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| fuck! i dont fucking know!!omg stop it already. shit, i dont know what to do. i'm hearing both sides of the fucking story, and like WHAT THE FUCK?! ughh, shit fuck shit bitch. i dont know what to do. i just want to quit. (oh and by the fucking way.. sorry if this blog is total nonsense, i'm just fucking pissed because everyone in the fucking world are fucking hypocrites! including me, and sorry if its all jumping back and forth from one subject to another because it all ties in somewhere sooner or later, and fuck if you dont understand, dont fucking ask for an explanation because i wont explain to you unless i love you that much. FUCK)
okay and fucking continuing.. i know tis like fucking easter and all that shit. but fuck, i cant take this. i dont know how everyone else in this fucking "team" can take it too. isn't a fucking team supposed to WORK TOGETHER? i mean, yeah to be totally fucking honest, someone kinda fucked that part up by making their own thing.. but in a way it helped for all the other people who were tired of the old shit and not taking in new shit. yenno? and at least it was an effort, but in all truth, IN MY EYES, i just see it as a big separation even MORE so how is the team supposed to work together?
fuck. and then i find out that you're fucking on their side? then on our side? fucking spy. shitface dumbshit. ugh man you tricked me. and i know i feel bad for being mad at you, but fuck! how can you? well i kinda already fucking knew this would happen somewhere along the way during the war, but i didnt think it would be this soon? i dont fucking know. and to add on to that, she already hates me so why dont you just fucking say it to my mother fucking face?! what, too fucking scared cuz i'm fucking twice your size, you little fucking shrimp. and shit, them three is only on that fatshit's side of this fucking war because they dont fucking realize that WE'RE doing all the work, and the "work" they think they're doing is just fucking little favors for the fat boss. fucking hitler! like "oh go grab this for me, go give this to blah." they dont fucking have the big jobs like we get, oh plan teen talk. plan retreat, i wont say nothing. BULL fucking SHIT you not going say nothing my motherfucking ass. how bout you kiss my fucking ass so you wont say nothing at all foreals this fucking time. like fuck! i dont think i'll ever fucking get over this.
shit and you, you fat piece of shit who fucking overuses your fucking powers and fucking abuses it.. FUCK YOU! if you fucking shit didnt think of your fucking self for once, then maybe we wouldnt have this fucking problem about where we're gonna be staying at during that weekend! what a fucking dumb ass. like why cant you fucking realize that other people had to miss like couple hours or one fucking day for this, and you cant do that yourself? is it the fucking gas money? i'll give you fucking gas money to drive your fat self back home then back to the other side of the fucking island. FUCK! a birthday party is not gonna fucking las three fucking days is it? no, i dont fucking think so. dude some people had to fucking miss their fucking PROM to come to pieces of shits like this. you only get PROM once in your fucking life unless you're fucking gross and keep going every year with a different girl aldjfasdjfaalskdjfaskljfd. and you just cant fucking think about others for once, and miss one fucking birthday party? i mean, man yeah i know its your parents, but fuck your parents going get one other birthday next year. whats the big dealio with this one? whats so fucking special about their 2008 birthday that you have to make all the reasons revolve around your fucking family? how fucking selfish is that? you're already fat eating all the food drinking all the soda and gobbling down all the fucking donuts in the whole fucking world.. and then you have to fucking go be selfish about you not being their the whole fucking time. and fuck, this isn't only about you okay? fuck! this is for the fucking students. not you, fat shit. and you're only gonna eat all their snacks anyways. dumb fat shit. fuck, i know i'm being so mean right now but fuck! you're a fucking loser who doesn't know what he wants to be in life, so you take all the fucking classes you thought was interesting and good but it turned out all shitty and you never did finish them so you just wasted your fucking money, and now look at you almost 30 still living at home with no fucking gf and no stable job and not even a good college degree where you can get a good job in. like what the fuck is up with that? what the fuck is wrong with you? is your fucking brain working? fuck! and fuck! the oldest is supposed to set the good example for the other siblings, but fuck you're just a fucking bum. you're a fucking free loader piece of shit who always asks for money and says you'll pay back but no, and you dont even fucking know how bad you're hurting someone that loves you so fucking much. you just take everything for granted, not even being serious about everything.
