tubby_sue's Xanga

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 23:05:17 GMT

Well, I went today for my a meeting with diabetes educator at my hospital. All in all it was a very informative meeting, and the nurse I met with was very nice. She was about my age (25) and seemed very down to earth. To tell you the truth, I was kind of worried it was going to be someone who was going to give me a bunch of lectures about being overweight and stuff. I am so glad that wasn’t the case.

However, when I got home tonight, I found myself really in a funk. I had to really sit down and examine my emotions before I realized what was bothering me.

As I was waiting to see the educator I was in this waiting room of the part of the hospital that treats diabetics, particularly for wounds that aren’t healing properly. As I sat there filling out my paperwork I couldn’t help but notice what poor shape the people around me were in. They were almost all elderly, but they were in such bad health. It looked like a nursing room waiting room or something filled with people in wheel chairs and people with bandaged legs who could hardly walk. I also noticed a lot of them were overweight.

It wasn’t until I got home that I started to realize why they got to me. While the information the nurse gave me was very informative, it was also packed full of warnings about what can happen if you take care of yourself. I plan on doing so, but there’s always that fear that I won’t be able to stick it out, you know? And it was pretty hard denying the results of not taking care of myself. One day I would end up in a wheelchair or unable to get around myself!

I thought I was pretty well adjusted to the idea of having diabetes, but I think I’ve just begun to really understand all that it encompasses. After all, I’ve only been diagnosed for a month and half now. It just seems so discouraging to have it at such a young age. BUT, at least I found out very early in the disease (7.5 AC1 – avg. 170 sugars). The nurse said most diabetics have the disease 6-10 years before they are ever officially diagnosed. Yikes! Praise the Lord for helping me find out practically by accident when a coworker checked my sugar and saw it was 286.

Well, I suppose I’ve rattled on long enough. Time for bed.

God Bless!

Sam

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 18:04:27 GMT

Well a lot has happened since the last time I posted on here. I found out about a month and a half ago that I have Type II Diabetes. Since then it has become apparent to me that losing weight is no longer a choice if I want to live to be old and gray.

I've lost 14 pounds so far which is exciting. I did awesome out of the starting gate, perhaps motivated by fear and meds that made me very sick at my stomach. Now I've been slowing down, making poorer food choices. I'm getting refocused though. I have too!

Sparkpeople message boards have really been awesome for me. If you've never been to sparkpeople, you should. It's amazing!

Go to www.sparkpeople.com and join. It's completely free and more amazing than any other diet website out there, even the paid ones! :)

Look me up when you get there. My user name is skinny_sam.

God Bless!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 22:59:22 GMT

The scale is down 3 pounds!

I did okay today. 750 calories MORE than I should have eaten. I blame this entirely on the chicken (make that fried chicken) club sandwhich from Sonic. I had it all planned out - was going to order a grilled chicken wrap. When I did, they said their machine was broken. Uh... I guess the machine that cooks the "wrap" part? Anyway, I panicked and ordered the club. (Duh... I coulda got the grilled chicken sandwhich).

Breakfast - 2 cups apple jacks, 1 cup milk

Lunch - Ham sandwhich on wheat w/mustard, baked chips, 8 oz. coke

Dinner - Sonic Club and motzerella sticks AND DR PEPPER. :( (YIKES)

Snacks (throughout the day) - Lowfat cheese, Payday candy bar (I was feeling dizzy - needed sugar?), kudos granola bar

Water - 6 cups (oops!)

Oh well. It was okay I guess. There's always tomorrow. :)

MOTIVATION FOR THE DAY: To fit in seats comfortably, without WORRYING first.

NON-SCALE VICTORY: Passing up Shake's frozen custard, the traditional after church on Wednesday night snack. Go me!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 00:22:33 GMT

Well, I did okay today. I went 900 calories over my sparkpeople limit, but I'm super proud by the fact that I logged down EVERYTHING. I think that's an important first step.

My main downfall today was lack of planning. Tuesday is my INSANE day at work, the day in which I put together the newspaper (I'm a newspaper editor). I never know what time I'm going to get off work. It could be 5 p.m. or 10 p.m., like tonight. I packed plenty of snacks, but they were all carb based. I had a salad for lunch and half a ham sandwhich with not a lot of meat on it. I got really hungry not long after lunch but had no PROTEIN to snack on. I started craving heavy food like crazy. Because I was hoping I wouldn't work so late I didn't bring supper. I broke down and grabbed the two cheeseburger meal through the McDevil drive through. There's no other place to eat where I work. It's literally the only fast food place. I should have planned better.

Still, I'm proud of myself for not going off the deep end. :)

Yeah, me.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 19:14:14 GMT

Hi Xanga friends. Sorry I've been away so long. Thanks for leaving me notes anyway. You guys are all awesome.

As most of you probably guessed, my silence has been mainly because I've been "off the wagon" so to speak. However, this weekend was a turning point for me. So, here I am again. Back on the beaten path, lifting my face toward heaven and praying for the strength to continue on this time.

I've been struggling terribly with my asthma and I KNOW it's because of all the weight I've gained back. Then there's the matter of buying a size 28W. Oh my gosh. I felt so ashamed!

