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| been a long time...
So i realized today, and over the past week on a survey trip to Chicago, that i am actually living the life i always wanted to live. You know how people always do those lists of things that they "want to do before they die?" Well... i never made an actual list, but a few of those things are either finished and done with, or in the works to be done... things like
get a tattoo (or two...)
eat mexican food in mexico (and not get sick!) -- triple check
Be in my Lord's family
Meet my future husband
Get engaged
live by myself
become an artist. (believe it or not, that was something i thought i could never REALLY do...)
fall in love
like myself
surf
climb a mountain
plant a church.... this one is in the works!
learn from both the good and the bad
study people and how the interact (this one is completely ongoing...)
the list goes on and on...
but the odd thing to me is that i never really SET those goals (exception: mountain climbing... that you sort of have to set in advance), i just achieved them. They arent really extraordinary things, its just stuff i do. i paint, i read books, i am addicted to ER... i am passionate about my Lord. Sure, i still want to sky-dive, kayak, deep see fish, backpack across Europe, be a good mommy, adopt, stand in a rally for something i believe in politically... all that stuff and more. what i've come to realize, though, is not that i decide "i'm going to do that today." Its more that i just become exactly who i desire myself to be. i choose to follow the Lord, and do his will. that is the one thing i want to ultimately define me. This other stuff is what i do... this is my adventure. my life is my adventure.
i refuse to believe that Christians are supposed to shut themselves up in their little houses, never bother with the world around them, and just wait for the "lost sheep" of the world to come and knock on their doors. Why not go out and ride bikes with them if that is what they do... why not get politically involved if that is what people care about RIGHT NOW? seriously, the question i am posing might offend some. i suppose some would even venture to say that it is wrong to life the live i am living. i'm ok with that. i have come to realize that this is really the first time in the history of the world in which our value systems were so screwed up and different one from another that it actually matters to live out loud.
Dont misunderstand what i have said. it is not wrong at all to live our quiet lives. I believe it IS wrong to deny the culture shift around us, and to teach our children the same things our grandparents taught our parents. IT DOESN'T WORK ANY MORE. that is NOT to say that we were all taught demented versions of doctrine. on the contrary, doctrine is sound. when 85% of young people across the board (including myself) are refusing to enter the doors of the local church, i'd say the last thing we need is a ridged, rule-focused lifestyle that our kids CANNOT understand. hear this, if nothing else: you kids do not hear you. they don't understand what you say because they have a completely different world.
when you were young, your values that were taught a the dinner table, and the pulpit were reinforced in the community around you for the most part. In our society today, there is MORE outside influences on our kids than inside. For instance, most kids dont think cheating is wrong. This does not say "throw in the towel" OR "circle the wagons." i am pleading with everyone who is in a child's life to teach them truth in love. if you can't answer the easy questions (ie: why do you believe the Bible is true? fyi: "i know it in my heart" means nothing to your 15 year old), why would you think they'd come to you about abortion, homosexuality, equal rights... all that stuff.
Let me put it in perspective. I am in my early 20s. I have worked with children and teens in multiple ways since 1996. By the time i was 14, two close friends had already had abortions, three of my best friends were homosexual and i could not stand it when a man was picked over a woman to pray simply because he has a penis. If you think i automatically turned to mommy and daddy, you'd be wrong. If you think i talked to my youth minister about this stuff, you're wrong. I talked to no one. it was part of my world and i didnt think twice about it. Heres the shocker: I STILL DON'T. (don't hear {I think it's all ok} because i don't think that at all.) Here's the deal: all they had to offer was the rules, not the love. they had no real answers, they had no real advice. just "here's a scripture. don't do drugs." scare you? it should.
Your kids cognitively KNOW that they are loved. but for them, knowing something is true fundamentally does not make it true in their reality. it matters what they feel and perceive. you can't change that... you must act within it. not hard, just a change of plan. meet your kids where they are at, meet them all the way -- not half way. instill a sense of adventure in your kids. make that a goal you don't have to shoot for. make it who you are. instill a sense of love. of acceptance, of accountability. all of it.
love
nic
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| I have so many thoughts in my head that it almost makes updating hard to do! Thankfully, i am home for the holiday this week, and spending some wonderful and much needed time with friends and family.
