this weekend in two words: was weird. for those of you who know how things happened saturday will agree.

awkward.

you know what sucks about life? when you absolutely love someone, but for whatever reason, you break up. not that you don't care about the other, just for some reason, you couldn't make it work. it's like you want to wait and see if his feelings ever change back to what they use to be, but at the same time, not sure if they ever will. sometimes i think he wants me, other times, not so much. i just see some people waiting around for forever waiting on someone that won't ever want them again. i can't let myself be that person. if i knew he would want me two months from now, i'd stay single and sex-deprived, saving myself for him, but there's no way to know i guess. yet at the same time, i almost want to hold myself back.. just in case. i feel awkward being around him with any other guy, but at the same time, i can't stop living. he had me.. totally.. and turned me down. it's weird, even though i want to move on as far as dating goes, it's not like i stop wanting us to get back together, just that i realize that we probably won't, but who knows what the future will bring.

anywho, this probably sounds melancholy, but i'm actually in pretty high spirits.. just some stuff i was thinking about.

met a lot of cool people this weekend. twas fun. phantom of the opera is frickin' badass. everyone needs to go see it.

Currently Playing Rent (1996 Original Broadway Cast) By Jonathan Larson, Jonathan Larson, Dominique Derasse, Kenny Brescia, Gilles Chiasson see related

okay.. well i was thinking on the way home today, and i find it rediculous that i've been holding back on what i put on here the last few days due to what people are gonna start bitching about. this is my journal.. anywho.. this past weekend was phenomenal. i spent it with that wonderful boy i call my boyfriend. the song that's playing reminds me of him.. and that goofy little dance he did when i first heard it played. still makes me smile when i listen to it going down the road..

saturday--

got up early..
felt accomplished.. i actually got stuff done on saturday!
pick up flower.
go to wal-mart.. twice.. i hate you drew.
wrap sex dice!
fraternity christmas party.
get my dance on..
irritation.
support..
talking to the mom! she's badass.
having a gay debate with the mom!!
drive to tupelo..
unexpected and unwanted conversation.
amazed yet again between sheets..
sleep.

sunday--

that choir and orchestra were simply amazing..
almost made me cry!
inspiring..
why don't i play the piano again?
i use to be passionate about it.
saher has no taste in music!
bonding with the roomate.
state played like shit!
ruby tuesdays.
wow.. free salad bar!
lesbians are the greatest..
w00ped ass at bowling!
kelly made a frickin' TURKEY !!
that night.. does he ever not amaze me?

monday--

attempted to impress.
gotta admit the food was delicious!
wtf, roomate eat half of my chicken?!?
yet again, abercrombie doesn't have my pants.
radar detector.. finally !! <-- see the excitement?
wow, get to see danny tonight.
who's that guy? you two are adorable..
club was bumping!
totally different amazing experience than last time.
omg, old guy penis .. <insert vomit here>
thanks babe, save me! save me!!
new lesbian friendship.
wait, did i really just dance that much?
drunk..
taken advantage of..
liked it.

i hope you're happy with yourself.. i hope you can stand to look at the person in the mirror in the morning. today, you stooped to an all time low. backstabbing, lieing, blackmail, whining, revengeful, trying to break up friends, and trying to break up what's not yours anymore.. you go from "fuck you" to "who was it with?" to "have fun with alex" to "don't leave me" to "i love you" to "you lying, cheating, 'sonofabitch'" to "what happened to what we had?" to "i'm going to ruin your life." you wonder why people leave you because they think you're childish and immature? you said you were showing me what i was missing by what you did today. on the contrary, you showed me exactly the sides of you that i hated. i hope you're proud of yourself.

you think a certain someone is the reason we broke up.. lemme clerify the real reasons:

--we never really had a friendship basis.. we were based on sex. sad, but true.
--you have an inability to trust.. it's smothering.
--you break trust and don't rebuild it.
--you're childish.. gotta love whining and pouting.
--you're the classic "baby of the family."
--you always want your way, no matter the cost.
--we fight almost as much as we aren't fighting.
--you're two faced. wonderful smiling to people then talking about them behind their backs.
--you find no remorse in using people to get what you want.
--you're superficial and conceited.
--you cheated on me not once.. but twice.
--you so easily judge me, but overlook you doing the exact same thing.
--you're ungrateful.
--it's hard to talk to you.
--you're a jealous person.
--you have a negative outlook on life. if you look for trouble, you'll find it.
--you don't know when to stop.
--you can't take no for an answer.
--our relationship was like a roller coaster ride.. up and down, repeat.
--it's like jumping through hoops of fire to try to say something you don't agree with.
--you have an inability to compromise.
--i hardly get to see you.
--you have some growing up to do.
--you think you know everything.
--you take the easy way out.
--you jump to conclusions.
--you doubt the world.
--i don't think you ever loved me.
--you talk about your friends behind their backs.
--you see through a blurred eye. only what you want to see.

i suppose i'll stop there. you see, this has been coming for a while. quit trying to fuck up other people's lives when you yourself have things to work on. you asked me earlier if i'd even consider going back to you.. after today, there's no way in hell. you've shown your true side today. you've shown what was at the heart of jordan. our relationship had been faultering for a while now.. our friendship you threw away. i hope you like the person you were today. i'm glad i got to see this side today instead of in the future. time is precious.. once this post is submitted, you're threw. gone forever to be left as a presence i wish i'd never felt. have a good life.. may you live long and prosper. goodbye.