Versaille Show

Yesterday was the Versailles Concert at Knitting Factory.

One word... KAMIJOOOO!!!

It was hot hot hot!!! We were squished into the main stage though =D and it was a sold-out show!! HELL YA!!! It was soo hot and my head hurts from head banging but the guy in front of me was insane and I seriously couldn't reach Kamijo at all since the guy in front of me was so huge!! Kamijo did a lot of MCs =D he introduced the band and said 'boku ga Kamijo desu' and 'you are all my lovers' AHHHH HE SO FREAKING HOT!!! He also said something about "versaille no fan wa fuku' or something... I think he was trying to say that we were all really touchy caz he was opening up his shirt or something.They played everything =D I think... even zombie and sch.. something.. and and..forbidden gate!!! hahaha and then sympathia was the last song.. i think?? ya ya... because before he said for us to sing together. encore was reverant choir.. but by then, I left the front caz I was drenched wet and I wanted merch. and plus... I was going to die in the front -_- seriously...

anyways... in the middle of the concert, everyone left the stage except for Kamijo and he sang the ballad version of Ano hito... and I just broke down as I sang along -_- I kept crying and crying... because I was so happy he sand a Lareine song.. and well... the song was just beautiful in general. I was singing and crying and singing and crying and I don't know but some part of me thinks that he saw because he looked my way when I put my hands over my nose to stop the sniffles. He was so romantic and it was just so sad =(
afterwards, hizaki comes out with everyone else and he plays one of his solo songs. but I don't know what it was.. only that I headbanged a bit to it... Teru is insanely cute =) Jasmine You looks hot but Hizaki was too far away so I couldn't see...

After the encore, from the back as I watched, they took each others hands, bowed and jumped up in unison =D it was so nice. I love them!!!

omg.. I forgot to say... Kamijo opened his mc up with his signature greeting 'BONJOUR HONEY!!!'
and and.. he took the flowers that some girls bought him, smelled it and threw it to the back =P haha and he kissed rose petals and threw them into the crowd =D

I know they opened with "From the Love of a Dead Orchestra" and then Shouts and Bites.. I think... was next?

Dream 03/11/08

I was terrified.  I had thought she had seen the scars from a few days before but chose not to inquire.  I had thought that she already suspected.  I was terrified.  Her silence was unbelievablely excruciating... and I was probably burning from guilt over what I had done once again.  The memories of what had previously happened when she discovered my dangerous habits flooded back to me and fueled my anxiety. 

Suddenly, we were out in public somewhere.  She had suddenly grabbed my right arm, where the deepest cut was inflicted.  Though I wore a long sleeve shirt, I had anticipated that this was the moment she wanted to address my problem.  I quickly pulled my arm away from her, my heart pounding as I searched her face for reactions.  Did she know? Her mouth opened, what was she going to say? Was she going to start scolding me for what I had done after I made that silent oath to never again inflict injuries to myself? Was she going to scold, cry, or silently stare?  I couldn't hold it anymore, my guilt, my shame.  I couldn't hold in my apologies.  I burst into words... I don't remember if I cried, but the first words that escaped me were 'I can explain... I didn't mean to... I couldn't help it... but no, I swear, I'm seeing someone for this.  I promise... this... this... isn't going to continue, I promise. I'll stop... I just accidenly... lost control... I'm seeing someone.  I swear! I'm sorry.. I really really wont do it ever again' I screamed.  What happened next surprised me and I realized the grave mistake I had made. Confusion swept over her face at first... then a look I had long feared.  Her eyes widened and I realized that I had just outted myself.  She had not expected anything, she had not seen anything prior to my outburst.  She had not suspected that I had a relapse and that I had returned to my old habits.  She came at me and tried to grab my arms, which I violently thrashed to keep her from clasping onto me.  'What do you mean!?' she screamed.  I think it was then that I started to cry.  Not cry because of what was happening, but cried because of the expression that appeared on her face.  The same expression of worry.. or the expression of guilt or.. .something that said 'what is it that I have done to make YOU do the things you do?' the self blame she put on herself for osmething i had selfishly done to myself.  This was my ultimate fear... this was a replay of what had happened before.  She blamed herself... and i would rather die than to have her think that. But it was too late, I know... that she already has blamed herself.. and that just furthered my guilt and shame, my self hatred and my self anger.  It just made me more disgusted with myself. selfish bitch. hateful daughter. inconsiderate child. selfish selfish bitch.  you dont deserve anything, you don't deserve her love, your existence is nothing but a constant wound on her heart.  why are you still here? why won't you die and let her be. why do you continuously hurt her. god.. you're so inconsiderate.. and you're such a hypocrite... constantly telling her that you love her.. when you're mere existence kills her.  the words wont stop running in my mind.  I'm sorry.