and fucking speaking about being serious, no one ever does take you fucking serious because everytime someone asks you something, you always give a fucking sarcastic answer. so you know what? i'm gonna go with what someone in the team said; if we fucking ask you something, and you tell something that you're joking.. i'm just gonna fucking do it whether i know its bad or not, and if you fucking get mad at me for doing it, i'm gonna fucking back hand you and give you a fucking bitch slap because you're a big fat dumbass. you tell me to do something and i'll do it. fucking, whats so fucking wrong with that? i'm fucking listening and fucking obeying to you aren't i? so fuck, if you dont fucking want that to happen.. then boy you better fucking get your priorities straight and fucking man up and grow the fuck up and know when to be serious and when to play around because boy i aint fucking playing around with this shit. you know how much people you fucking pissed off? FUCK! especially me. man i used to be just fucking quiet on the fucking side but now.. fuck i dont fucking care if you call me a fucking bitch or a fucking cry baby. you fucking need to hear this. and i know you're not even gonna fucking read this but fuck! at least i'm fucking making it public so maybe one of your fucking SOURCES can fucking read this. and FUCK! her too is a fucking dumbshit trying to make like she's not even a part of this shit when she put her fucking self in the middle of all this. fuck! and yes i know i'm being a fucking hypocrite too by fucking putting my self in the middle of all this, but fuck!! people that know me really well, which no one even fucking does, should know that things like this will always bother me, and i have sleepless nights always thinking about these and solutions to try make things better. but fuck, do i bring up those solutions or suggestions to you guys? NO!!!!!! why? because i fucking know that i'll just get fucking shut down again, like how you shut me down before, and how you shut down every single fucking new idea or suggestion that comes up.
FUCK! all this stupid fucking drama is driving me crazy. and not only that, this fucking drama is just making outside drama with the romeo & juliet thing. shit its like what the fuck do you want from them!!!!! ugh i just wanna be fucking neutral already but fuck, i'm mad at both sides. and then again i have some stuff i like from both sides so its like WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD I DO? and fuck i dont even know who to fucking trust anymore. i cannot tell the new spy what we're talking about because he's only gonna fucking tell that fucking shrimp and then the shrimp will tell the fatman. fucking dumbshit. fuck fuck fuck.
man all i'm fucking trying to say is that.. if you fucking say something, then stay fucking true to your word because sometimes it could cost someone's life... almost. and i still fucking think we should've taken a fucking vote on to when it should be held on. like fuck, its not fucking fair that all the reasons why you dont want the first weekend is fucking personal family reasons. like your family doesnt know whats going on in the fucking planning process, so why do they fucking matter? just leave for like 4 fucking hours, you wont miss any fucking thing. not like you're gonna be paying attention anyways, and you're only gonna fucking take away the attention of the students in your fucking group because you're gonna be playing around like the little fat kid who has fucking ADD and cant stop thinking about chocolate donuts. FUCK! it just all started off with those three fucking reasons. how selfish can you get? i think that's the fucking lowest of the low of being selfish. i know i'm going to fucking hell for this but FUCK! at least its off my fucking chest for a while, and maybe i can fucking finally sleep good tonight and not end up crying, thinking too much of this whole fucking dilemma.. all because your lazy fat ass is so fucking lazy to drive that distance. FUCK! how lazy can you fucking get? i'll fucking drive you there if you fucking want me to. UGH
asldjfasljfdasljfdljskldajfsl fuck this. i really wanna fucking say all this shit to your fucking face, but you're fucking lucky i wasn't raised that way. now i know why the ilys&imys always get mad at me for not mentioning what i'm thinking because i always have a good point, but i dont wanna be a bitch. FUCK! i wanna change that about me; i should be a fucking bitch now. i should be more fucking assertive, but then again i dont want people to be fucking scared of me even more. like fucking shrimp. bullshit you can fight. bring it on, lets see what you fucking got, fricken twig. UGHHHHHH.
