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| So in love...I am so in love with Anthony I don't know what to do with myself. This year is the best year ever so far. And it's all because of him. I just can't stop thinking about him. Every moment I'm with him is like the first moment we were ever together, every kiss is like the first, every time he holds me in his arms I could just die of happiness and love. I LOVE BEING IN LOVE! I love it sooooooo much! And I love him. Last weekend we had the party and without him helping me it would've been a disaster, but it was AMAZING because he cares so much and he made it be perfect. And then the day after that it was just me and Anthony all day long and all night long together all by ourselves at my house and it felt like we were living together and it was the best feeling in the world. I love this boy so much more than he'll ever know. I am one hundred percent completely head over heels in love with everything about him. On Thursday after school we took a road trip to Steiner Ranch! And I showed him everything, my old house, Steiner Ranch Elementary school, Lakeway, the lake, Mansfield Dam, Chynna and Diamond's house, 4 points HEB, Stephanie's house, the cattle gaurds, left low street, the park, the Oasis, the honey tree, EVERYTHING. It was an amazing night. Simply ah-maz-ing. I can't believe how good it felt to be in my favorite place with my favorite person. I felt like cyring out in happiness. Anyways, since we moved away every time we've visited it's really happy and exciting, but at the same time it's overbearingly sad and tears always well up in my eyes when we drive away from my house down the street and I know it's just gonna be a lot more years until the next time I come back. But this time it wasn't even sad at all. Because I'm a senior, which means I might be back in that house as soon as next year. So when we were at Steiner Ranch, there was a thing going on inside for boy scouts so the doors were open and we went inside. The last time I was inside there was seven years ago when I was 10. It smelled the same, it felt the same, it was the same old Steiner Ranch I'd always loved. Then we went into the cafeteria and there were all these Steiner Ranch shirts hanging up on the wall. So I walked out of the cafeteria and when I was by the front doors to leave I noticed Anthony wasn't behind me. I looked around and suddenly he came walking up really fast with something in his hands and he said, "Let's go." So I said okay and we left. When we got back in the car he held up a grey and blue Steiner Ranch shirt and said he'd ripped it off the wall for me. I hugged the shirt and kissed him and smiled the biggest smile I had. Perfect is the only word I can think of to describe that night. And when we were driving away and I was sad he said, "Don't worry, next year I'll take you back here. Only then it will be to stay." And I could've cried in pure joy. I pretty much have everything I ever wanted. One year from now I could be sitting in the living room of 3113 Fritz Hughes Park Road holding hands with the love of my life, Anthony, planning our trip to Chicago while drinking Sonic Apple Juice Slushes and watching the Simpsons.
Where did I go right?
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| I am freaking outttttt.It's 10:05am and I am freaking out about the party tonight. So far every thing's still go, but if my parents don't leave on time that will screw everything up. Also the guy supplying my party with alcohol fell through and now I have no idea what to do. Help meeeeeeeeeeeee! More updates later, as tonight dwells closer.
It's now 10:20am and I've decided the only way to get this party rolling and organized is to break the day up into objectives. The objective of right now is to get my parents to leave as soon as possible. Once they're gone, the objective will become figuring out a sure-fire plan to get alcohol. Lot's of alcohol. And after we've got that all worked out, the objective will become getting my house ready to partay! But right now I must focus on the surrent objective: my family leaving. So I'm gonna go help them as much as I can so they can get ready. Another update later as the next objective approaches.
It's 2:41pm now and my family is pissing me off SO MUCH! They were supposed to leave at 10am, and they still have not left! Agh! Other than that I think everything will be fine as long as they just get out of here! Brittani, Michael, Anthony and his "set up crew" people are all in town just waiting for me to give them the go ahead. As soon as my people leave I'll text them and they'll be here to help me set up and get ready. Anthony's friends I think are gonna come through with the alcohol. I sure hope so. And apparently a shitload of people are coming. But the house still looks horrible and the more time my family spends here, the less time I have to clean the house before the party. So this is really annoying me that they won't go away. Also I keep nonchalantly cleaning just to get a few minor cleaning things done and Cassie and Nick keep obliviously undoing them. Agh... And also surprise surprise Krissy bailed on me again. She says she can't come tonight because her granny is in the hospital and their family has to go to Dallas to see her. Personally I don't really beileve her because she always makes up excuses for why she can't hang out with me even on a normal day, but who knows? So I'm planning on driving by her house later to see if she's there or not. She probably will be there and I'm not sure if I should just go in and drag her out or just not say anything and just be mad at her for a while because she knows how important this is to me and she knows how much I need her help and if she really just didn't want to come, she could at least tell me the truth instead of always making things up. But if it turns out her granny really is sick and they're not there, I'm gonna feel really bad. But I don't think that's really the case. Anywho, in the meantime I guess I'll keep trying to get this current objective; plan: get parents out of the house, to finally be done. Ugh it's taking forever. :[ Update later. Soon, hopefully.