I wake up, cold and aching in pain.  My arms feel raw... I lift my arms over my head, trying to calm my mind down.  I open my eyes... and I see them.  I had sort of hoped everything was a dream.. hope that yesterday was ALL a dream.  But no.. I really did it last night.  I really did and I was really afraid.  I was really afraid, not that my life was simply escaping from these wounds and that I could have been dead right now, but I was really afraid of waking up, alive... and having to live.  I was really afraid of waking up alive and having to face her... having to face her, knowing how much I have hurt her, how much my action, my selfish action from last night will hurt her.  I cant stand my guilt and my shame. 

Why did I do it... why why why? Because I was empty... because I was sad... because I couldn't take this burden that seemed to loom over my body... because I wanted to see if I was still capable of living.. wanted to see if there was still anything inside me even when I felt so empty.  Because I wanted to look beautiful... because I wanted to decorate my body. becuase I wanted to hurt... because because... but no.. not because i wanted to hurt her... I wanted a punishment? no.. what was it that i wanted?

ANOREXIA
[x] you have dry skin
[] you eat 1 meal
[] you're very weak
[x] you hate yourself
[x] you starve yourself
[x] you have low self esteem
[] you use laxatives
[x] you need to be more skinny
[] people always say you're skinny, but you think you're fat
[] people think you are too skinny
Total: 5/10

ADHD (ATTENTION DEFICIT/HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER)
[] your mind is all over the place
[] you are hyper most of the time
[] you barely pay attention
[] you can't cooperate
[] you talk all the time
[] you need attention 24/7
Total: 0/5 (but it really depends sometimes)

BIPOLAR DISORDER
[x] you can act wild at times then the next day you are depressed.
[x] you are very irritable
[x] you are antisocial
[x] you have very high self esteem sometimes
[] you are abusing alcohol, drugs, or sex
[x] you have thought of/attempted suicide
Total:5/6

BULIMIA NERVOSA
[] you throw up all of your food.
[x] you throw it up even when you don't feel sick.
[] you have no control over how you eat.
[] you use laxatives.
[] you have overly exercised to where you almost fainted/passed out.
[] you always say you are fat, when you aren't.
[] people think you're way too skinny
Total: 1/7

CONDUCT DISORDER
[] you are a bully.
[x] you threaten other people.
[] you often find yourself in fights.
[] you have used a weapon that could cause injury to others.
[x] you are cruel to humans and/or animals. (to people)
[x] you have raped/molested someone. (molest.. but just my friends.. because i like touching ^^)
[] you destroy property on purpose
[x] you always lie.
[] you stay out all night.
[] you have ran away from home.
Total: 4/10

DEPRESSION
[x] You are always sad.
[] You find no hope in your future.
[x] You find no longer excitement over the activities you used to love.
[x] you always find yourself in bed/around the house all day.
[x] You have low self esteem.
[] everything bad happens is always your fault.
[] you always seem to be weak or have physical features hurt.
[] You are failing school.
[x] You have thought of/attempted suicide.
[] you have ran away from home.
[] Hope is no longer there for you.
Total: 5/11

OCD (OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER)
[x] You have daily rituals.
[x] you have disturbing thoughts or thoughts you hate
[x] you have to do a certain thing until it feels right.
[x] you have to keep things in a certain order.
[x] you have harmed yourself.
[] you are afraid you will get any kind of germs.
[x] you have to check some stuff over again.
Total: 6/7

PTSD (POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER)
[] you repeatedly have flashbacks of horrible moments/memories in your life.
[x] you repeatedly have dreams of horrible moments/memories in your life.
[x] you sometimes think the event will happen again.
[x] you can be/are anti-social.
[x] you have lost interest in the things you used to love.
[x] You have not had a lot of sleep lately
[] you worry about dying at a early age or dying at all.
[x] you can have angry outbursts.
[x] You act younger than your age.
Total: 7/9