i should just stab all you people in the fucking eyes. shit. i'm done with church. i'm done. i dont wanna go as of this fucking moment. i dont even feel like going retreat. and yeah your fucking family might say "oh good then more space for our fat asses and less people to worry about" well good for you bitches because i dont fucking care. and if any fucking one tries to change my mind, its gonna fucking take a good fucking reason or explanation because i'm so fucking pissed you dont even know how pissed i am. like man how long i've been holding this in already, like fucking january. fuck! that was a fucking long time ago. like ugh omg. fuck theres too much shit on my shoulders, too fucking heavy and i couldnt carry. fuck.
i thought church was supposed to fucking strengthen you and be a haven for you when you have problems in the outside real world. BUT NO, its not a fucking haven like it used to be. now its just a piece of shit to me where i see no value or point in going. HOW CAN WE FUCKING HAVE WORLD PEACE, IF CHRISTIANITY CAN'T EVEN FUCKING AGREE WITH EACH OTHER? why is christianity broken up into so much different other subcategories or what the fuck ever?? theres fucking catholics, protestants, monks, blah blah blah i dont fucking know. but why? why dont we all just be one fucking family? AND FUCK, IF CHRISTIANITY ITSELF CANT FUCKING AGREE WITH EACH OTHER, THEN HOW THE FUCK CAN THE PEOPLE OF THIS FUCKED UP WORLD EXPECT A GROUP OF PEOPLE IN ONE CHURCH TO FUCKING AGREE WITH EACH OTHER? this whole world has been at war all the time, with the fucking disagreements in israel and shit. where they're trying to win back land because they're fucking calling it holy land but the jews dont wanna give it up. its like fuck! why dont you just fucking divide it equally if you guys fucking believe that God made everyone fucking equal? FUCK, its fucking called using your head. shit.
fuck this always makes me wanna change churches or even change my fucking religion. ugh omg theres so much drama like omg cannot even handle already. you dont even know so dont be even fucking talking kehh. like yeah call me weak cuz i cannot handle but shut the fuck up kay. i'm not gonna fucking let this stupid one tiny shit ruin my fucking senior year because its the time to do fucking almost EVERYTHING before you fucking graduate. like fuck, i'm just walking out of this fucking race. screw this shit, i'm not wasting my time and energy and hours at night worrying about this shit anymore. i got everything out, i hope. and i fucking hope it never fucking comes back to my conscience tonight or this whole fucking week until the next big meeting. and fuck, if its still fucking bothering me then, i'm gonna fucking stand up and say something and be a fucking bitch that everyone will fucking hate. and if no one backs me up, i dont fucking care because at least i wasnt fucking scared to say something like everyone else is. FUCK! ANNNNNNNND another fucking reason why i know i dont be a bitch is that because everytime i try to stand up for something and be a bitch and speak my REAL thoughts, i start to fucking feel bad. and thats because i fucking have VALUES because i wasnt brought up like that. and i start crying because i feel bad that i'm gonna hurt your fucking feelings. BUT THEN AGAIN, is it better off to hurt people's feelings by telling them something straight up to their fucking face, or is it better to just vent it out to others and sorta kinda talk shit about that person?? which is better? fuck i dont know.
but fuck this, i'm gonna lie down. i cant believe i fucking wasted amlost one fucking hour typing this shit out. and surprisingly, my fingers aren't even sore. shit i guess it all came out so fast that the pain in my fingers wont even work for me, since all the fucking anger is fresh and the blood is always flowing up wards. and shit, agt isnt fucking helping either. ugh. i need to stop that shit. ughh i'm fucking out. its 1255am, and i need to fucking get up early in the morning. FUCK YOU.