I have a new hope today. Today, i visited my sister's best friend's family... they moved. downsized, actually. I was amazed at this family of four downsizing into a 2100 sq ft condo. granted, there are scraped hardwood floors and granite counters, but it is significantly smaller. maybe some people (southerners) are actually starting to realize that they DONT need all that space and stuff! i have to admit, one of my biggest fears for my life is to become what i saw in my home town as normal. What i mean by that is to buy the biggest and best house possible -- just to have the nicest house. (ie: keepin up with the jones')
The burning question i've always fought with was "is this lifestyle even ok?" My parents (kindof) live this way, as do most of my friend's families. Even i, for arguments sake, am guilty of this kind of materialistic consumerism. while, no... i can't see how i'd live without the internet, or my ipod, car, chacos, or favorite antik denim jeans... i still see the side of my lifestyle reflective of something greater than myself. so, all in all... i think it can be summed up in that when the bible warns against the love of money, in our day and age, it can also very much mean material stuff. when our possessions bear the wight of who we are, that is what we become. i mean, would you rather be known as the mac-using, anything-but-starbucks-latte, itunes junkie with the latest gadgets.... or, yeah, she's got some of those things, but that isnt want defines her. What defines her is her compassion, her love, her faithfulness. (gracious, i've just described buttercup off princess bride... "her enduring faithfulness..." -- sorry, 80s movie addict) I don't know about you, but i'd much rather be described as such.
I do not so much want to label myself a Christian, as i wish to have others label me as such. Gandhi said that he was fond of Christ, but not so much Christians because they do not live as He lived. I agree with Gandhi -- and i am guilty of being this "christian" who does not reflect the Lord at all. What's more, is that early christians didn't label themselves, instead they were labeled. i figure that i'll just follow my best 100% every day no matter what to be His, and hey... i'll just let others do the finger pointing. i realize that following Christ has its price, and (this scares me a bit!!) i am ready to rise up to that. if all i lived for was my not-starbucks coffee, and my ipod, then i wouldnt have much of a future, would i? Instead, i am going to choose not to let all of my "stuff" define me. "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. "
Happy thanksgiving,
nic
ps: madonna used the words of Christ in her Confessions tour. it AMAZES me how God insists on being glorified even through secular means. BTW, everyone please go check out www.clintonfoundation.com. "whatever you did for the least of these, you did for me." thats a beautiful thought. (sidenote: i am a madonna fan. think what you will...)
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| Hello. I am very excited because my boyfriend is in town visiting me this weekend. I am very blessed to have a man of God like him even in my life. He is the most encouraging, steadfast man i've ever known.
God has taught me many things this week. The most important, i believe, is that i rediscovered my love for the actual study of theology layered on top of history and philosophy. God is so good to reveal to us things that we are not looking for, have never asked for and do not expect. He reminded me the value in learning theology is NOT to become self-righteous or sufficient, but instead to value the thinking and teaching of those wiser than myself AND to realize that "theologizing" and having the right answers does not save me. It is by the grace of the Living God that I live -- not weather or not i can tell you St. Augustine's position on the Trinity. It amazes me, though, how in the denomination in which i grew up, I was never taught the historical reasons for what i was taught -- just that it was "right" and everyone else was wrong. I realize now, and with great humility, that a vast wisdom comes from the study of theology. the wisdom is simply that which Paul preached over and over again: we are saved through grace, not our ability to follow rules. While i love that we have great theologians over the course of the past 2000 years, i am thankful that we have these Faith shakers to explain so much of what i just dont understand well on my own. The issue i take is not in the study itself-- or even the pursuit of knowledge -- but more with the fact that there are people out there who have a sick, issue based theology and in my opinion, that kind of living is directly in disaccord with with Jesus came to establish. He chastised the pharisees for tithing just the right amount of everything but leaving the heart. i feel that there is a balance between the study of theology (and communicating that study and the history behind it to those to whom we minister) and the heart of service and love that Christ lived daily. He did study, he did know... and he basically said come to Him and he will give us what we need.
I honestly dont know what i am trying to say. well, i do, but i fear it would turn into a novel. I have no thesis for what i am so passionate about, but i am going to keep trying to get through my head what is in my heart. For those of you who read, please please hear this: i am asking for balance but, not diminishing the importance of disciplines or the pursuit of grace. simply balance. i have a great many thoughts in my head all jumbled over recent conversations of the week. I am tired, but i keep running...
sounds an awful lot like 2nd Corinthians 4...
But we have this treasure in Jars of Clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed...
