day. Here it is:

“The love life of a Christian is a crucial battleground. There, if nowhere else, it will be determined as to who is Lord: the world, the self and the devil, or the Lord Christ.”

As I think about these words, I find them so true. Can there be a more crucial battleground for a single person? After all, your love life is what you hold most dear.

You might find yourself asking any of these questions:

1)      Will I ever be loved?

2)      Will I find a good match?

3)      What if I don’t meet that special someone when I hit middle age?

4)      What if I don’t meet that special someone ever?

5)      What if I’m lonely the rest of my life?

6)      Is true love for real or is it just a Disney dream?

Well, I’ve got good and bad news for you. What would you like to hear first? I’m assuming that you’re like me so you’ll want to hear the bad news first so here we go. The bad news is that you may never meet that special someone… ever. You might be a lonely, unattached person for the rest of your life.

Ready for the good news? The good news is that even if God doesn’t bring that special someone into your life, your life can still count. You can still live a life that is in every way just as pleasing to God as someone who is attached.

You might be thinking, “Wait, that’s not the good news I was hoping to hear! I don’t want to be lonely!” Sorry to disappoint you, but that’s life.

Life can sometimes be very hard. In the last chapter of the book of John, Jesus told Peter, one of his disciples, just how hard life is gonna be for him. Here it is:

Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go. This [Jesus] said to show by what kind of death [Peter] was to glorify God. And after saying this he said to him, "Follow me."

Peter turned and saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them, the one who had been reclining at table close to him and had said, "Lord, who is it that is going to betray you?" When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, "Lord, what about this man?" Jesus said to him, "If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!"

John 21:18-22

As singles, it is so easy for us to think just like Peter, “Hey, what’s up with that, Jesus? So-and-so isn’t all that spiritual, but he/she seems to have a special someone and a happy life! That’s not fair. All I want is a special someone to be with. I’m not even being unreasonable asking for a brand new Lamborghini or something. Gosh!”

I believe that Jesus would simply say to us, “What is that to you if I bless so-and-so including those who don’t seem to be deserving of my blessings? You follow me!”

It’s that simple, isn’t it? Don’t worry about other people. Just follow Jesus and let the chips fall where they may.

 

GIGOTOS

AKA “Grass is Greener on the Other Side”

In the US, single people have many choices to make as to who they want to marry. It’s not uncommon to hear people say, “I like Adam’s personality, Jack’s looks, Fred’s charm, Terry’s build, Charlie’s job security…” This results in high expectations and low satisfaction.

What do I mean? Well, it is a commonly known that singles suffer from what one of my friends, Kate Chan, calls GIGOTOS, which stands for “Grass is Greener on the Other Side”. This is to say that once you meet someone of the opposite sex who catches your eye you are bound to meet still another that seems to be an even better catch.

For example, let’s say you are a girl, who meets Guy #1, who catches your eye. Sooner or later you are going to meet Guy #2 who might seem like greener grass. Perhaps Guy #2 is a little cuter or a little more charming or a little more fun or whatever the case might be. This creates some level of dissatisfaction with Guy #1. If you were considering dating Guy #1 you now consider Guy #2 as the greener grass. If you were dating Guy #1, you might have wished that you waited around for Guy #2.

The other problem that results from having choices is that you tend to have high expectations of being served. You start to think how cool Guy #2 is and how he can make you really happy. Your focus on who you want to date depends on who makes you feel good or who will give you more of the desires of your heart. Conversely, there is little thought on how you can serve the other person. The relationship is about how so-and-so can make you happy. Such relationships are doomed from the beginning. It is just a matter of time before the whole thing unravels.

This mentality is carried over into marriage. If you suffer from GIGOTOS during the dating relationship, chances are that you will still suffer after marriage. Just because you say “I Do” doesn’t mean that you won’t be looking at people of the opposite sex and wondering if your life would be happier if you married to that person.

Though it is only very human and natural to suffer from GIGOTOS, I believe that it is wise to actively choose not to suffer from it. Resist those thoughts. Don’t tell me you can’t resist them. Your mind is the servant of the will. If you “will” to resist, you’ll resist. I’m not saying that it’s easy though, but the earlier you do it, the better off you are. If you never shut off this GIGOTOS  type of thinking it will destroy you and your relationships.

The greatest protection against dissatisfaction is satisfaction. In other words, be thankful and grateful for what God has done for you and given to you. You must also believe that you are getting far more from the relationship than you are giving. If you don’t, GIGOTOS will botch your life. The world teaches that it is better to receive than to serve. The Bible teaches that it is better to give than to receive. Even if it seems like you are not receiving much back in this life for all the sacrifices you make know that God will surely make it up to you in the next.

There is a theory called the ladder or the friend zone. In short, this theory suggests that guys and girls immediately categorize people of the opposite sex into one of two ladders as either “just friends” or potential mates. I think that most people think this way. There may be many reasons why someone is put in the “just friends” zone . It could be the person is not attractive, not tall enough, not bubbly enough, has not-so-pleasant manners, annoying…

 I want to encourage you not to put someone in the “just friends” zone that fast. In fact, there may be potentially great marriage partners for you in your zone that you might be overlooking. OK, you might not be totally attractive to him or her upon the firs t meeting, but if you close the door that fast on the person, you might very well be limiting your choices so much that you end up hurting your own chances. Part of the reason why there are so many single people these days is because they’re holding out for someone unrealistic.