3:27pm now. The parents are still here and driving me INSANE. Mom got my progress report in the mail and suddenly decides that instead of getting ready to leave for the beach she needs to talk to me for 30 minutes about what a failure I am. Okay mom, totally not hurting my feelings, just annoying me that she finds this more important than leaving the god damned house! I mean really, she tells me how much of a failure I am every day, she doesn't need to spend time on it today. I wish they would just leave. I am about to scream if they don't leave soon. Update later, hopefully they will be long gone by my next update. They say their estimated time of departure will be 4pm. Yeah, right.
It is now 5:03pm. My irritating family is STILL HERE! WHAT. THE. FUCK. This is pissing me off sooooooooo incredibly much. And another thing, Anthony's friends are of course, falling through. And the alcohol, if we even can get any, isn't going to be here until at least midnight! And the party starts at 10! This is a HUGE disaster! Don't know what I'm going to do but hopefully my family will leave fucking soon! I am trying my hardest not to scream my lungs out right now but I am MAD!!!
5:26pm. Still aren't gone. Mad isn't even the right word for what I'm feeling anymore.
5:49pm. THEY'RE GONE! And now Brittani and Michael are racing Anthony, Nick and Nando who are all down at the lake together right now back up to my house. wonder who will get here first? This is so exciting! Update later!
5:52pm. Brittani and Michael won. They were back to back. Haha.
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| I wish...I wish there was some way for me to talk to Anthony right now.
I miss him. :[
But there's virtually no way for me to possibly talk to him.
School is lonely.
Has walking by myself in the halls always been so sad?
I could never get used to that again.
Even one day is bad enough.
I just wanna talk to him, I just wanna hear his voice.
I miss him and I wish he'd talk to me.
He always makes everything better, why did I take that for granted?
I wish he'd be in school tomorrow so I could hug him and feel his arms around me and smell his shirt and lose all negativity whenever I hug him and fall into his arms just like always. And I wish he would kiss me eight times before every class and I wish I could see those big brown eyes and hear his amazing laugh. I wish he'd come into Mr. Wasson's class and steal my Reeses Pieces. I wish he'd hold my hand so I could run my finger over his hand while we walk through the halls like I always do and pull him closer whenever other people look at us because I'm just so damn happy to be with him and I want to show "us" off to everyone. I wish I could hear the words "I love you" before and after every class starts to calm my nerves and make me not feel so alone. I wish I could look forward to seeing his beautiful face after every class. I wish I could know that he'll walk into Math Models tomorrow even if he's late. I wish I could have the satisfaction of being able to tell Nando that "he'll be here." tomorrow when he asks "where is Chicago?" I feel empty without him. I know it's dumb and I'm making it sound like he's dead or something, but this is how in love with him I am that even one day without him at school and a couple days of not hearing his voice makes me feel...
I miss him. 
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| Weekends Like This. [Caution: Extreme levels of sarcasm in this post]Lonely. I am so lonely. I have nobody. To call my own.
Ugh. I am so lonely. My mom said I could have the car and go do basically whatever. I've got a full tank of gas and she even said she'd give me some money. And I now have 2 working cellular devices. My dumb phone [the Cingular one] and my Sidekick [T-mobile] the only thing is that I'm using the Cingular one for calling and I'm using the T-Mobile one for texting. Kinda cool. I missed my Sidekick a lot. And I missed texting a lot. But none of that is any good because I have no one to be with. :[ So I called Krissy because she promised she's hang out with me this weekend. But of course she couldn't. She can never hang out. So then I called Chels but she's grounded and she won't tell me why she's grounded either. Very suspicious. Meagan and Casey just said they were all three grounded because "they can't be trusted". I wonder what they did. But it doesn't matter because neither of them can hang out. And of course Brittani's out of the question. It used to be that she could only hang out on special occasions. My birthday, Christmas, summertime, spring break, etc. But now she can't even come down here for things like that anymore because precious little Michael won't let her. Hm, so maybe I should hang out with Sam? Oh wait! That's right, Sam moved to NORTH CAROLINA! Brilliant. Don't ya just love "best friends" who are always there for you? They're so great! And who knows what my boyfriend's up to right now? Last night was the absolute third worst night of my entire life and it was for a lot more reasons than missing the game due to my wonderful mom. Nope, that was just the icing on the cake. But of course it did make me really sad too. Everyone else was out having fun on a Friday night while I'm at home lying in my bed all by myself. Why am I always the one left out? Anyways so then my night keeps escalating into worse and worse things which I don't want to talk about on Xanga and finally at 12:30am Anthony calls. :] I thought my night would start to get better. But instead of getting better, it just got worse. All he had to say was how amazingly awesome the game was and how it was a game that wouldn't ever happen again and how much fun he and everyone else was having without me. Then he said he'd call em when he woke up but I asked if he could call when he got home [because he was at Whataburger with everyone else... It's funny how I ALWAYS wanna go to Whataburger after the games but he never wants to until I'm not there... ): That kinda made my night a whole lot worse...] So we hang up before I can even say "Bye" but I don't think anything of it because he'll call around 1am. Well at 1am I was watching That 70's Show and staring at the clock. At 1:30am I was doing the same thing, while holding the phone tightly in my hands and turning it on to make sure there was still a dial tone every few minutes and feeling like a loser. The next thing I know I'm waking up at 