I had to go to a conference last weekend and came to face to face with every "tubby" person's fear: small seats. We were in this room with ampitheatre type seating, kind of like movie theatre seats but with the desk that folds down on top. The only way I could manage it was to sit in the very outside seat and lean toward the open area. I blamed it on my "claustraphobia," but it was mortifying. Then hubby and I went to eat out this past weekend at a CROWDED restaurant. I was so afraid that they were going to put us in a booth we couldn't fit in. The Lord took care of us though. We got this little two seater booth that was movable, unlike all the other booths which were stationary.

I HATE that feeling of panic, worrying you're not going to be able to FIT into a seat. That's one fear someone should never have. I AM going to overcome this. I AM going to be "skinny" again.

I CAN DO ALL THINGS thorough CHRIST who gives me strength!

One of my spark goals is to journal every day. So here I go. Help keep me accountable guys. If you don't see me on here, send me e-mails. My e-mail is samanthamartin777@yahoo.com.

Thanks!!!!

~Tubby Sue

Friday, January 27, 2006

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 23:13:38 GMT

Okay. I'm still alive around here. I think.

I've had a good long week of pity parties, beating myself up and more pity parties. I have just felt like plain old homemade trash.

My mind tells me that it's just the Devil messing with me, trying to beat me down and make me think I've lost - that there's no hope - even though the victory has already been won for me at the cross.

However, my heart is so quick to believe the lies of the enemy. I've spent nearly a whole lifetime beating myself up, telling myself that I'm ugly, fat and not worth anything. I've believed that there's no hope. Even losing 100 pounds makes it seem more hopeless because I gained back 120!

Still, the Father is trying to help me understand something: WEIGHT IS ONLY TEMPORARY!

AND: I can do all things through CHRIST who gives me strength.

I can not do all things through ME who gives me strength. I can try. I might succeed for a short wall but never for very long.

I think my depression today just came from some wake-up calls. Like the fact that I had to stop and rest at the top of some stairs today before I could step out of the stairwell. I was too embarrased to let anyone see me pant. Then the fact that the seat at the movie theatre was REALLY, REALLY tight on my hips tonight. That never really happened at my previous higher weight. There were some more things too, like this skinny girl who plastered herself (yes, really) to the wall in a narrow hall way so that I could squeeze through.

*sigh*

Jesus said that in our weakness is when he can really come on the scene and make us strong.

Come soon, Lord. I don't know if it gets much weaker than this.

I'm updating my tracker at the top. I'm only weighing in on Wednesdays. I'm going to do this. No, JESUS is going to help me do this.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise him all creatures here below. Praise him above ye heavenly host. Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost. AMEN.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 22:12:46 GMT

Well, the past couple of days have been very good. Thank you to all you guys who have been praying for me. I've done very well overall with the exception of some Mexican food for dinner tonight and some ice cream I shouldn't have had. But, you know what? I'm not going to beat myself up. I did not CHEAT on a DIET. I made an unhealthy decision in my otherwise healthy lifestyle. In the past, cheating always leading to beating myself up and then binge cheating until I gather the nerve to start over. Not this time. There is no "starting over." Just keeping on doing.

Thanks for all the encouraging notes. Hope to make it around to visit you guys too.

Here's a couple of photos of me and my precious hubby. Thought I'd post them as "before" photos even though I know we've both gained maybe 20 pounds since...

Monday, January 16, 2006

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 13:39:48 GMT

I'm on my way... down that is. Someone asked me if I got that from somewhere but it just came out of my own little brain.

Anyway, today has been a very great start to a new chapter of my life. I went grocery shopping last night and bought lots of fruits, veggies, whole grain stuff. It was great. I felt so EMPOWERED because I felt like I was doing something. Like I was taking back some control. I know I can do this because this is God's will for me. He doesn't expect me to do it all by myself. Also my husband is doing this with me. He's a wonderful man.

We both know we have to make this change not only to lose weight but to be HEALTHY. That's the important thing. I want to be healthy enough to live a long life filled with family and good times of serving the Lord. For us, that means a lifestyle change.

I felt so good to have a grocery cart full of good stuff last night. Have you ever ran into someone in the grocery store and been embarrased that they might look and see what you had in your cart? I'm a people watcher so I also look to see what people in front of me are checking out. I always feel like a hog at the grocery store with my sugary cereals, chips, cookies and frozen pizzas. Not yesterday though! Too bad I went through the self-check out so no one really noticed. LOL. It does fill good to have cabinets and fridge full of good food choices.

AND I got up early this morning and excercised. I'm doing this 20 minute DVD called the Walk Diet. It has a really easy program that you do that's equivalent to walking a mile. It has a two mile segemnt too but I'm working my way up to that.

AND I took time to read my bible this morning.

Thanks be to God who gives me strength.

And to you guys for the encouragement. You don't know how much it means to me.

God Bless!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 23:54:29 GMT

Well, here I am feeling sorry for myself. Trying to get over my post "gaining" depression. It gets a little harder with each failure and gain. But, I know that the devil just wants to beat me down and steal this victory (one that has already been won for me at the cross) from me and make me feel gross and worthless.

I am not gross. I am not worthless. I am a child of the King. The King of all kings! There's no reason for me to sit around in defeat and depression. I shouldn't live in bondage to food another day. I can't do it, but I know that Christ can.

I've got to get a grip. A grip on his hand that is. I need to acknowledge the fact that clearly I cannot do this on my own. My own strength is not enough. But in my weakness I am made strong through Jesus.

I can do this because I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGHTENS ME!!!!

Praise God for his word and for his promises.

Please pray for me guys.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 10:14:13 GMT

I am still alive. I'm just gathering my courage to start over... Way over...