SCHIZOPHRENIA
[] you often have hallucinations
[x] you have strange, unusual dreams or thoughts.
[x] you can be confused about reality and fantasy.
[x] you think people are always staring or talking about you.
[x] you have extreme anxiety or fearfulness.
[x] you have difficulty with relationships with family, friends, and opposite sex.
[] you do not take care of your hygiene like you should.
[x] you are very shy.
[] you often talk to yourself.
Total: 6/9

hahah this was fun... but these things are sooo stereotypical... having taken so many abnormal psych courses... anyways... ive always knew i was pretty OCD, ptsd-ed, schizo, and bipolar =P hahah

shigofumi

am i just easily moved or touched?? but i havent written about an anime for quite awhile... (lets not bring into fact that i was totally not watching anything 'worthy' for awhile) i think... there was that little period of time that i would just rant about how much i loved mariamite, simoun, jigoku shoujo.. and i think that was usually the three that i talked most about.. so anyways.. now for an update... i think since jigoku shoujo, ive just been watching anime that was just for sheer entertainment (nothing of great content.. since jigoku shoujo was so amazing and emotionally bounding.. that i just had to watch something to calm myself down from that series) so since then.. lets see, i watched something call 'el hazard' which hinted at shoujo ai.. but i didnt really see it -_- it was a waste of time.. and kamichama karin (which i watched for the cute art style since el hazard had that bold sorta.. not my taste sorta style) that anime was cute.. but that was about it.. there was some shoujo ai in there =) which made me kinda grin in happiness.. but when my fave. character died -_- i lost interest.. so that anime didnt really have an impact. AH yes.. i watched paradise kiss.. which out of these 3 animes was my favorite.. it was done by.. (forgot the co. was it geneon?? no i dont think so?) but done by the same ppl who did nana so the art was similar.. but paradise kiss was made before so it was still pretty rough around the edges.. not as defined as nana but my god.. it was a really pretty storyline.. well okay.. maybe not THAT great.. but the last few epsiodes was pretty cute and gave a warm fuzzy feeling inside.. ahh yea.. i finally finished shakugan no shana season 1... (i actually watched a lot now that i think about it) which wasnt that great.. i didnt like it too much.. i only watched it for the seiyuus: itou shizuru, noto mamiko, nabatame hitomi (who are a couple of my favorites) besides that.. yea.. so

new season.. new animes. and god i have so much to watch.. from previous seasons -_- but i will work slowly =) so so.. new season... everyone is talkin about 'true tears, minami-ke okawari (i havent even seen the 1st season yet), aria, zoku sayonara, h2o to name a few.. they're on my list so im following it.. not watchin it yet tho.. but okay.. whatever.. so there was also PERSONA~trinity soul~ which i wasnt going to watch, i got one episode and decided, ill watch that and judge from that whehter i want to continue following.. and the answer 'yes i do ^^' the series seems kinda odd to me. the storyline i mean.. but it reminds me a little of ergo proxy and the art is quite nice.. who knows.. something about the series caught my attention.. seriously.. great art -_- haha im a sucker for that. SO.. while i was reading about ppl's impressions of PERSONA, i think i also caught on a title called 'shigofumi' which i did graze by the other day on someone's blog.. but it seemed kinda 'eh' so i just sorta discarded it.. but then.. okay.. the art isnt so great, the main character isn't good looking -_- another shinigami.. and a talkin staff *how great could that really be?? -_-* so i didnt want to watch it.. the only thing that stopped me from completely disregarding the series was that kana ueda (yumi from mariamite.. ugh i love her too much) was doing the main character.. so i was like 'ugh -_- dammit should i really watch this just for the seiyuu.. since shana was such a disappointment) so i was like whatever -_- until i came up upon the name again, and so i was like 'what the heck -_- lets do the same as i was doing for pERSONA.. watch first epsiode and see if i like it enough to continue' and sure enough by the end of the first epsiode of 'shigofumi' i was at the edge of my seat going 'HOLY SHIT!! OMG!! WHAT A TWIST!! *hurry and find second episode*' its been quite awhile since ive been SOOOO surprised and amazed by a series.. i mean.. let alone the first epsiode made a HUGE impact on me! i mean.. i think the only other series that was able to get me like this *interested enough that i just couldnt wait to watch the next epsiode* was maria-sama ga miteru (not for the same reasons tho -_- since mariamite is sorta.. slow and pretty.. but god.. i was so addicted)