Blessings,
Nic
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| This morning i was deeply blessed by a church i am going to be attending in the coming year. God is incredibly good to his kids. Today, for the first time in my LIFE i heard a lesson on the nature and purpose of the Holy Spirit. It is not the content of this message that amazed me. it was the fact that this class had devoted themselves to studying this subject for the past EIGHT WEEKS! A church of Christ who not only pursues the Spirit, but its nature and does it humbly with God, all the while knowing they cannot ever begin to truly understand. For a church to actually seek the answers to the hard questions was such an encouragement to me. God taught me things in this lesson, but they are being processed in my head. I wouldn't even dare trying to repeat this amazing lesson.
The lesson i can attempt to repeat was this morning's sermon. I came in 1/2 way through the book of James, on a subject that i have poured over-- Wisdom. James 3:13-18
Read through the passage. Read it and think of every single part of it. What describes you? What describes your parents? your friends? I have to believe that peace-makers are actually aggressive about this peace. The wisdom of the word destroys relationships, but the wisdom of Heaven restores them. This peace-making is aggressive in restoring relationships and bringing people to reconciliation. We are the mouthpiece of God, and we, by his power, can bring about this change. However, we are not the ones who are to judge, or even bring guilt on people. We are called to love. called to heal, to help and to hold these people -- one another -- in high esteem. we are called to live out that kind of wisdom we find in James. It is the life of a seeming paradox.
God bless you,
nic
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| Tonight, i was deeply blessed. I am having some trouble with my future in-laws, but i was reassured in the most unusual way tonight that it was going to be just fine because i put my hope in the Lord.
I am a college student, and in my class this evening, i was blessed by a wonderful teacher. We have been studying the book of philippians. This is one of my favorite books, so i usually read it all in one sitting, however, in this class, we're taking it verse by verse. it is wonderful and so valuable to patiently discover the word. In any event, she decided that instead of doing class tonight, we would expand on our devo, pray and get out of there. She is the greatest inspiration i've found at my university, and i am very blessed to have such a woman in my life. We studied chapter 4:11-the end. That was uplifting to be sure, but the personal, recent testimony of the classmates was the pinnacle of the day.
We have some "real" adults in our class -- with kids and families and jobs etc. They bring a wisdom that i seek after daily. One man has not been a Christian for long, and told us of his struggle right now. He is dealing with a guy bullying his son. He said, "Just because i am old doesn't mean i've been a Christian for very long." He said that in the past, the bully would end up in the hospital, and he'd be in jail. Since putting on Christ, he has been learning a new value system. He is doing it gladly, and with the most beautiful sincere heart, but none the less, he is struggling to learn the humility it takes to do things God's way. The Lord says to love those who hate us.
In that moment, i was encouraged in my own personal battle right now. Satan is waging a war between my deep desire to serve the Lord in all I do, and (with very good reason to) pursue my own desires for acceptance and love. While we are all called to love and respect, we are not called to step outside the bounds of our walk with the Lord. Since mine looks more like a trek over the mountains most days, that means treading where I fear to go. That is, deeper into my self -- to actually stare myself in the face and do what the man in class did: let go in humility that says "God, you've got this and i trust that." Because i trust my future spouse, i trust that he will rise up, too, in the most gentle and loving way possible, and do what need be done. (that does not mean my own agenda, it means the Lords.) I am so blessed to be in love with a man who is so wise beyond his years. He trusts in the Lord so much that i have full faith in him. For me, that is my struggle: To trust the one i love with my heart, my passion, and my life.
They say that repentance of a pure nature is healing. I dont know that i am "repenting" in the conventional way, but to admit my struggles is liberating. To say, "God, i yield to you my life" is more than just sitting on a pew, being comfortable. It means that when someone abuses your child, you protect them God's way. Not your way. It means that when someone judges you for whatever reason, you rise up to follow God and his ways, not your own (however justifiable) retaliation. For my friend, it means being patient, and mentoring his son in the ways of Christ and his disciples. For me, it means to carry myself above reproach on every single level. It means that i refuse to get angry and give the Devil a foothold in my life or theirs. It means that I am patient, kind, and extremely humble; constantly mindful of the love of my life, and his family.
I pray that Jesus is active in your life tonight. Whomever might read this, and the thousands who won't... you were prayed for tonight while i wrote this. I have this crazy idea that if we actually pray, devoting ourselves to communicating with God, that lives can be changed. Crazy, that is, by the world's standards. I don't live by those.
God bless you,
Nic
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