Mr. 36

Another week gone by, another few people who found out about my ACT score.  Everyone always tells me that it's something of which I should be proud not ashamed. If they only understood...

It's not that I'm ashamed of my ACT score. Quite the contrary, I am proud that I was able to accomplish something that so few do. However, as yet another person whom I had just met came around calling me "Mr. Perfection", it finally started to get to me. I really don't care if people know about it; I only wish that it wasn't the only thing that most people knew about me. Walking around campus, I'll have people come up to me and ask, "Hey, aren't you the kid who got the 36?" "Yeah, that was me," I'll reply, trying to be humble and not really sure what to say, especially if it's someone I've never met. They'll usually then tell me what they got. And what am I supposed to reply to that. Um...sorry? It's always just really awkward, mainly because I don't know them and can't change the conversation.

I hate that it's the only thing people know about me because of all the connotations that it contains. I must be a braniac, some really smart kid who does nothing but study all the time. What did the test really prove? That I know how to take a test. Seriously. I have friends at MVNU who have a 4.0 and got much lower scores than what I did.

All of my life I've been the smart kid. That's the way people knew me. My nickname for a good portion of middle and high school was "Einstein". It was flattering at times, to say the least, but my intelligence also led to a great deal of emotional stress. Many people whose friendship I sought used me for their benefit; I had a lot of occasional friends. They would be incredibly nice when I was helping them out, but once they'd gotten the test score they needed, I was just another person. And it hurt. So often I longed to fit in, longed to be the athlete, longed to be popular.

I thought all of that was behind me when I arrived at college. Don't get me wrong, it's not been nearly what it was. But at times, it still bothers me. It's frustrating that so many people know nothing more about me than a stupid number, a fairly invaluable statistic. I'd rather them know who I am, what I think, for what I stand; my likes and dislikes. Anything really. I just want people to know ME. Not what I've done. 36 is a number. I'm a person. Please learn this.

I don't know how much longer  I can handle living here. As long as I have to put up with him, my life will continue to be a living hell.

A little frustrated...

I'm not gonna lie...I'm tired and frustrated tonight. Tired physically, yes. But also mentally and emotionally.

I'm tired of people being dishonest with me. I know that I've lost a friendship that seems like it's not worth the effort I've put in to it. I feel like I've tried- perhaps I've not given a full out effort, but I've tried. And when your efforts aren't matched, why keep trying. I just keep watching said person continue to make poor decisions and then lie about them "to my face". Ok, so that part is slightly off since I haven't seen the person or talked to the person in...oh, say, a solid three months? But to our mutual friends and those whom I trust most, the person has lied. This is getting difficult. And the only people who read this probably already know the person to whom I am referring. He's basically beign a douche. No, that's the wrong word. To be a douche, you have to be repeatedly mean to someone over a period of time. Um...maybe a...any of the words that are coming to mind are totally ineffective or are words that don't pass my lips...or fingers.

Another thing that has been frustrating me recently is the great number of my friends and/or acquaintances...I don't even know what to call them...but anyway...who have been abusing alcohol. I suppose I'm slightly passionale about this for a lot of reasons. Both my father and all three of his children from previous marriage were alcoholics, and I had to see a great deal of that throughout the years. I've seen bright and promising friends lose scholarships, flunk out of college, get pregnant, and be involved in serious car accidents due to the influence of alcohol in their lives. It's not even a faux pas anymore. Even graduation parties of students from the Christian high school that I attended had alcohol at them; I know it was only the parents, and many of them didn't get drunk, but the availability of the alcohol still disturbed me.

I'm tired of seeing people about whom I care so deeply hurt themselves so badly. I'm tired of seeing the pictures of beer can towers and glazed looks and empty cups. I'm tired of hungover teammates. I'm tired of the lies. I'm tired of all the crap.

A Long Time...

So, once again, it's been a long time since I've posted on here. And I can't believe how the time has flown. An entire year of college has passed by me. An entire year. Technically, I'm a junior now, though for all practical purposes, I'm a sophomore. That's so hard to believe. Now that I'm home for the summer, I really wish I was back. As much as I complained about dorm life- and yes, having no true personal space did  kinda suck- I miss all of my friends. I miss being able to walk down the hall at this time during a random night and walk into someone's room and just chill for a little while. I miss the comaraderie, the friendships that I built. Overall, I suppose that I miss being in a place in which almost everything was already done. While I was at school, I didn't have to make too many decisions, I didn't have too many responsibilities, I didn't have to worry too much about things.

At school, I didn't have to deal with all of the crap back here at home. I don't know that I really wanna go into it on here. It's not really something I talk about alot. I try to act like none of it affects me; it does. I'm trying- slowly albeit- to be more open aobut the situation. As for now though, I'd really covet everyone's prayers.

So, it's been forever since I've posted on here...actually, since the last time I was in this house. Interesting. I'm back at the Haynes' house in South Carolina, visiting my favorite people in the world. It's been a blast so far...gonna be down here til Thursday morning, then back home for the last few days of spring break.

College has been wonderful so far. There have been ups and downs, but all in all I've definitely been having a wonderful time. More to come later.

Hope everyone is doing well. I miss you all dearly.