so... shigofumi... its about this one shinigami mailcarrier called.. uh i dont know.. but shes ueda kana =) and her talkin staff.. so she delivers letters from the departed to the living.. its like.. the dead's thoughts/things they wanted to say but couldnt when they were alive.. so anyways.. first episode.. about rockets?? okay? but theres something really sweet about the epsiode.. and i did cheat a bit.. i read about what happened.. well skimmed.. all i know is that one of the main protagonists of that episode killed the letter writer.. cept i didnt know who.. and damn i was SO surprised.. but whatever.. the end is just amazing o.O what a cliffhanger.. the second episode tho.. my god... i had an ache in the heart after i watched it.. it was so sentimental and sad.. tragic and so great!! i wanted to cry.. but i totally sucked it up =) but oh my god.. i mean.. OMG! the way it ended was SO sad.. but.. i mean, its cliche.. but still, it was done so beautifully that i didnt feel like 'eh -_- that was expected' instead.. i was like '*sniff sniff* i.. *sniff* expected that... but *sniff* it was SO sad..' but the one part that really made me want to cry was when ueda kana went to deliver the letter to miku (the little sister) and god.. ueda kana does SUCH a great job with the last line! 'this is an unusual letter... but it is one of the most sentimental and beautiful one' i dont know.. besides that line being so beautiful.. it was just the effect that ueda had on that.. something in her voice made that part SO much sadder! i really had that nasty churning feeling inside.. that chilly feel in my throat and my heart and stomach... god it was so great!! seriously.. its the only series im REALLY interested in seeing righ tnow!! ugh so great!! like someone said on their blog (sorry.. i totally forgot who) its sorta like jigoku shoujo... <<when i saw that, i was like '?? i dont think it can be as good as jigoku shoujo' but DAMN.. it so IS!! and even jigoku shoujo wasnt able to get me this into it on the first few episodes.. if you recall, i was complaining about the slow slow pace and boring repetitive epsiodes in jigoku shoujo.. i dont know if 'shigofumi' would be the same.. but okay.. whatever.. the first 2 episodes have me hooked.. so yea ^^

--relevance? none really.. but lets see.. whats going on in my life right now? i got a new computer =D since my old one the sony desktop at home.. from like.. 6 years ago.. totally died.. it started clicking the other day when i turned it on =P and then it said something like 'OMG.. make backups. caz computer is GONNA crash.. like NOW!' okay.. it wasnt verbatim.. but thats seriously what my computer said to me.. and then it just went click click and it never worked again -_- i couldnt even reformat the thing.. so it really is screwd =P oh yea.. besides that.. i want to draw again... but i dont know what to draw -_- rociel took up too much time and energy and.. i just want to do something simple right now =P i was thinkin about starting on that LONG ago plan of a kannazuki fanart.. but then i dont know if i really want to do it.. then i was thinkin AIR.. but i dont know about that either... then deathnote? but i dont want to do it -_- its too overrated anyways.. and tho i love the artstyle... i dont think anyone looked that great in the series for me to really want to draw it.. then theres tarte, this artbook i found online with some pretty cute pictures but i dont know if i want to do that either.. how about a ffxiii drawing? haha i really want to but its too realistic and itll take up too much time.. so what what what?? im just drawing my own stuff right now. which im happy with.. but still.. i want to do something =)

ah.. i bought a computer, mariamite fandisc, akon tickets (im GOING TO DALLAS!! haha to go see versailles!!! WEEE!!) but i havent booked airplane ticket and hotel room yet -_- screwed!

tuppett said i jingled a lot today ^.^ when i went to turn in my test and was on my way out... hahaha omg.. she was like 'you jingle a lot' and i was lie 'haha i know' << this is the second time this happened today.. its hilarious..

today for perception psych discussion was ending and i was leaving the room, i went the other way, down the psych department hallway right behind inertial-look-a-like lady... and i was just walking behind her and since it was only me and her in the hallway, my jingling bells were REALLY loud (thats what i thought) and she just kept walking.. and suddenly, she started slowing down and i noticed that her eyes kept looking back in my direction.. until finally, she just sorta turned her head and glanced REALLY fast at me.. and i was like *grin* 'isnt it annoying?' and she was like 'oh no... i was just wondering what that was' =P HAHHA