No Looking Back

"Fall seven times, stand up eight."  - Japanese proverb

Currently Listening Pete Seeger's Greatest Hits By Pete Seeger Turn Turn Turn see related

"These are the times that try men's souls..."

Thomas Paine, Common Sense. I read that one quote over and over again in my junior year of high school, the most trying time yet.

And now I have to articulate how something like that stunted me emotionally and mentally for my personal statement to be sent to law schools. Suddenly I'm not so sure if i'm over the whole thing or ever was. Maybe I never will be. I just wish I wouldn't get so caught up in the past and attribute many of my accomplishments to "my heyday". The best thing is to gain strength from it and promise never to let that happen again. Or so i've comforted myself.

But was it entire voluntary? I'll never psychologically know. Just like my friendships. I may have some control when it comes to that. I've been both a good and bad friend. I miss two people right now, my two best friends. Why can't I just put  my pride aside and call them? It's hard for me, but I just can't. They've both hurt me in different ways, but they still mean alot to me. My sister above all. Then the other one..

Will all the things I've ever wanted actually start to happen? Financial stability? Graduation? Grad school? Love? Solid friendships?

Some of the more abstract things are beyond my control. For those that aren't, I suppose life "is what you make it". Plus a little bit of luck thrown in for good measure...

Edit: 3:40 a.m. - I keep forgetting how strong I really am. It's only after having read some of my previous Xanga posts dated from way back in freshman year that I remember how much I've been through. I should be proud of myself. And have more faith knowing i'm changing for the better.

"Whatever it takes, I know I can make it through..."

Xanga Survey

So at dear Heidi's behest, I'm taking the liberty to fill out this survey. That and the fact that I'm extremely bored and nothing's on tv.

Name: Maria

Xanga URL: www.xanga.com/trueblue4293

Age: 21

Gender: Female

Location (City, State, Country): New York, U.S.A.

In a Relationship? (Married, Engaged, Girlfriend/ Boyfriend, Single?): Single

Pets: the kids I babysit

Children: None

Brothers / Sisters: 2 brothers, 2 sisters...all older

Job: I need to find one. Thanks for the reminder, by the way.

Study: English and History in college

Hobbies: Reading, writing, playing guitar, listening to music, watching old 80's sitcoms, dancing

Religion: Agnostic...and I don't really believe in organized religion.

Illnesses: Asthma, which is nothing new, since 90% of NYC's population has this.

Interesting Facts About You: 1) I do a great Cartman impression 2) I do a great Kermit the Frog impression 3) I'm a very weird person, evidently, haha.

If anyone is intrigued or wants to know more, send me a message on AIM at trueblue4217.

Currently Listening The Best Of Chicago 40th Anniversary By Chicago If You Leave Me Now see related

"Ben" there, done that

I came across a picture of Ben a little while ago. It's amazing the emotions and memories that come with just the sight of a person's face, especially if it was someone you were smitten with. Ben Billings...I could've sworn it was just yesterday when he first made me laugh, the little private jokes we shared, and even the first tinges of jealousy I felt when he and my sister started getting to know each other. I was only 17 then, and he 25. It wouldn't have been a healthy relationship anyway...or legal, for that matter.

It all felt so nice and good, getting to know each other and chatting when I should've been doing my Geometry homework or studying for Chemistry. But we had some serious Chemistry as well, or so I thought. He turned me on in a way I can't describe, but to this day, I'm remain bitter about what happened. A few years later, my sister brought him up in an innocuous conversation, and I sneered and scowled as my face mirrored my anger at what he'd done to me, how he lied to me about his age and how he led me on. He hurt me. I promised myself I wouldn't let another Ben happen to me.

Still...I liked him alot. I won't lie to myself about that. And I was very much attracted to him. I'm just glad how I found out in time that he wasn't worth it. They usually never are.

Currently Reading House Made of Dawn By N. Scott Momaday see related

Law and Disorder

The LSAT is in approximately 10 hours. In the past 4 weeks, my feelings about this dreaded law school acceptance exam have gone from intense psychotic episodes of Noel-esque freak-out moments to dangerous indifference.

Current emotion? Annoyed. My dad's been making such a big deal about this stupid test that I just want to get it over with already. No desperate amount of last-minute preparation will prepare me for this test. What's done is done. I did the best I could under the conditions. If I make in into some law school, I'll be extremely proud of myself and owe much of it to dumb luck. If I don't, I won't beat myself up about it. It wasn't easy attempting to prepare for this test when a) my baby nephew's colicky tantrums destroyed many a quiet attempt to study b) I only had about a month to prepare c) tempers frequently flared at my dysfunctional family's house and much recently when d) my 32 year-old cousin passed away from breast cancer Tuesday.

Not that I'm about to justify my potentially poor performance on the exam with excuses. It just doesn't matter to me in that huge, life-altering, make-it-or-break-it way anymore. So what if i do or don't do well? At the end of the day, I still have my life, my health, and many other opportunities. It is, after all, just a dumb test.

Currently Watching M*A*S*H - Season One (Collector's Edition) see related