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| cant sleep; its 135ami dont know what i'm doing. last week was reallyyyy.. wow. sucks we broke the trend on monday though. its okay.
ohh thanks behh for my 3lb chocolate <3 && for coming to my house early in the morning to deliver it, along with my rose =]] hmm, found a productive use for his notebook. lol finances! so anykine, ohh and for special dates we gotta remember. ahahaha. omg i cant believe we spent $165 in two fucking days. its like whoaaaa, someone needs to help us save money. hahah. when is americorp gonna pay me damnit?!?!! grrrrr its okay.
hmmmm the lists the lists the lists, i dont know what to do with them. i have like two weeks to buy my new camera + 4gb memory stick, which is a total of almost $400, but how can i buy that if i dont know how to save money?? shittttttttt. maybe i should delay it to spring break instead of before march.. i dont know yet, i'll think it through.
so kristian is coming over in a couple of hours, at 5am. damn thats early. i cant seem to sleep, weird because if i fall asleep, i cant wake up later, so stupid. and yeah he's coming over because he needs a ride to school today. he's lucky i love him enough to say yes, hahah.
anyways, on another subject.. me & wena noticed that people are changing, right before graduation, too. it annoys me to the max because i dont want to hang with you guys if you're gonna act all different now. i feel uncomfortable around you guys now, since you guys acking all tough like you all that. what ever happened to being normal? see when you hang out with _ _ _ _ c h.. too much. you're becoming like her, talking like her, acting like her. UGH! one of her is enough for this world. i miss how you were back in freshman year.
okay enough of that. haw man, easter basket meeting today at lunch. i dont feel like going, but i guess i have to since i had to go check prices for baskets @ don quijote & the 99cents store with jess & brit. lol hmm but the lady at IHS said tupperware is better to use so the guests can reuse them later on.. smart! hmmm, my mom is getting mad.. so now i have to go to sleep && wake up in about 3 hours. goodnight <3 147am.
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| just a random update :]as for my lists... i didnt really take motivation in trying to complete it. well at least i got a stable volunteer site -- ka'ewai! lols. going there with jess & brit all the time. americorps is finally kicking into me. i didnt take it as serious as before, but now that i know we can get suspended then its time to buckle down and make some hours.
a lot has been on my mind, as usual. things i never get to talk about with behh. i tell behh & kristian everything. but sometimes i forget because i try to ignore it or block it out of my mind. i dont want shit like that bothering me or bringing me down. i wanna enjoy my life, my senior year. i'm getting pretty tired of school though. but i know i cant drop out, thats stupid. hmm and church is becoming a pain in my ass. i dont think i want to go to retreat this year. i'm not sure yet though. maybe i'll go... maybe i need it. i want to go back to the bcc retreat. i LOVE everyone there. there's always at least one person to hug :] i love hugs. i wish more people from our church went so they know how me, jenn, & jeff feel. anywaysss.. i'm getting tired of driving too. lol but then again, its really beneficial in a way.
like grace, i too, have an internal drama that i need to pretend its not going on. sometimes i want to just shout because it bothers my mind so badly, but i cant. thats not pretending. blahhh.
sooo valentine's is tomorrow. but for some people, its 'single awareness day' hahah - something i'm not invited to, kris said. fuckers! nahh itsukayy. man i wish me & behh could go eat kurus but cant!!! i gave up the same things as last year for lent. ALL KINDS OF RICE, BROWN SODA, BURGERS, & FRENCH FRIES. i broke one already though. shucks! the fries one. darnnnnn but its okayy. i'm still gonna keep it. ohh man there was musubis and sushi during lunch today, i couldnt eat it.. so junk.i only ate the lumpia hahah. hmmm i wonder what behh is getting me for valentines day. i hope its the thing i really wanted :]]] i want the 3lb heart of chocolate at walmart! hahah man that thing is so cool. i dont want nothing else, just that. i told him.. i hope he bought it ;]] heheh.
okayy i'm at jessicas house, aaaaand i think i'm gonna go.. its passed 330 already, so fast. anyways byee.
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| lists! of everything.. sorta.i realized that i haven't been on here for a month. i don't feel like updating though. this month was... difficult. but i'm glad i survived it. at least i wasn't alone :]]
anyways, i need to make so many lists of things i need to do, get, etc.... errr. i think i'll start off with.. how many leis am i making for this years grads? ughh so many this year! blahh. oh wellss. hmmmm i think i'll write this one out though.. lol.
next list? i dont know.. maybe a to do/goal one? [[this has to be completed before i graduate]]
[021808;thanksbabe  ] wash my car at least twice a month
[] clean my room GOOD, including my closet
[] organize the school supply closet
[012508;ka`ewai  && 022308;bishop museum  ] get a really stable volunteer site -- i got two, bitches =)
[] make sure i dont forget anyone's lei
[] save moneyyyy (maybe get at least 2k in my bank account, lol i'm poor there)
[] get things off my chest...