4:35am with the phone still in my hands and the TV still on. Everything was just like it was. So I went out into the driveway to see if my mom was home yet [she left at 7pm without telling anyone that she was leaving and without taking a phone and not only was I worried about her, but also I was in a lot of pain and needed to go to the hospital because of something I won't go into on here. But anyways the point was that I was waiting all night long for my mom to come home and as of 1:45 when I think I fell asleep she still wasn't home.] but when I went out into the driveway the car was there. But miraculously by that time the thing that I needed to go to the hospital wasn't that bad anymore even though it still hurt. So I hung up the phone and got in my bed and couldn't get to sleep until 6am because I was still in pain. But finally I fell asleep and this morning I woke up at 11am. I don't know why I woke up so early I just did. So I got up and got on the computer waiting for Anthony to call. But now it's 7:51pm and Anthony never called. And no one can hang out. So that's that. I'm all alone again. This has to be the worst weekend since last fall. I take that back. Even last fall when I was in the worst part of my life ever, weekends were still somewhat fun because I would go out and party. Now I don't even talk to my old party friends that much anymore. All I want is a couple friends who are always surrounding me and motivating me to wake up and get out of bed. To get up early and stay out late. People who would never let me spend a night at home. Friends who would find a way to sneak me out of my house and get me to a game in Temple. Friends who wouldn't have fun without me. Friends who would talk their parents into letting them hang out with me. Friends who would tell their boyfriend to go to hell when he says they can't come down for homecoming. Friends who would sneak out and hang with me instead of just accepting being grounded for 5 months. Friends who would actually think about how I feel, the outsider. The girl who lives in Jonestown and can't have fun. And I can't help thinking that even though I hate Michael for being so clingy and usurping my place in Brittani's life, I can't help but think that he'd never let Brittani go through a weekend like this without even so much as a call every now and then. Maybe that's why Brittani loves him so much. I wish I had friends like that. Because maybe if I had friends like that, I wouldn't have weekends like this...
[Update: it's now 1:51pm on Sunday, and Anthony still hasn't called or made one attempt to get in touch with me yet this whole weekend. I was worried sick last night wondering if he got in a car accident and I almost started crying. But then I decided to go check his Myspace and it said his last login was 9/14/08. Aka, today. So obviously he's just not talking to me. I don't really know if there's something I did wrong, but I'm not really that paranoid about it because I'm assuming he just has better things to do with his weekend than talk to me or acknowledge me in any way. Brittani was shocked when I told her this, Brittani was even shocked when I told her that Anthony went to the game without me. Brittani thinks I shouldn't put up with this and break up with him. But I know I can't do that. Sometimes he's the best boyfriend in the whole wide world. And sometimes he makes me feel like I don't exist... Which is the exact same feeling I always got from Taylor. So there's only one conclusion I've come to. The worst guy in the world [Taylor] made me feel invisible. But if even the best guy in the world [Anthony] makes me feel invisible there's only one reason I can think of. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. I don't know what, but obviously I have to change. It's not like it's a surprise that something's wrong with me, it just makes me sad because I'm really trying to be a normal person. Obviously though if my best friends and my own boyfriend want nothing to do with me, I'm not trying hard enough.]
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| This isn't the worst night of my life.But it is a really terrible one. I want my mom to come home because I think I'm dying and she needs to take me to the hospital. But she left without telling anyone where she was going and without taking dad's phone. She left at 7pm. Now it's 10:24pm and I don't know what I'm gonna do. I am in dier pain and I don't know why. Something is horribly wrong with me and I have absolutely no one to take care of me. Even Anthony is gone. He's at the football game that I was supposed to be at with all my friends in Temple. Yeah, I could've had a great Friday night like everybody else my age but instead I'm sitting at home in a lot of pain, probably gradually getting worse, no idea when or if my mom will be home, no idea where she is, lonely with no one to talk to, and worried beyond belief about everything. I don't know what to do. Someone please help me. Oh my god I don't even know what I'm typing right now. I think I'm delirious and I feel light headed. Someone please help me. I don't even know why I'm writing a xanga post about this. I feel really dizzy. I tried to sit in the driveway and wait for my mom to get home but the driveway was hard and I was crying and then I tried to wait in my room but the lights were too bright and I felt uncomfortable in there. So now I'm doing the only thing that will ever calm me down in life, spilling all my problems out on xanga. Gosh and I keep staring out the window imagining I'm seeing my moms headlights but I never am. And I think I remember why I'm on here now anyways. I wanted something to keep me occupied and keep my mind off the pain until my mom gets home but it's not really working. I don't know I guess it it. But I feel like I'm about to fall over. Even though I'm sitting in a chair. I'm having trouble breathing now and also I can't even get up and get a drink of water even though I'm SO thirsty but I can't because I can't walk because of the pain. Ow my head aches too. I think the pain is causing a lot of these other things that are wrong too. I need help!!!! ))): oh my god help me help me help me pleeeeease. why won't my mom come home? i feel like i cant make it much longer. ouch i nee help right awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy please help me ple | | |
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