hey everybody....

so this is probably my last post ever on xanga....

i've moved over to Myspace.  you can catch me at myspace.com/notasecondglance

I just signed up for it so it's still in a working progress...

If you enjoyed the posts here on this site....expect more of those to be coming soon...probably in the next week or two...I will be posting the first one....

- ryan

Update coming soon:  I WILL REMEMBER YOU

::edit:: new profile picture

- ryan

SOCCER BALLS AND DOLLAR BILLS
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Just when you think you know people well enough to expect what their next words out of their mouth are or what action they're going to perform, they turn it all around on you.  You think you know, but you have no idea. 

:rewind:  It must have been about 2 months ago.  I go to this park about a quarter mile from the house to do some jogging and sprinting for a little over an hour about 3 times a week.  For the past 3 months, I've seen this soccer team manned by probably 11 or 12 y/o Mexican boys who practice at this park on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  I don't know their team name.  I don't know what city they're from or what league they play.  When I'm running my miles, I look at the team practicing whether they're passing the ball to each other, playing an intersquad scrimmage, or just kicking the ball through two 6-inch cones.  I think nothing of them.  There is no attachment between me and the team except for the fac that we both work out on the same ground.  In my opinion, I don't think they're that great.  Mexican dads huddle together in their Mexican boots in the parking lot. I don't understand they say as they talk real low and quiet and speak in Spanish tongue.  As I'm running past the parking lot, I flick my hand up about shoulder-high towards these men as a sign of courtesy and my acknowledgement of them.  It doesn't occur to me whether or not they saw this small gesture or what they did in return.  For I just see these men for about 4 seconds before they pass out of my line of sight.  The next time I pass them, I just glance at them making sure they are out of my way.  One Thursday, the soccer team wasn't there.  But a soccer ball was.  It was just standing there in the open grass right by a fence that I park my bike at.  I looked around to see if maybe a kid was around that might have left there, but the park was deserted.  I just kicked the ball to where the fence was and kept it by my bike while I proceeded to run my circuit.  Maybe the soccer team would show up a little later than usual.  But they didn't.  When it was time to go home, I figured I should just leave it there because the soccer team would eventually come back and then they could get it back.  But then, what if somebody else comes to get it before the team?  With this in mind, I took the ball home.  My first instinct was just to keep it at the house for my sister because she plays soccer.  You never know when you'll need an extra soccer ball for anything.  That night, I thought about how I saw various scenes on T.V. or in a movie where a person returned something to somebody and got an even bigger reward for it.  That next Tuesday, I tucked the ball under my shirt.  It actually looked like I was pregnant . . . that would explain the confused looks I got from people as they drove past me while I was riding to the park.  It happened that the soccer team was there that night.  I pull up short to where the soccer team was practicing and dropped my bike.  On the ball, there was a faded, black permanent marker which had writing that said "Ricky Marija" all over the ball.  In 5 different places.  With my knowledge of how the dads talked, I figured that this was a Spanish speaking team and wouldn't understand a word I said.  I approached the middle of the team as they were warming up.  I said, "Soccer Ball!"  "Ricky Marija."  That's all I could think of that they would understand.  One kid comes running over from the other side of the field with a little skip in his step.  He reaches up for the ball and tells me "Thank you."  Perhaps to me, the best thing happened right after that.  I wasn't expecting any type of reward or gratuity from anybody.  But as I was walking back to my bike, I heard the coach say something in Spanish, and everybody started to clap.  Even the Mexican dads in their Mexican boots.  When I started hearing the clapping, I actually stopped dead in my tracks and wondered if their clapping was for me.  I turn around....they have all stopped practicing.....and clap for my returning of the ball.  With all the thanks I have gotten from anybody in all my life for anything, this ranks up there.  Now as I run past the parking lot, I stop and shake the hands of the Mexican dads in their Mexican boots.  I ask them how they are all doing and smile.  They don't have a quiet, low speech about them now.  Turns out I just wasn't listening to them.....I was just hearing them.  When I wave to them now, it's kind of like I'm waving to family.  They respect me for what I did, and I respect them for what the team did for me.  As I take my breaks in running, I notice a lot more from the team.  Actually, I take it back.  They are pretty good. 

On another note, I was at work just last week.  As I was stocking some food, this old lady reached into her purse to get some coupons out.  As she was pulling them out, a five dollar bill parachuted to the bottom of the floor.  I watched the whole scene from like 10 feet away.  The old lady didn't seem to notice it had fallen....maybe her hearing was gone.  Just kidding.  She walked into the next aisle....and I had this puzzled smile on my face thinking that she was just playing a prank on me.  To see what I would do.  Turns out she wasn't.  I picked it up, gave it back to her.  I got something more though.  She told me to keep the 5 dollar bill and actually gave me 2 extra dollars as a thank you for my generosity. 

Just when you think you know people well enough to expect what their next words out of their mouth are or what action they're going to perform, they turn it all around on you.  You think you know, but you have no idea.  Maybe it's the act of surprise that brings out somethign in people to be generous.    Sometimes, I think the best thing is to be honest with people.  And appreciation.  And when you get appreciated, sometimes you just can't quite find the words to say thank you for that appreciation.  I think some people develop a sense of careness and understanding for other people that makes them do the right things.  Before the soccer ball incident, I can't say I would've returned something back to somebody.  I would've kept along the lines of "Finders keepers, losers weepers."  Just when you think you know the ins and outs of how to treat people, you learn something new.  It must have been about 2 months ago . . . . but this will stay with me for a lifetime. 

YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME . . .
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Being on your own can be difficult.  The first time, it's the most difficult.  You get accustomed to new people and the way they do things.  You surround yourself in new environments that are foreign beyond belief to your mind.  Sometimes, being on your own is the hardest thing for people to do.  Change.  Sometimes, being on your own is the best thing that will ever happen to people.  I believe some people are destined to seclude themselves from the rest of the world.  Some people have to always have somebody by their side in order to succeed or prosper or overcome each new day with adversity, but to gain fortitude in the process.  And some people will find that one person in life that knows what to do in times of fear and cowardness, that loves to the highest potential in struggling hardship times . . . somebody that would do anything to make them happy during forlorn states of mind . . . because I would have.  I think most of us are always on the lookout for somebody that fulfills that part of their heart that is lonely, but they may keep on searching through endless days and nights just to find themselves unsuccessful.  Even then, when something goes wrong in a relationship, you find yourself wondering how it got to this.  Why?  Things don't always go as planned . .  I can tell you that.  And then, you're at the front of the pit, guided by security officers only to find yourself recycled to the back and trying your best to work your way up to the front again.  You start over.  Change.  It's what everything seems to always be about.  Sometimes, we can become so blind to the change that needs to be made that we find ourselves recycled to the back of the crowd.  We are left out in the cold to be on our own wondering what went wrong.  The best lessons in life are the ones we make after something has gone horribly bad.  Sometimes, it's not even fair, but we learn.  He got lung cancer after smoking heavily for 35 years only to find himself breathing with the aid of a machine . . . breathing to his death.  It takes one person to prove to somebody else the mistakes we shouldn't make in life.  Sometimes, it's being there for others when they need help the most.  Listen.  Listen, listen, listen.  I've always considered myself a good listener, but the one time I didn't do it, I failed myself.  I lost it all . . . I lost everything at that time.  It's not always easy though . . . we all get caught up, all the time, in what we ourselves want.  Because, how can we be happy if we're not happy to begin with, right?  Just be there for somebody.  Even when you don't want to.  I promise . . . you'll feel much better if you hadn't done it at all.  You'd be surprised how such a little help can go a long way.  That's why I took her in.  She needed to escape the world of anxiety that was surrounding her.  I think that a lot of times, the best angels are us.  It doesn't always take a prayer to god or a happenstance miracle to get the impossible done.  Even if it was for one night, I know I made a difference to her world . . . for one night, she could escape the truculence and surround herself with angels.  But sometimes the people we need to help the most are the ones that we would have least suspected.  I remember a while back, a friend showed me his wrists while we were riding in his car and they were cut up rigorously.  I won't lie . . . it scared the hell out of me.  Even though I'm still young, I remember that that was definitely one of the times that I had been most scared in my life.  I couldn't believe it.  Though when I was shown the marks, scratches, and cuts on his wrists, they were fading back into the skin, so I knew that he hadn't done it in a while.  You know, it's just not worth it though.  I think more of us need help than we think.  Because of him, I learned that if something ever went that wrong, I would need somebody to talk to.  Even if the people you feel most comfortable with talking to about anything aren't there for you, there will always be somebody to talk to.  You learn things from people you already thought was common sense.  Even when I have been heartbroken and lost and lonely and scared and cnofused, I learned that you can accomplish anything with a friend by your side.  That's why it's always nice when someone takes the time to reach out and befriend you.  The people that reached out to me was them.  Though they didn't realize it at the time, they helped me out.  Even though he was suffering with his machine-operated breathing, he instilled into my mind the importance of not picking up a cigarette because you just might end up living by a cerain output of power and a hose with a mask strapped around the back of your head.  She taught me that your parents can be the scariest people in life when they lose it and that I am lucky for the ones I have now.  And with him, he got a second chance and a newfound opportunity of what lay ahead of him.  Because no matter how bad things get, someone will be your hero.  Even though you think you are alone, you're not.  Don't ever let your first time being alone come to you because it may change you forever.

HAVING A GOOD PLAN . . .
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I told a friend I would have an update by Friday, but while writing this post, I didn't know where I wanted to go.  I just decided to leave what I wrote on this page as my post hoping to expand on one soon. 

Maybe I'll just go with that.  It's really miraculous how two people can connect.  You don't have to follow a manual of step-by-step instructions to get the girl you want.  But sometimes it feels like you have to.  You get to thinking that if you do certain things, results will happen to your liking. 

What about those mornings when you wake up, everything is perfect? Your body feels like it's running on a fresh tank of gas as soon as your sleepy eyes open to the cold morning air.  Each individual static-filled hair on your head is even more righteously falling in ways that are more perfect than going to sleep the night before.  Or you actually don't have to lie in bed looking up at the motionless ceiling contemplating when you should actually get out of bed.  That's what happened to me today.  Could it be Christmas?  Not yet. 

I think the times that we do our best thinking is right before we go to sleep.  You have the whole day to reflect on the bad, the good, and the ugly.  We learn something each and every day...a new life lesson, a new discovery about yourself, maybe an insight into another person's world, maybe a little pebbly fact, or a step-up on how to do something better. 

When it comes down to it, all that matters is finding a way to sleep at night, whether it's reading a meaningless book to which you will never remember the most important facts or lessons taught from it or a disgusting solid colored pill that is about as big as a pinky finger which is supposed to slow down your body.  A good night's sleep can fix almost anything.