[] sacrifice sacrifice sacrifice
[] make better decisions
[] lose weight!!! (20 pounds to be exact) lol
[] enough for now?
hmmm things to buy list :]]]]
[030508;finally] new camera & 4gb memory stick before march by/during springbreak
[] new shoes, for the both of us
[] pretty coin purse
[] "surprise" wallet :]
[] ultimate birthday present before march
[] pickup guitar
[] plugin uke for him
places to eat with you list
[] chowder house
[] sizzlers
[] farrells
[] buffet 100
[] yakaniko (is that how you spell it?)
i forgot what else lists i was supposed to make.. hah if i think of anything else i'll just add. okayyyy bye.
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| rough weekend..418pm; this weekend was full of different kinds of emotions for me. friday night was a little fucked up. but jeff, jenn, & grace made me feel better when we went to walmart. it was tough. its too bad i fell asleep early though. i guess i got sick from that, and getting wet from the rain. its alright though. yesterday's recollection was sorta disappointing. but i still had fun thanks to the boyz who got some mad skillz to make up stuff in a short matter of time. lol that was a good one guyss! but i'm still sad i couldn't do my 'are you ready forrrrr jesusssssss?!' thing. ahhh its alright. we could do that next year =] hahah. again with the next year crap. anyways, ala moana with grace, kris, chris, & bumz =]] i'm so glad he came. didnt buy anything though. ohh i wanted to get a magic worm! but grace ruined the secret for me, so now i think its a waste of money. lmao. its a really dickhead trick for little kids, dontcha think? ahhaha. i cant believe i fell for it though. WHO SAID JAMBA JUICE WAS THAT WAY? thats right bitches, burn. hahah. suckers didnt wanna believe. yeahh then i slept over behh's house because i couldnt go home. and so shame in the morning when i had to go shower cuz the sister was still home. damnit. lol i think she hates me. >_<' anyways, church again. aubrey didnt yell. i think grace is right -- i think she DID give up on them already. do you think she'll let them be confirmed this year? i dont know. if i were her, i wouldnt let them. i dont think they deserve it. i mean, i know that happened to our class before too, but we stepped it up and proved to aubrey that we were ready. maybe they'll do that too, but i dont know... i'm not so sure if they can make it. and now i'm back home.. well behh's house. i'm not going home yet. maybe at like 5. i got half an hour or so. if only i'd taken more clothes and my toothbrush/paste. shucks. hmm, i haven't finished my letters for ECE yet, and i think i'm gonna finish them when i go home, to my real house. at least i finished wrapping their thingys! finally. in other subjects... some people piss me off. well, more like irritate the shit outta me. i know it's not right or whatever, but i can't help it if they're just so annoying and i cant stand it. i've been tolerating them three for a while now. at least one kinda stopped. but yesterday, oh shit those two irked the shittt outta me freals. so make like they know stuff about me. whatever bitches cuz you dont know nothing kay. dont be talking shit, saying i'm a dickhead. you dont fucking know what happened this weekend, causing me to act that way. i had only one source of ventage, and i dont think that was enough for me. i had another source, but someone else was trying to fucking ruin everything everyone worked hard for by showing up, and ruining the happiness. dumbshit. if you were like that, you should've stayed home. i had a fucking rough night with my family and parents too, but i didnt come all emo and shit for everyone to fucking wonder whats wrong and why the fuck did'yah have to cry? dumbass. stop trying to make people feel sorry for you. you're not better than anyone. everyone is equal, and there are other people who have worse shit going on in their life than you can ever fucking imagine. so build a fucking bridge, and get the fuck over it. fuck, i'm out. 433pm. | | |
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